Chasing an avoidant is one of the worst things you can do. It’s demeaning to you and it rewards the avoidant for pushing you away. If you want a fair chance at regaining their attention, you have to stop chasing an avoidant ex.
In this article, we are going to discuss exactly what happens when you stop chasing an avoidant.
When you stop chasing an avoidant, they are compelled to change from an avoidant, anxious or agitated state into a state of normalcy. When things are normal, most avoidants concentrate on what they don’t have and desire rather than what they’re terrified of. At this point, the avoidant experiences the repercussions of your silence.
It’s during periods of silence when loneliness, uncertainty, doubt and anxiety infect the subconscious mind. Eventually, it overflows into the conscious mind until the majority of thoughts are dominated by what has been lost and what is desired.
Most people, avoidants in particular, struggle to fully appreciate and comprehend the value of someone until after they’ve lost them.
The overwhelming power that fear and anxiety have over avoidants is the main issue that dictates the course of their actions.
If only avoidants exercised more emotional self-control, they would be able to separate thoughts influenced by temporary emotions from thoughts that are true and realistic.
During bouts of high anxiety and fear, avoidants fixate on the need to escape their own emotions. Unfortunately, they withdraw from relationships or loved ones in an attempt to ease discomfort.
What they fail to take into account is the aftermath of their decision to run.
When the uncomfortable feelings of intimacy and commitment have diminished, other uncomfortable thoughts are highlighted.
In other words, the avoidant now have to experience the discomfort of loneliness, loss, change and solitude.
Ironically, they are trading one version of discomfort for another.
An avoidant can, in the end, spend a lifetime avoiding one discomfort after another without ever fully escaping it.
The price of this behavior is love, commitment and companionship.
It’s heartbreaking, to say the least.
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Human nature dictates that we seek out relationships. Whether it be romantic or platonic, relationships are an essential need that cannot be overlooked without uncomfortable repercussions.
This is why an avoidant is bound to miss someone who stops chasing them.
As much as I can spend years of my life preparing for loss, I will never be able to mitigate the effects of loss.
Similarly, even though an avoidant spends a significant period of time focusing on the benefits of deflecting from intimacy and commitment, they cannot completely avoid the pain that comes from loss.
By not chasing an avoidant, you are speeding up the process of shifting them from wanting to get away from you to missing you.
Because it maximizes the negative effects of breaking up or rejecting someone, no contact is an effective tool for getting an ex back.
In other words, no contact hastens the transition to doubt, anxiety and uncertainty about leaving someone.
All those emotions are uncomfortable.
If it can create an overwhelming urge or desire for the average person to reconsider leaving someone, imagine the effect it would have on an avoidant!
I hope that I am adequately illustrating and explaining how effective it is to stop chasing an avoidant because it is a game changer.
Think about this for a second.
Growing attachments to intimacy will frighten or repel someone with an avoidant attachment style that is uncontrolled.
The more you chase them, the more threatened they feel by attachment and intimacy.
Chasing an avoidant is like pouring gasoline on a fire.
You’re creating more reasons for them to avoid you.
Ultimately, this is why you should stop chasing an avoidant ex. Once an avoidant gets what they want, their anxious mind finds the next form of discomfort to escape.
It just so happens that loneliness, solitude, and a lack of love are some of the things an avoidant will want to avoid and escape because they are uncomfortable dealing with them.
You need to read this article: Can you get your avoidant ex back?
Does An Avoidant Want You To Chase Them?
At first, no.
But, circumstances change when the avoidant experiences the negative effects of breaking up or rejecting you.
Remaining friends while chasing an ex only provides comfort for them. At the same time, it’s a betrayal of your own needs and wants.
However, if you are content with parting ways and agree to split up, perhaps it may be helpful to both you and the avoidant to remain in some contact.
Surely, it can be argued that the complete elimination of contact is not a loving thing to do.
In the most ideal scenario, remaining in contact with someone you love can be a positive decision.
