As a man who is at the cusp of my 30’s, I’ve been through many different phases in my life and I’ve enjoyed passionate relationships while also navigating bouts of being single. I would be lying to you if I said that I haven’t had moments in the last decade when I asked myself, will I ever find love?
As you probably know, finding people to date is easy. I’ve never had an issue with that and I would say that I reached a point in my mid 20’s when it was the one thing I was spectacular at. But, finding love is a completely different ball game.
Think about it, how many people end up in relationships because of momentum?
They’ve been on a few dates so they may as well enter a relationship. They’ve been in a relationship for a year or two so they may as well get engaged. They’re engaged so they may as well get married.
Yet, divorce rates are at an all-time high.
Surely, if all couples who got married were in love, divorce rates wouldn’t be growing!
- Of the remaining half of married couples, how many of them are in loving relationships?
- How many of them are just together because of time and momentum rather than passionate and undying love?
Understandably, you’re probably feeling afraid and anxious after reading this.
But, here’s the thing, if you speak to most of these people, a lot of them will claim that they married each other because they were desperate, afraid or settling.
So, the next time the question of will I ever find love runs through your mind, ask yourself whether you’d like to wait and find out or would you like to settle and take a 50% chance of getting divorced or ending up in an unhappy marriage because you got with someone to avoid feeling lonely and afraid.
It’s better to be single than with the wrong person, trust me.
But, if you’d like to take a shot at finding love, the kind of love that lights your soul on fire, then there are things you could do to maximize your chances of making that happen for you in the near future.
In this article, I’m going to share everything you can do and work on to guarantee that when you cross paths with love, you not only find it but attract it because you’re ready, open and willing to accept it into your life.
Just for the sake of being clear, yes, you will find love!
But, I think it’s important that we focus on what we can do instead of just waiting around with anxiety and fear.
Related post: How to get the guy you want
1. Find love within yourself
Every single time I ended up in a toxic situationship or failed relationship, it was because I desperately sought love.
I felt like I needed to have someone in my life who could care for me so that I could feel good.
That’s unhealthy and a sign of someone who is either codependent or lacking self-love.
Nobody should fill a void inside you.
It takes two people who are complete to unite and have a relationship that is wholesome, fulfilling and healthy.
When you try to seek out external love because you can’t handle being by yourself,
Then that’s a cry for help and you need to develop a better relationship with the one person who will never leave, yourself.
Finding love within yourself requires introspection.
You need to spend as much time as you can to understand who you are, what you like, what you dislike, what you want and what you don’t want in life.
Then you need to process emotions that have weighed you down since childhood.
This may require you to enter therapy where you can be guided through past trauma and unresolved emotions.
Lastly, you need to work on developing a positive self-image to really love yourself.
This doesn’t mean that you need six-pack abs to consider yourself fit or perfect skin to look beautiful or handsome.
You just need to like the person who looks back at you in the mirror.
Here’s a list of things you can do to improve your self-image –
- Get in the habit of repeating “I Am” affirmations.
- Eat healthily and exercise regularly.
- Get a haircut that you like.
- Dress to your body shape.
- Surround yourself with people who build you up.
- Keep the promises you make to yourself as a means of building confidence.
By making these changes or additions to your daily routine, the relationship you develop with yourself is going to be one of growth, acceptance and compassion.
Here’s the best part, when you start to enjoy your own company, you’ll attract people into your life who also enjoy your company.
That’s why self-love is so important when it comes to finding love.
Related post: How to be single and happy
2. Put yourself out there
As much as I believe that when something is meant for you, it will not miss you, I think it’s imperative that you make a conscious effort to put yourself out there.
Socialize and go out.
I’m not even talking about doing ridiculous things like partying or whatever.
Simply partake in some activities that you are passionate about. Something as simple as walking at the beach or in a park counts.
You’re doing something you enjoy around people who have a similar interest.
This already places you in a better position of finding love with someone who has similar likes as you do.
Additionally, you’re living life and doing things you enjoy which will put you in a good mood that makes you more attractive to others.
Lastly, you’re stripping away the chance of feeling regret for not trying.
3. Refine your identity
It’s easier to find who or what you want when you know exactly who you are.
As you develop a greater understanding of your needs, wants, fears, strengths and weaknesses, it becomes easier to own the space you’re in and create the life you want.
Instead of trying to fit into the wrong crowd for you, gravitating towards people who are like-minded will happen organically and naturally.
Most of us undermine the value of self-development but it can be the defining factor in whether we attract love and someone who would be a great partner versus a subpar partner and relationship.
