Why do no guys like me?
This question was asked to me by a woman who sought help via my email coaching service.
My initial reaction was to examine her physically and how she conducts herself.
Based on her pictures and the way we interacted, nothing was wrong. At least, not to my eye.
And I have a good eye for this kind of thing.
She was well dressed, healthy and fit, educated and easy going.
I ran into a wall.
That’s where most of us stop.
When faced with an issue like this, we focus superficially or we resign within our insecurities instead of zooming out and examining all possible reasons for why we are unsuccessful at something.
Do you think the reason why no guys like you is because there’s something wrong with you or because you’re surrounding yourself with the wrong guys?
This is an important distinction to make because it can significantly change the advice you would need to figure out why no guys like you.
We went back and forth for a while.
After some time, we figured out a few reasons why she was so unsuccessful at attracting a guy who likes her for who she is.
- She was operating from a space of internal desperation to be liked that her behavior online and in person was not congruent with who she really is.
- She was not putting herself out there by trying new things or meeting new people.
- Her dating profile did not accurately portray the kind of person she is and what she can offer to a relationship.
We worked on her dating profile and she made an effort to challenge her own beliefs about herself.
Then, we changed the question.
It was only when she changed the question from ‘why do no guys like me?’ to ‘what kind of guy do I like?‘ that things started to fall into place.
By figuring out what she was looking for, we were able to help alter some of her behavior to attract such guys.
Not only was she able to attract guys she wants but they were into her as well.
More importantly, she changed an internal belief that she’s not good enough and it provided her with the internal safety and security to boldly be herself and enjoy the process of finding a partner.
Her energy changed.
And guys sensed this change.
It was subtle at first but with each passing week, it began to be more noticeable and attractive.
We would have much more success at attracting good people and enjoying our love life if we healed our old pain and rebuilt ourselves with beliefs that serve us over beliefs that belittle us.
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Guys Don’t Just Care About How A Woman Looks
A lot of women are overwhelmed and jaded by the idea that men are majorly influenced by physical beauty.
But, there is no gold standard for physical beauty and it’s incredibly subjective.
Physical beauty only creates interest, your personality and energy does the rest.
You don’t have to be without flaws to be perfect for someone.
I want you to remember that.
As the lyrics from a song by The Maine goes, “There’s beauty and grace in the flaws of your face.”
Be that as it may, you have the ability to maximize your appearance irrespective of your size, features or flaws.
Effort is appreciated and a sign of self worth that men subconsciously recognize and gravitate towards.
So, the first thing that I would advise you to do is improve your appearance but more importantly, challenge your beliefs that make you feel insecure and unlovable.
These beliefs often influence the way we behave towards ourselves and others in a way that reinforces them.
For example, we believe that we are unattractive, this makes us think, feel and behave unattractively which then influences the perception other people have of us. When they end up disliking or overlooking us, it validates our unhealthy belief which reinforces all those thoughts, feelings and behaviors.
I’ve found success in addressing the root cause of these beliefs.
Often, there’s an event in our past that caused some kind of trauma which was tattooed in our brain as a memory.
I learnt about this from Dr. Joe Dispenza.
In his work, he explains that a memory is nothing more than a past event that triggered an intense emotion.
Once it was written into our subconscious mind as a memory, it stimulates the same feeling every time we call on that memory and our body cannot differentiate between the past or present.
In other words, our present moment feels like the past.
So, that insecurity and rejection we felt in the past is what we feel now, even if we don’t have any reason to.
The way we thought about ourselves in that past memory, felt about ourselves and behaved all replay in the present moment.
The remedy for this, as Dr. Joe Dispenza presents, is to decide what you are going to do to change.
Most of us think it is the decision to heal.
In reality, it is the decision we make to change in order to heal.
To change, we must make a firm decision with a higher intensity of emotion compared to the traumatic past event.
So, on a scale of 1 – 10, if the event of the past is measured at a level 6 or 7, we must aim to inspire an emotional level of 8 – 10 during the moment in which we decide to change to heal.
By doing this, the moment we decide to change becomes a memory that we can draw on to experience the same feelings, thoughts and behavior we did when we made a decision to change for the better.
This will allow us to break out of toxic, unattractive and deficient thoughts, feelings and behaviors.
Sit with this and picture a future and a version of yourself liberated from all this baggage until you feel like you would in the future.
Let that emotion be strong and then decide to make a change.
To figure out what kind of change you need to make to heal and be your best self, do the following.
Answer the following questions on paper –
- Who do I want to be?
- How do I live my life?
- What do I want to give to others?
- What do I want for myself?
When I went through a devastating breakup, this was one of the first activities I completed on my journey of healing.
Fast forward to a year later, I looked back at my journal and I was flabbergasted to find that the answers to those questions led me to heal in such a way that my life and who I am reflects in the answer of those questions.
I’m a much different person now than I was before I asked those questions to myself and thankfully so.
The wounds of my past have healed over and the way that I feel about myself continues to change for the better on a daily basis.
People around me have witnessed this change and it has reflected a positive change in all my relationships and in my life as a whole.
I feel no fear about my love life because I have worked towards building abundance within myself.