Rarely is this the case, but when there are extenuating circumstances at play, it may be necessary to maintain some degree of contact or friendship.
A prime example of this would be in the case of shared custody of a child.
To alienate yourself from your avoidant ex at the expense of your child would be a toxic or painful endeavor.
In such a scenario, maintaining some clear and regulated contact would be of benefit to everyone.
Either way, there’s no scenario in which it is advisable to chase an avoidant.
They may come to want the attention.
In fact, they’ll create signs and signals that encourage you to chase them because the comfort from your attention and affection mitigates the negative effects of their avoidant attachment style.
Remaining committed to yourself is pivotal.
Believe me when I tell you that temptation will bite you every single day. The idea of talking to your avoidant ex will entice you on a deep level.
But, you have to exercise patience and emotional self-control.
This is what happens when you chase an avoidant ex:
- You get friendzoned.
- You get blocked or ignored.
- Your support and presence help the avoidant find someone else.
In all three scenarios, you get the short end of the stick.
I challenge you to ask people what happened when they agreed to be friends with an ex or chased an ex.
I’m willing to bet that 95% of people experienced one of the three results mentioned above.
Just to clarify, at some point, an avoidant will want you to chase them because it provides comfort, support and ease from the consequences of their actions.
This helps the avoidant ex to make peace with their decision to run away from a relationship with you.
Eventually, when the avoidant begins to feel at peace, they move on and find someone else.
Don’t make the mistake of being a safety net for someone.
You deserve to be the first prize in the eyes of a partner.
You need to read this article: Why your avoidant ex wants to be friends
What Makes An Avoidant Chase You
If an avoidant is evasive to discomfort, then rejection must be excruciatingly uncomfortable to experience.
Anyone who has been rejected or dumped knows the feelings of insecurity, low self-worth, doubt and loneliness that come from it.
I hate the fact that this sounds manipulative, but I want to illustrate an idea that ties directly into the no-contact rule.
If you were to flip the narrative and be the one to end all communication with an avoidant when they bring up the idea of being friends or remaining in contact, they have no choice but to view it as a form of rejection.
Your approach would dictate whether or not they perceive it in this manner.
If you are completely distraught and lashing out at an avoidant, there’s no air of mystery to how you feel.
It’s abundantly clear that your choice to walk away is due to the overwhelming desire to be with them.
But, imagine a scenario in which you express disappointment but assert that you accept things as they are because you want someone who is certain about you. Wouldn’t that change the narrative?
Rather than being a victim of the avoidant person’s attachment style, you’re taking ownership of what you want.
It just so happens that you are expressing a desire to want someone who isn’t like the avoidant.
That is going to be interpreted as a form of rejection.
Pair this with no contact and it’s highly probable that the avoidant will transition through their cycle of avoidance at a rapid pace.
They’d be right back to square one.
Suddenly, they are faced with an overwhelming need to avoid loneliness, insecurity and a lack of love.
Who do you think will be on the avoidant’s mind when they are back to this point in their life?
The last person they were romantically involved with!
The last person who provided some happiness and love to them before their avoidant attachment style encouraged them to sabotage the relationship.
That’s you.
You need to read this article: How to make an avoidant ex miss you
Final Thoughts
Believe me when I tell you that not chasing an avoidant is the most effective way to get them back.
It appears to be counterintuitive but love doesn’t really make sense in a lot of cases.
Emotional self-control is required of you during this time.
It’s going to hurt and you will experience bouts of doubt, sadness, uncertainty and fear.
But, I want you to remember that the alternative isn’t any better.
Temporary comfort is not worth the pain and suffering caused by an avoidant who eventually moves on in front of your very own eyes.
At the very least, you would not regret being congruent with your own beliefs.
I don’t think anyone truly regrets respecting themselves.
Not chasing an avoidant ex is the most respectful thing you can do for yourself.
With that being said, I hope this article on what happens when you stop chasing an avoidant ex was insightful to read. If you would like my personal help to get your avoidant ex back, check out my services page for more information on my email coaching package.