Why does my husband look at other females online? That’s the kind of question no wife wants to be asking, but in the technological age that we live in, it’s a problem that is ever-increasing.
It makes you feel undesirable, insecure, concerned, jealous and frustrated.
These feelings are normal.
The two of you took an oath to honor and love each other. It’s not very honorable or loving to be looking at other women online.
Could it be something to worry about? Could it be a symptom of a bigger problem? Could it just be an insignificant act?
I’m going to answer all of these questions below.
With that being said, let’s discuss all the reasons why your husband looks at other females online and then we’ll discuss things you can do to address the situation before it gets out of hand.
Reasons Why Your Husband Is Looking At Women Online
1. Men are visual creatures and enjoy female beauty.
When talking about love and marriage, we romanticize the idea of only having eyes for our spouses.
I remember feeling this way as a young man.
I thought that if I was in love, I wouldn’t notice other women, let alone find them attractive. Imagine my surprise when that was proven wrong for me.
At first, it plunged me into a sea of doubt and anxiety.
I questioned my feelings and I started to re-examine myself as a man.
There were some problems within me that had nothing to do with my feelings for my partner. But, it taught me an important lesson.
Never underestimate the nature of men and women.
There are certain mechanisms within us that are almost universal.
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Men are visual creatures and on an instinctual level, we notice women who are perceived as beautiful in our own eyes.
Now, that doesn’t mean we don’t love our wives or that we are interested in other women.
At the same time, it doesn’t give us a free pass to ogle at women and fixate on someone who is attractive to us.
This is important.
If a man just looks at other females online, perhaps on Instagram or on these platforms that push female beauty, it’s not too much of a red flag.
However, left unaddressed, it could manifest into something more sinister.
What’s important is to determine if he’s looking at random females online or if he’s repeatedly looking at a specific woman.
That is a lot more different than recognizing female beauty and you should address that with him or keep a closer eye on what is happening.
In some cases, a man may look at other females online and be reminded of how lucky he is to have his wife.
2. It’s a symptom of porn addiction.
No society has ever faced the detrimental effects of pornography like ours.
It’s evil.
The people who are pushing pornography are evil and they don’t give a damn about preserving monogamy or the sanctity of intimacy.
All they care about is money and so they will depict sex in a manner that corrupts.
None of us are foolish enough to assume that men are not significantly driven by desires.
But, those desires are meant to manifest in the healthy pursuit and initiation of intimacy with our partners and not for pixels on a screen.
At their very best, desire and sex are unbelievably beautiful in a marriage.
However, when we live in a society that promotes pornography and every social media site perpetuates uncontrolled expressions of sexuality, we create a mindset that is not conducive to monogamy and healthy marriages.
Porn addiction is nothing to laugh at.
It is destructive to the addict and his loved ones.
At one point in my life, I would say that I watched a lot of pornography.
All I wanted to do was flirt with people online, sext them and see pictures of them, even if that meant exposing myself at times.
It gets to a point where there’s absolutely no emotion involved in it. You couldn’t be bothered about them at all. You may not even find them attractive at all. It’s just about the thrill you get from engaging in this activity with other adults online.
I can admit this because I overcame these issues completely but it required a lot of self-awareness and growth as a person.
I had to completely erase porn from my life in every capacity and I rewired my brain back to how it was.
That would not have been possible if I hadn’t quit porn altogether, and I have no regrets about it.
As someone who understands and has been through this, I can tell you that most porn addicts spend a significant amount of time looking at other females online.
If you find that your husband is very protective of his phone, looks at specific females online and all their pictures appear sexual in nature, they’re telltale signs that he may be a porn addict.
These days, pornstars are on all these social media sites and they’re constantly looking to acquire more followers or subscribers to their private platforms.
Be extremely wary of this if you suspect that your husband is looking at other females online who are in the adult industry.
You need to read this article: Understanding and dealing with husbands porn addiction
3. He’s micro-cheating or intending to cheat.
Recently, I wrote an article that details the different forms of cheating and one of the things that stood out to me was micro-cheating.
The kind of behavior that doesn’t constitute infidelity but it usually is behavior that precedes acts of infidelity.
Think about it.
Most people don’t just cheat.
There are many micro-behaviors that occur between being a loyal husband and being a cheating husband.
Unless, of course, cheating was a spontaneous one-off act that occurred under the influence of something.
That’s probably the only exception to the rule.
Otherwise, cheating is usually the culmination of many micro-cheating behaviors that add up over time and escalate.
These days, it can easily be argued that one of the most common micro-cheating acts is looking at other females online.
Perhaps, he intends on sliding into their DMs as he looks at their profiles online.
Keep an eye out on whether there are any ongoing interactions with the females he looks at online.
- Is he liking and commenting on a lot of her pictures?
- What is he saying in those comments?
- Is he direct messaging any of these women?
- Are they liking and commenting on his pictures?
Pay attention to these things and address them as soon as you find evidence of behavior that violates your boundaries, even if it’s not considered infidelity or cheating as yet.
You need to read this article: What is considered cheating in a relationship?
4. He’s bored and the algorithm knows how to keep him busy.
Could it just be that your husband is bored? So, to pass the time, he’s sitting on his phone and mindlessly browsing TikTok or Instagram?
Go through the accounts of most men and you’ll find that they follow or view the same type of content.
- Things they are interested in or entertained by.
- Men who are their peers or who inspire them.
- Women.
That’s it.
Guess what?
There are more women on these social media platforms than there are men.
