Have you ever wondered what would happen if you stopped looking for love? The thought crossed my mind during a particularly difficult stage in my life.
I had been desperate to be with someone because I couldn’t tolerate being on my own.
As a codependent lover, I felt uneasy outside of a relationship.
But, the more I sought love under the influence of desperation, neediness and loneliness, the further it got away from me.
It was only when I stopped looking for love in this way that I was able to find it.
If you are like me and you resonate with what I’ve just said, then I want you to know that you’ll find love when you stop looking for it.
By all means, have the intention to attract love and remain open to it.
In fact, you could even spend time thinking about the kind of partner that you want but let go of this undying need to find love.
If finding love is the only way for you to be happy, then stop looking for it.
Create happiness without the love of another person and then look for a relationship.
At the very least, get to a point where you feel happy enough on your own before embarking on this journey to attract love.
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Reasons Why You’ll Find Love When You Stop Looking For It
1. Your energy will be more relaxed and inviting.
Whether you’re a man or woman, people are afraid of connecting with someone who is on edge.
Love seems to thrive in an environment that promotes good energy, humor, fun and joy.
Yet if you meet someone who is fixated on finding love, they are often tensed up, incredibly nervous, scrutinous and defensive.
They’re in a constant state of need because they feel a great deal of lack within themselves.
They can’t let loose and have fun because they are goal-driven in every interaction and that doesn’t leave any room for love or attraction to develop naturally or organically.
I want you to think about all the times that you have fallen in love with someone.
Were they tense, nervous, defensive and stressed while being around you or were they relaxed, inviting, confident and comfortable?
More often than not, their behavior falls into the latter category.
As it turns out, when you stop looking for love, that’s when you find it because you are free to explore healthier and happier energies on a day-to-day basis.
The liberation one feels when they stop looking for love so vehemently makes a world of a difference.
2. You won’t be overly scrutinizing potential lovers.
Whenever someone is focused on finding love, they latch onto every single detail of what they want from a relationship and the kind of person they need.
Rather than remaining detached and allowing people to reveal themselves, they try to elicit situations and reactions from people that are not authentic or real.
Love can’t be fostered in this way.
Instead of adopting a loving and open mindset, we adopt a fixed mindset by constantly analyzing and scrutinizing people.
People are going to feel uncomfortable and defensive around us. Instead of connecting on a deeper level, you’ll be met with surface-level conversations and experiences because they’re too afraid of being judged by you.
It just so happens that you’ll find love when you stop looking for it because people will feel more comfortable being themselves around you.
As they open up and you open up, true chemistry and connection can be felt, making it easy to find love.
3. It is easier to be confident and authentic when you are detached from love.
Stress and pressure may be good for physical and academic endeavors but never for romance.
In a heightened state of stress, our defenses are up and we are fixated on what needs to be done instead of having fun.
It’s very useful but not when you are trying to foster a romantic vibe that requires confidence, joy and peace.
Think about it for a moment.
When you are in a state of fight or flight, are you not hyperaware and vigilant of everything around you? Does your brain not kick into overdrive by analyzing everything around you? Is that really the ideal state for one to be in when looking for love?
I don’t think so.
When you stop looking for love, you’re no longer attached to any sort of outcome.
You’re not trying to make people like you, you’re not trying to appear a certain way nor are you focused on what you can get out of an interaction.
Instead, you’re able to freely be yourself.
Being yourself around people makes it easy to be perceived as confident and genuine.
The basis for love is honesty and you’re able to exercise honesty when you’re not trying to convince someone to like you or to get something from them.
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4. It’s easier to spot red flags.
Every single time that I have felt desperate for love, I got involved with the wrong people or landed myself in a pile of heartbreak.
Without fail, it has happened every single time.
When coaching people, I’ve noticed how people overlook red flags because they need love so badly.
Yet, when you stop looking for love, you regain the ability to tap into objectivity when examining the behavior and character of people in your life.
Rather than ignore red flags, you are capable of identifying them and making a decision that is best for your future well-being.
Being able to walk away from those who are bad for you plays an instrumental role in helping you find love.
After walking away from the wrong people for you, the only natural direction to move is towards people who are good for you.
Naturally, you’ll be drawn to those who wave large green flags.
