Should you put your friends before your relationship? I don’t think so, but I have my reasons. Friends are an integral part of life. They may have even been in your life before you entered into a relationship. But, when speaking in marriage terms, we have a greater obligation to our life partner.
The responsibility that comes from sharing a life with someone can be exorbitant but rewarding.
Even though it doesn’t seem fair to put a relationship before your friends, there’s a time and place for everyone.
The problem we run into is one of imbalance.
With balance, it’s easy to serve your relationship and your friends without compromising one or the other.
Related article: Do this when your girlfriend chooses her friends over you
How Do You Find Balance Between Your Friendship And Relationship?
By understanding that every relationship and friendship has needs.
If you can extract, through healthy discourse, the needs of your friends and your partner, it becomes easier to prioritize both of them in the ways that they need.
You can balance your time, effort, and attention in a way that fulfills everyone.
There’ll always be a disproportionate amount of time and effort spent on a relationship than there is on a friendship.
That’s just the nature of life.
But it’s not about quantity. Rarely is it about the amount of time spent with someone.
It’s about the quality of time.
Are you focused, engaged, caring, and enthusiastic around your friends and your partner?
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If you are, I highly doubt that your friends are going to be upset that you spend so much time with your partner, and your partner isn’t going to be upset that you want to spend some time with your friends.
Communication is frequently the remedy for issues of this nature.
Then, the question remains: What do you want?
You have sovereignty over your time and attention.
Just because people want all of it doesn’t mean they have to get it.
You have to also prioritize your needs and wants in life.
There’s a difference between being selfish and self-serving.
Don’t shame or guilt yourself out of serving your needs, especially when you don’t have any ulterior motive at play.
Here’s something I learned: if you don’t want to kill the romantic desire in your relationship, don’t dump your problems on each other.
By all means, seek out support and comfort from each other during hard times.
But don’t let it take center stage in your relationship.
Sometimes in life, there are seasons of hardship.
It may last for months.
If your relationship is the only place you visit to address those problems and emotions, you’ll struggle to nurture desire and attraction.
I’ve made this mistake before, and even though your partner may do everything in their power to be a loving and supportive person, it will have a side effect on the relationship that you don’t want.
This is why it’s important to maintain your relationships with friends and family.
Even a small but meaningful circle can help balance you.
Similarly, you can be a source of help for them as well.
Ed Mylett said something that I love: “If you want to feel better about yourself, be useful to others.”
I’m paraphrasing a bit, but the essence of the message remains.
You need to be connected to the world in some way.
For your emotional and mental well-being, you need to be a source of help and use to others in your life.
It will grant you wisdom, self-confidence, and empowerment.
All of which will bleed into your romantic life and professional life.
What I’m trying to illustrate is balance.
Your partner doesn’t have to fill the role of your friend. Similarly, your friend doesn’t have to fill the role of your partner.
They can co-exist and be exclusive to each other at the same time.
Related article: Should your girlfriend be your best friend?
“The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.” — Elisabeth Foley
Introduce Your Friends And Your Partner To Each Other
I recently read an article on Vice about this subject. They interviewed licensed therapist Rachel Sussman and this is what she had to say about the situation: “It’s human nature—to survive, to protect ourselves and to protect our families. We tend to think that someone might endanger our relationship and that elicits some anxiety, some fear of losing this person. We describe that feeling by calling it ‘jealousy,’ but it’s actually a fear that something might happen to your relationship and you might lose the person that you love.”
You can’t have a lifelong commitment to someone and exclude them from your friendship circle.
It just doesn’t work.
If you were to hang out with someone your spouse hasn’t even met once, it’s going to bother them.
A simple way to bridge that gap is to introduce your friends to your spouse or partner, and vice versa.
Granted, healthy boundaries should always be maintained between them.
But I’m making this suggestion under the assumption that your spouse and your friends are mature and trustworthy people.
If they are, then you never have to worry about them crossing lines or colluding with each other in a way that negatively affects you.
More often than not, if you hang out with good people and your partner is a respectful person, they’ll feel less threatened by each other, and they’ll compete less with each other.
Instead, they’ll be happy for you and more willing to create a harmonious balance of time spent with you.
If your partner seems to dislike your friends, examine that.
I’m not telling you to dismiss their concerns, nor am I suggesting you cut ties with your friends.
Instead, examine why he or she dislikes them, and if there’s merit, you should address it.
It’s possible that he or she sees something that you don’t.
If they are going to endanger the relationship or direct you down a bad path, look into it with clear eyes.
You might find that your friends aren’t healthy for you.
Alternatively, you may find that your partner is struggling with trust issues or uncertainty in the relationship.
Either way, you’ll have some direction for finding a solution.
Final Thoughts
I know that I began this article by saying that I wouldn’t put my friends before my relationship, but I hope that I was able to illustrate where I was coming from.
Simply put, it isn’t a competition.
Different people in different roles may require prioritization over others at certain times.
It’s not a fixed situation.
By default, your spouse is your priority, but your friends are also a priority.
When you surround yourself with mature, respectful, and kind people, everyone balances each other out.
Look for that.
Build a circle that prioritizes the greater picture, and you’ll live a much happier life.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this subject. Let me know in the comment section what you would do in this situation.
I faced the same situation. My girlfriend wouldn’t tell me about her friends.( She wouldn’t even tell me thier name). Especially the male ones. Yet she hung out with them alone,let’s them visit her home alone, takes gifts from them( even the ones she knows where sexually interested)
So I communicated to that this was a red flag. A year later she wouldn’t change, so I left.