In fact, more women aspire to be social media influencers or models than men.
So, there’s an abundance of content all to do with how women look and behave based on this.
And you know what?
Social media algorithms are incredibly smart and intuitive.
It is constantly measuring metrics, optimizing its feed, and sending the type of content it knows performs well to different users.
Every single one of these platforms has one objective: to keep users on the platform for as long as possible.
Everything else is secondary to that main objective.
They know that men are visual creatures and the algorithm is designed in such a way that it can determine what type of content from which type of woman to show to each and every man.
These platforms are obsessed with retention and user acquisition.
So, they’ll show women other women to inspire competition or they’ll serve you non-stop incentives to shop while they serve men what they want to see to stay on the platform.
If you don’t believe me, do a quick search of what demographics spend the most money online and via what platforms.
At the same time, conduct a quick search to see what the most popular search queries among men are.
Then, tell me that these big corporations are not savvy about this data and that they are not using it to their advantage.
God Almighty! I hope I’m not becoming a conspiracy theorist or something of that nature.
On a side tangent, this is one of the reasons why I will not participate on these platforms when I am married.
They’re stacking the deck against monogamy and marriages. It’s just not worth the risk. Couples would be far more content if they reduced or eliminated their use of social media sites.
You need to read this article: Why Instagram is toxic for relationships
What To Do If Your Man Is Looking At Other Women Online
1. Express your discomfort to him.
Feelings left unexpressed fester into wounds and resentment that do not disappear. That’s the thing about feelings – they don’t disappear.
We have to address them, experience them and allow them to pass through us.
I’m of the opinion that when someone has nagging feelings about something in a relationship, they should not ignore them, especially if they aren’t someone who is usually suspicious or insecure.
Those feelings are grounded in some truth and you need to express them to him.
The key isn’t to be accusatory.
Most men go on the defensive or offensive when challenged in that way. Instead, you want to sit him down and explain what you’ve noticed and how it makes you feel.
You’re not going to relax or feel safe with him without expressing yourself.
I’m also of the opinion that healthy dialogue is paramount to a relationship. You should be able to express your feelings without being gaslighted or punished for doing so.
Tell him exactly how it makes you feel and how you end up looking at him for making you feel that way.
2. Make your boundaries clear to him.
If the reason for him looking at other females online isn’t a sign of infidelity or porn addiction and those pictures aren’t inappropriate, perhaps you can let it slide.
But, if you are of the opinion that this behavior is affecting the relationship and affecting how you feel about yourself, then you need to draw a boundary.
Let him know that this feels wrong to you, that it makes you feel undesirable to him and that you are uncomfortable with him directing attention towards random women online.
Then, tell him that you’d appreciate it if he could be more respectful to you by not constantly looking at other females online unnecessarily.
You can’t police his every action nor can you expect him to have zero exposure to other women online.
It’s the internet and you have to exercise some trust.
But, at the same time, you don’t have to tolerate him looking at porn or checking out inappropriate pictures of women on social media.
Don’t allow him to sweep this issue under the rug or gaslight you into feeling like you’re just insecure or deluded.
Be very clear about the boundary so that he doesn’t have any room to plead ignorance or confusion if he violates that boundary repeatedly in the future.
3. Ask questions to understand his perspective.
You’d be surprised at how much you can learn about someone and what people will unwillingly reveal by letting them talk and asking them questions.
I’m not advising you to be a detective but there are times when you need to be observant and perspicacious to determine if your spouse is being honest or not.
During an interrogation, detectives ask the suspect questions.
Why?
Because it’s an effective way of acquiring the truth without revealing your cards or allowing yourself to be manipulated.
In asking him questions, you’ll get an idea or a feeling about his intentions or possible problems.
If he’s lying and trying to cheat on you, there will be holes in his story.
If he isn’t, you’ll find no holes in his explanations or answers.
4. Seek therapy.
In the best-case scenario, your husband was mindlessly looking at other females online and there was nothing sinister going on.
Your marriage is fine, his intentions are good and there’s no underlying addiction affecting him.
That’s what I hope is the case for you.
If that isn’t the case, then you need to consider therapy.
Let’s give him a chance to alter his behavior first.
Perhaps things improve and you don’t notice any signs of deceit or betrayal. You can let it go and resume your normal life.
However, if that doesn’t turn out to be your experience then I suggest that you both seek out therapy.
I’ll tell you why.
You’re more likely to prevent a catastrophic event from occurring by seeking help soon than you are to repair damage caused by a significant painful event.
You have to be extremely selective about which therapist you work with because not all of them are great at their job.
So, don’t be afraid to jump ship and find a better therapist if your first or second option is not to your liking.
A porn addiction is not going to resolve itself without some guidance.
Similarly, an intention to cheat or the act of infidelity is not going to be easily resolved, especially if your husband has a deeper issue with commitment.
By all means, try to work on it together.
But if you’re not making progress then I highly suggest that you invest some time in therapy.
Final Thoughts
As much as I believe that relationships should be easy, there are times when hard work is required to protect your relationship.
Good communication, boundaries, respect and trust are essential for a healthy relationship.
If something is bothering you or threatening the quality of your relationship, you have every right to air that concern with your partner.
Don’t just accept behavior that makes you feel undesirable or small.
A man who is truly committed to honoring you will have the decency to at least hear how you feel.
With that being said, I hope you found this article on why does my husband look at other females online to be helpful and a source of guidance. If you would like my help with a relationship issue, check out my services page for more information on my email coaching package.