The point of sharing this with you is that there are prerequisites for finding good love and one of the main prerequisites is to come from a place of abundance.
What I want for myself has changed drastically since answering those questions and embarking on my journey.
The kind of person I would be romantically involved with now is a lot different from who I would have been with back then.
Before you fixate on finding someone to like you right now, figure out who you really are and what you really want. By the time you do so, it will paint a clear and accurate picture of who you want.
It may not be the kind of guy you have been pursuing up until now.
Or, it may still be the same kind of guys except that you have now entered a state of being that is attractive to such guys.
Now that we have finished discussing the intrinsic transformation or healing required to find guys who like you, I think it’s time we touch on some behaviors that may be sabotaging your love life with guys.
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5 Real Reasons Why Guys Do Not Like You
1. You’re being too selfish and self-absorbed
When have you ever asked someone to describe the kind of partner they want and they listed a selfish and self absorbed person?
It’s never happened with me and the people I’ve talked to.
Love is echoed in almost every area of a romantic relationship. And love is an act of service, not just an emotion we feel.
To love is to care, to appreciate, to support, to pursue, to value and to share.
When all you’re focused on is yourself, what you want, what you like, what you need, it leaves little room for anyone else to share themselves with you.
Often, we must give the very thing that we want from others.
If you want a loyal partner, is it not true that you must offer loyalty in exchange? If you want an attentive partner, is it not true that you must offer attention in exchange?
By all means, be self serving but also remember that to serve others is a great service to yourself because we feel amazing when we share and give to people.
What we must remember is that by giving, we often open our own eyes to identify those who give to us.
This will help us to select and appreciate those who appreciate us.
You need to read this article: How to handle rejection from a guy
2. You’re coming on too strong and desperate
Desperation is unattractive.
You know this.
Intrinsically, most of us do.
When we are desperate, we often second guess ourselves and feel a little dirty on the inside. That’s one of the reasons why we will even bring up the idea of not being desperate to others. We’re looking for validation that the feeling we are experiencing isn’t true.
In reality, it is.
Most people who behaved desperately will look back and say to themselves, I wish I didn’t behave that way.
But, you were desperate which is why you did.
The more fulfilled you are as a person and in your life, the harder it is to chase and desperately seek out others.
What we do in a confident and abundant state is to simply give without even expecting anything specific in return.
It shows an abundance within you.
People are drawn to those who are fulfilled because it makes them feel good about themselves.
From a basic psychological perspective, people value that which doesn’t come too easy. As they say in the marketing and sales word, scarcity breeds value.
Be giving but when you sense a lack of appreciation, withdraw your effort.
You’ll never go wrong with this.
You need to read this article: Does he want me to chase him or leave him alone?
3. You’re not allowing yourself to vibe with guys
When examining the conversations of those who have struggled to ever get beyond the friendship phase, I noticed something in common.
They were so rigid that they didn’t allow themselves to flow with a vibe.
Emotions are energy and there’s an energy in most interactions, if you allow it to flow through you.
There are many different kind of vibes, and they present themselves as follows:
- Sexual attraction.
The one that has the least positive charge is a friendly vibe.
To vibe, you must free yourself of fear and insecurity and lean into the vibe he’s giving to you or to the vibe you’re feeling within.
4. You’re focused on being liked rather than connecting truthfully
Whenever people focus on being liked, they abandon themselves in exchange for a facade. This creates incredible amounts of insecurity and doubt because you’re being insincere and untrue to yourself.
It’s presumptuous of you to assume that others want you to be anyone except yourself.
“When you assume, you make an ass out you and me.”
Once you abandon the need for making others like you, that’s when you’ll experience true friendships and relationships.
One of the tips that I learned from a book called How To Win Friends And Influence People is to be interested in others rather than trying to be their version of interesting.
Most people want to be understood and they gravitate towards people who make them feel that way.
You’d have so much more success at relationships if you showed a genuine interest in those who are interested in you.
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5. You’re not making enough time to socialize
I know that we live in a time when it’s just easy to go online and swipe through ‘potential options’ for ourselves.
But, when we think of and treat people like an option, don’t be surprised if they treat us like one as well.
Remember, we attract who we are and what we do.
Make a genuine effort to show up and be attentive to those who you feel a pull towards.
If you can do it, at the very least, you won’t lose out on an opportunity to get to know good guys because you were far too busy or unavailable for them.
As they say, you miss every shot that you don’t take.
If you’re not showing up to the field, you’ll never even know if there’s a shot or not.
Show up for them and for yourself.
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I’ve done my best to write an article on this topic that expands beyond the superficial advice you may find elsewhere.
I just believe that there’s long term value in addressing the cause of problems than it is to make surface level changes that cannot be sustained.
Even if this feels like a lot of work, I promise you that the journey is rewarding and enjoyable.
Nobody has ever complained about healing their past traumas, improving their beliefs and making a better effort to live bravely and freely.
Nothing attracts love more like a fulfilled and vibrantly true personality.
With that being said, I hope this article on why do no guys like you was insightful and helpful. If you want me to help you find love and better guys, you can reach out for email coaching with me by clicking here to visit my services page.