Before you consider hitting send on another message to your ex, consider the possibility that they have moved on. It might be hard to picture, and it certainly isn’t an enjoyable pill to swallow when you have unresolved feelings for an ex. But, if they have moved on, would a text message from you amount to anything positive?
I don’t think it would. If anything, many psychologists argue that there are potential risks to texting an ex after a breakup.
It could have the following adverse effects on your healing journey:
- Undoing detachment and creating an expectation for reciprocity of feelings
- Prolonging feelings of loss and desperation
- Creating false hope of reconciliation
- Triggering high and low emotions that mimic an emotional roller coaster
- Creating feelings of shame, embarrassment, or depression
Unless communication with an ex results in closure or forgiveness for past wrongdoings, a strong case exists for arguing that it is a net negative for the individual who is struggling to accept the breakup or move on.
In the following study, researchers examining the association between naturalistically-observed in-person contact with one’s ex-partner and separation-related psychological distress shared some interesting statistics (O’Hara, Grinberg, Tackman, Mehl & Sbarra).
“Early studies on this topic indicated that contact with an ex-partner is associated with worse outcomes post-divorce (Brown, Felton, Whiteman, & Manela, 1980). Likewise, a large prospective study of young adults in romantic relationships found that higher frequency of contact following a breakup was associated with declines in life satisfaction (Rhoades, Kamp Dush, Atkins, Stanley, & Markman, 2011). To make the story more complicated, a study of young adults who recently experienced a romantic breakup reported higher levels of both love and sadness on days that they were in contact with their ex-partner (Sbarra & Emery, 2005b).”
I’d also like to confirm that all of these observations and findings apply to both men and women.
The Many Explanations For Why Your Ex Won’t Block You
Regarding your ex, receiving messages or missed calls from you might be a source of validation.
Rather than evoking a desire to reconcile, they could find comfort in knowing that you are a backup option if they are unable to find someone else or if they find themselves uncomfortable with prolonged periods of loneliness.
It’s also true that they may not view you in such a light. They might care about you in a platonic sense and feel an obligation to allow you access to them. We can make this assertion because not every breakup amounts to feelings of resentment or bitterness.
Then, we have to explore the possibility of indifference. If a great deal of time has passed and your ex has moved on from his or her attachment to the relationship, they might not hold any feelings for you.
Those who are indifferent often rely on inaction towards those who try to elicit a reaction out of them.
Another explanation for why they’re ignoring you is one of compassion or empathy. Your ex may not want to give you false hope by communicating with you. At the same time, they might perceive the act of blocking you as too harsh.
Ultimately, it boils down to the reason for breaking up and whether your ex has moved on.
Analysing How Your Ex Feels About You Initiating Contact
In this situation, I would analyze the breakup to determine if anyone violated a boundary that triggered the split.
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If they have, then being ignored but not blocked by your ex might be due to unresolved feelings of anger.
Your ex might not be ready to cut ties with you and is still trying to process their emotions of anger, pain, resentment, and distrust.
When they overcome these emotions, they will either be open to communicating or ready to move on.
Until then, it’s fair to assume that they aren’t blocking you because they don’t want to but aren’t prepared to communicate yet.
This is also a time-dependent and situation-based reason.
If it has been many months or years and you’ve done everything possible to communicate your remorse, then it’s less likely to be due to anger. We could assume that they find validation and power in watching you chase after them.
I don’t think we should blame them for these feelings. If anything, if you spent an unreasonable amount of time chasing after your ex despite little signs of hope for reconciliation, we could argue that you’ve created the conditions necessary for them to find validation from your chasers that are met with silence.
When Should You Contact An Ex You Want To Reattract?
On the topic of reattraction, I have proposed no contact as the ideal method for getting an ex back and with good reason.
A lack of communication can create time and space for an ex to redevelop feelings of attraction and longing.
But, many people rely on no contact as a crutch.
Ideally, no contact shouldn’t be used as a tool to get an ex back but as a method of moving on or accepting reality.
Far too many of us say things we go on to regret during times of anguish and desperation. Let’s be quite honest with each other, losing a loved one to a breakup creates desperation and shock.
We want to mitigate the risk of saying regrettable things after a breakup by not remaining in contact.
A situation that might call for contacting an ex is when you have acted in a manner that caused the breakup.
To be more specific, when you have objectively acted in a way that exceeds the limits of respectable behavior or violates a relationship boundary.
This is when you may find positive results from contacting your ex if your communication is focused on being remorseful, apologetic, and compassionate.
Another situation that might warrant contact with an ex is when you are offering support during a difficult period in their life.
Perhaps they have lost a loved one, experienced a traumatic event, or appeared disheveled by an unknown situation.
Expressing concern and being considerate to your ex might reinvigorate feelings of connection under these circumstances.
I’d like to conclude this article by advising you to focus on yourself. While the desire to reconcile with your ex can be challenging to live with, demeaning yourself by chasing them without any reciprocity will be extremely harmful to your self-worth and your objective.
Fall back onto the following quote whenever you are in doubt:
“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it was never meant to be.”