At that point, you’re going to find love even when you stop looking for it.
You need to read this article: The 5 worst long distance relationship red flags
5. You’ll naturally spend more time enjoying life and cultivating growth.
What makes people attractive?
We know that physical appearances play a role, as does status to some degree. But, more than anything, it’s your character and personality that ties everything together.
For someone to love you, your life needs to have depth.
Do you love being bored?
Then how do you expect someone else to love you when you’re really boring?
I’m not saying that you have to be anything other than yourself.
But, spending some time to figure out who you are and maximizing those attributes of your personality will change your life and the way you appear to others.
So, when people stop looking for love and direct all their energy toward themselves and their lives, they end up designing a life and version of themselves that’s the best they’ve ever been.
You’re going to look good, feel good and do good after that.
That’s incredibly attractive to other people which is probably why you find love when you stop looking for it and invest yourself in self-development.
6. You won’t appear needy or desperate to others.
I’ve talked about how desperation for love influenced me and others to ignore red flags but it also has the nasty habit of making us appear unattractive.
One cannot be confident and self-assured yet desperate and needy at the same time.
I’m talking strictly in terms of interpersonal relationships and romance.
What we know is that confidence and self-assurance are attractive. So, it naturally follows that the opposite of these attributes will be unattractive.
That’s why people tend to find love when they stop looking for it.
All that desperate and needy energy exits their system.
When they interact with people, there’s no ulterior motive or agenda at play. They’re able to be themselves and they show a genuine interest in the other person.
This state of mind is so healthy and positive that it draws people in.
Before you know it, you’re magnetic to others and people begin to pursue you because your behavior begins to resemble that of someone who is highly valued.
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7. You’ll be more patient with and loving to yourself and other
When love is rushed, it spoils.
Just like a cake that is baking in the oven. If you keep opening the oven door to check on it or you pull it out before it’s ready, the cake will flop.
That’s what happens when you try to force or rush love.
You’re going to mess it up.
People who rush love tend to chase, pester and force others to feel things that they are not ready for.
You begin to fixate on labels of exclusivity instead of enjoying the company of the other person.
This makes them feel like you’re not truly interested in them but just in a relationship.
The exact opposite occurs when you stop looking for love.
Your natural state is to be patient and have a good time. You’re able to slow down and let things happen as they will. Even if you are romantically interested in someone, that interest doesn’t drive you to force things along.
Essentially, you appear detached from the outcome and are able to live in the moment.
It’s easy to avoid chasing or pestering someone when you are not in a hurry for love to happen.
And so, the other person has the space and time needed to feel desire and attraction for you.
That’s when you find love blossoming between two people.
8. You will replace the fantastical unrealistic version of love in your mind with real love
Often, when people are looking for love, they have an idea of what that looks for.
But, where does that idea stem from?
Movies? Books? Social media? Past relationships?
They’re searching for an idea of love that may not even be realistic.
How easy would it be to overlook someone who could be the next love of your life because you’re looking for a specific version of love based on everything other than your own real-life experiences?
By all means, we can take inspiration from these things but our basis of love must be rooted in reality.
Some of the best versions of love I’ve experienced looked nothing like what I thought they would be.
I’d have missed out on it or on those people if I were fixated on finding love instead of experiencing love.
People who stop looking for love but remain open to experiencing love tend to be the ones that find it.
You’d be amazed how real love can make even the most mundane or insignificant things feel amazing.
That’s the difference between an idealized version of love and a realistic experience of love.
You need to read this article: Can you love too much in a relationship?
When we talk about finding love when you stop looking, we aren’t necessarily saying that you should completely abandon the idea of it.
The key is to remain open to love without ferociously pursuing it.
Unlike a hungry caveman, you don’t need to hunt love like your life depends on it.
Instead, you should detach from the need for love and find happiness in being single to the best of your ability.
Remove your biases and fears from the idea of love and let go of old attachments.
In freeing yourself from all the pressure and stress attached to finding love, you’ll enter a frame that is highly attractive and open for love to enter.
With that being said, I hope you found this article to be inspiring and a source of comfort. If you would like to work with me towards becoming the best version of yourself or to resolve a relationship issue, please check out my service page for more information on my email coaching package.