When an avoidant pushes you away, it is a telltale sign that they are experiencing the effects of their avoidant attachment style. Bombarding them with affection and interest will only worsen their anxiety and fear. The best thing you can do is give the avoidant space to miss you.
Unfortunately, this is difficult to accept and do because every fiber of your being is screaming at you to do something else.
Feelings of anxiety and fear will come to the surface as a result of the avoidant pushing you away.
When two people are operating from a space of anxiety and fear, bad things always happen. It is unhelpful and detrimental if you lean into your emotions during this time.
In order to combat the negative emotions that cause an avoidant partner to push you away, you must maintain your calmness and composure when dealing with them. In other words, be centered and rational.
Here’s a list of things not to do when an avoidant pushes you away:
- Don’t beg or plead with them for attention.
- Don’t lash out at them.
- Don’t text them incessantly.
- Don’t call or confront them.
- Don’t give them an ultimatum that you don’t mean.
- Don’t allow them to escalate the issue by reacting impulsively to what they say or do.
Believe me when I tell you that I understand how frustrating and upsetting it is to deal with someone who suddenly pushes you away.
It’s normal to feel hurt and afraid.
But, don’t allow those emotions to influence your judgment altogether.
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Don’t Chase An Avoidant Who Is Pushing You Away
Sometimes, the best course of action is no action at all. In other words, inaction can produce favorable results when dealing with an avoidant.
It’s also the hardest thing to do because it goes against the nature of your feelings.
There have been so many times in my life when I felt emotionally compelled to chase after someone who was pushing me away.
In the moment, it felt like I was fighting for the love of my life. The fact that they were pushing me away created feelings of rejection that triggered emotions of insecurity and fear.
This made them appear to be even more important to me.
Our brains can be weird in that way.
We can put someone on a pedestal simply because they’re rejecting us. It creates this idea in our minds that they must be in a position of superiority to be rejecting me.
And so, we assume that if we can get them back, this will revalidate our worth not only in their eyes but also in our own.
That’s so problematic.
For a relationship to thrive, we must operate from a space of security, love and confidence.
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You can’t allow the avoidant to pull you into a space of anxiety because that combination will feed each other’s insecurities.
The only way you’re going to develop the mental fortitude and security to let the avoidant push you away is by gaining the confidence of watching them come back to you.
When you realize that inaction and patience can bring them back and also strengthen the value of your presence, it will become easier to deal with setbacks whenever the avoidant wants to pull away.
I know that it seems counterintuitive to let someone push you away.
We’re taught from a very young age that it’s important to fight for the people we love. That is true. But, in romantic relationships, it has an adverse effect on attraction and interest.
“One must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” – Thich Nhat Hanh
No truer words have ever been spoken.
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How I Reattracted An Avoidant
I was in a relationship for many years with someone who had an avoidant attachment style. This was way back in my early 20s, and something I realized was that chasing my partner whenever she pushed me away only made things worse.
The issue wasn’t that she was pushing me away even though it appeared that way.
In reality, she was pulling away.
That’s what an avoidant does when they are triggered by some kind of anxious or fearful belief.
When I remained calm and did not try to force her to be loving and close to me, she’d let her guard down and come right back to being her normal self.
The unfortunate reality is that you may go through this situation again and again, especially if the avoidant doesn’t intentionally work on their issues.
You can’t fix or change someone with an avoidant attachment style.
You can work with them and be supportive within reason.
It’s important to remember that you need boundaries and you are deserving of someone who chooses to be with you.
If the avoidant is willing to put in the work, you should be able to walk away and mean it.
It may not be what you want to hear but there comes a time when it is imperative that you exercise a great deal of dignity and self-respect in a relationship.
Something that I have learned in my own life is that before anyone else can respect me, I need to respect myself.
And without respect, love will never truly exist or thrive.
Be sure that whatever decision you make doesn’t destroy your dignity and self-respect.
It’s not a worthwhile sacrifice.
You’ll ultimately just lose the avoidant and your sense of self in the process.
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Here’s What You Need To Do To Get Your Avoidant Ex Back
The actions listed below have helped me and countless other people who have been with an avoidant.
Do these things when an avoidant pushes you away:
- Let them know that you love them and it’s okay if they need some space.
- Don’t threaten to leave, just be prepared to leave if you need to.
- Offer support and comfort if they need it.
- Observe their behavior for any warning flags of possible betrayal.
- Express your feelings but without making the avoidant feel guilty or pressured.
Let the avoidant wonder about you by behaving in this manner. Also, give them a taste of the possibility of losing you altogether.
Avoidants always struggle with discomfort.
Often, their perception of commitment creates feelings of discomfort and so they push you away.
But what’s even more uncomfortable than commitment is loneliness, loss and big changes to a routine.
When they get a taste of these things after pushing you away, it’s going to cause so much discomfort that they are going to most likely come back, expressing a desire to reconcile or to be close to you.
What you’ll find is that once the avoidant gets a taste of space, they may enjoy it for a while but even that passes.
No emotion, not even comfort and joy, is permanent.
Once they fall back into a default state and you aren’t blowing up their phone or falling apart, it’s going to make them wonder about you.
The fact that you aren’t chasing them is a sign of inner strength and self-respect. It takes a great deal of confidence to make this decision and the avoidant will recognize this.
What we know about strength, self-respect and confidence is that they are considered extremely attractive traits.
Your avoidant’s perception of you is going to drastically change after this experience if they were taking you for granted or believed that you were pining for their love and presence.
When the avoidant starts to show up more and appears to have missed you, don’t play the game of being too easy and welcoming.
At the same time, it’s not a good idea to punish someone for their feelings and I would never advocate for that.
But, at the same time, remain centered and let the avoidant do some work to court you.
This is the only way to nurture normalcy in a relationship with an avoidant.
You need to read this article: How to reattract an avoidant ex
I am of the belief that with the right person, even if they are an avoidant, they’ll gravitate back to you because the bond shared is worth the effort required to overcome obstacles.
That’s the kind of partner and relationship you want to invest in.
It’s not about finding the perfect person who is flawless. Instead, being with someone who chooses to be with you inspite of your flaws and their own flaws is priceless.
When two people work together on improving themselves, it’s easy to nurture a relationship that thrives and lasts a long time.
If your avoidant partner is pushing you away, give them the space to choose you again.
You need to read this article: How to end the fearful avoidant chase!
With that being said, I hope you found this article on what to do when an avoidant pushes you away to be helpful and insightful. If you would like my help directly, feel free to visit my services page for more information on my email consultation package.