Spend time with yourself.
When you feel good about being by yourself, that’s when you know that you are finally in good company.
This high energy will emanate from you and I’m certain you’ll draw in and be drawn to people with similar energy.
4. Stop collecting red flags
I heard this on a Steve Harvey show and I found it to be so catchy. Look, you’re not going to find true love if you collect red flags from guys.
This idea of fixing someone or dating for potential will ruin your life.
You can’t force someone to change nor can you change them by being amazing.
That’s not going to work.
Ask anyone who has been burnt by this mindset and they’ll vouch for what I’m saying.
You need to be well aware of what are the red flags to look out for and prepare yourself to walk away from men who may be charming and handsome but not suitable for a relationship with you.
Here’s a list of red flags:
- A history of infidelity.
- Commitment issues.
- Anger issues.
- Low integrity behavior.
- Constant need for attention and validation from people.
And I would be insincere if I didn’t explain that this quote also applies to you.
It’s pointless focusing on the red flags in a man or woman when you’re a giant red flag yourself.
You have to face reality and be honest with yourself because, in life, you tend to attract what you are.
An honest assessment of your behavior within a relationship can shed a great deal of light on whether there are certain habits or ideas that are ruining your chances of finding love with the type of man or woman you desire.
Related post: 12 ways to be a better partner
5. Let go of the baggage from your past
Have you noticed how easy it is to project our insecurities, trust issues, abandonment issues and anger from the baggage we carry onto new people than to the people who caused those issues?
We give more power to those that have hurt us than they deserve because we fail to let go of the pain we suffered from those relationships.
Whether you’ve been dumped, betrayed, lied to, abandoned or abused, it takes a huge toll on you.
There are ongoing consequences for the actions of others that you’re paying the price for. It’s unfair but you have the power to change that.
This is one of the reasons why I encourage my readers to seek out counseling.
You’ll be amazed by how things from your past affect your relationships time and time again, sometimes without you even noticing it.
When I was younger, I failed to grasp suitable coping strategies for pain. I would internalize it and run from it as much as I could.
Part of why I developed stressed-induced illnesses is because I didn’t know how to deal with the emotional turmoil I’d been subjected to.
It was only until I started studying self-help and psychology material that was I able to understand and start healing from my past.
Here are a few books I recommend to you for dealing with baggage and past trauma:
- Letting go by David R. Hawkins
- Man’s search for meaning by Viktor Frankl
- Codependency no more by Melody Beattie
- The body keeps the score by Bessel van der kolk
It will take time to work through these issues but with these books and the help of a professional, you could let go of the beliefs and trauma that sabotage your chances of finding love again.
Related post: How to cope with a broken heart
6. Create space for someone to enter your life
This one may or may not come as a surprise to you but I feel it’s important for me to remind you that you may not find love while you’re entertaining those who are toxic for you.
I’m talking about a toxic ex, a toxic friend or a toxic family member. Basically, people who are sucking the joy out of your life and affecting your overall confidence and self-esteem.
You have to put distance between yourself and these people to become the best version of yourself.
Of the list above, I think it’s imperative that we touch on why it’s not a good idea to keep a toxic ex or lover in your life.
How can you free yourself to love someone new when you’re filling that space in your life with someone who no longer belongs in it?
What happens when you find someone new? Are you going to compare them with your ex? That’s an unfair comparison because you haven’t given this new person a fair opportunity to develop a bond with you.
What we know is that comparison is the thief of joy.
Additionally, an ex who is lingering in the background may turn off someone who comes into your life and doesn’t feel comfortable with you talking or hanging out with an ex.
You have to make some sacrifices for love and this is something you need to consider.
Remember how I said that you need to stop collecting red flags, well, keeping toxic people or ex’s in your life can be a red flag to others.
Related post: If you love someone, should you let them go?
I know that you’re feeling lonely, scared and uncertain of whether you will ever find love but I can promise you that by following the steps in this article, you’ll drastically improve the likelihood that you will.
There’s no age limit for love, either.
It can happen to and for anyone at any point in your life as long as you hold onto hope, open up to receive love, cultivate a healthy relationship with yourself and put yourself out there to meet similar and like-minded people.
Having a good attitude can be very attractive to others and making an effort to show interest in others is a great way of winning friends and potential lovers.
With that being said, I hope you found this article on, “Will I ever find love?” to be a source of comfort and encouragement. If you have any thoughts or questions on this subject that you would like to share with me, please do so by visiting the comment section below.