An avoidant partner who withdraws may not want to be overwhelmed with attention and grand gestures. We know that this behavior can trigger a negative response in the avoidant, causing them to pull away and withdraw further. But, at the same time, doing nothing can feel like a lack of interest, love, and care that may perpetuate or provoke the avoidant to withdraw further away from you. So, what do you do? Here’s exactly what to do when an avoidant partner withdraws.
The ideal reaction is to express your love and concern clearly and vocally. As uncomfortable as it may be to communicate with your partner, who appears reticent and withdrawn, it is important to avoid the abandonment of your role as a romantic partner.
The role of a partner is to serve the relationship in a loving manner. This means showing up and communicating in good and bad times.
But, once you’ve made an effort to communicate and address the issue, you should allow the avoidant to come back to you.
Express to them that you love them and will give them some space until they are ready to talk because you want to know what’s wrong and you want to make things work.
Thereafter, wait for a day or two before reaching out again to check up on them.
Observe their behavior and demeanor. If nothing has changed, step away again, but this time, let them reach out to you.
If you notice a positive change and the avoidant is coming across as more open, loving, and willing to connect, build on that interaction in a positive way.
What’s important and incredibly difficult to do is maintain your composure in a situation like this.
You have to be the one who isn’t reactive to the avoidant, because that will spell trouble for the relationship.
You need to read this article: How much space should you give an avoidant?
Why You Shouldn’t Chase An Avoidant
When the avoidant partner is experiencing a flare up of their attachment style, you have to be the one who remains composed, committed, and mature.
You will be scared, anxious, and uncertain, but learn to control your emotions by not reacting to them impulsively.
Instead, think about the best way to handle the situation and do that.
Two people who are in complete reaction mode to an avoidant attachment style will suffocate each other or trigger feelings of abandonment in each other.
Anyone who feels pushed away or isolated from their partner will freak out. Regardless of your attachment style, it will trigger feelings of fear and anxiety.
But, the difference between those who fall apart and those who remain composed comes down to how they deal with these emotions.
Those who fall apart and try to desperately fix things end up overwhelming their avoidant partner.
They become overly clingy, desperate, and needy.
It’s understandable, but this behavior is unattractive when it occurs uncontrollably and due to extreme fear rather than desire.
You run the risk of ruining attraction and destroying respect within the relationship.
Someone who has control over their emotions will still feel the same emotions, but they will choose to behave with composure, dignity, and self respect.
They’d be willing to express their emotions and share their desire to work things out, but not at the risk of completely sacrificing all their dignity and self respect or at the expense of the avoidant’s feelings.
Another reason you don’t want to chase the avoidant partner when they withdraw is because you don’t want to reinforce this behavior.
Rewarding bad behavior with more attention, affection, and effort doesn’t change the behavior but enables it.
If your avoidant partner has any chance of overcoming the pitfalls of their attachment style, you have to avoid falling into this vicious cycle of playing cat and mouse.
Nobody wins if you do, even if you get them to engage with you again.
There are certain boundaries that must exist within a relationship, and one of those boundaries necessitates equal or full commitment to the relationship.
To commit doesn’t mean to just be exclusive to someone. It actually entails a consistent effort to be loving and engaged in the relationship.
It means that the avoidant partner has to make an effort to connect and communicate through difficult times.
You shouldn’t have to force your partner to commit, because that defeats the whole purpose of being in a relationship with someone.
You need to read this article: Do fearful avoidants want you to chase?
Let Your Avoidant Partner Have Space
Recently, I stumbled on a YouTube short by Mel Robbins, and she shared some information on a technique called, “Let Them”.
The idea behind this technique is to let people be who they are. If someone doesn’t want to commit to a relationship, let them. If your avoidant partner wants to withdraw for some time, let them.
Rather than exhausting yourself by trying to hold people close to you or by trying to get them to do what you want or need, let them be who they are.
Usually, you’ll find yourself experiencing more peace by submitting to the will of God and letting people be who they are.
When you let them, people will usually show you who they really are or what their true intentions are.
At that point, you can decide how to respond and what to do without being plagued with uncertainty or confusion.
This is a wonderful principle to apply in your relationships, and you’ll be able to filter out those who are worthy of your time and love from those who are not.
What you may just discover is that your avoidant partner manages to regulate themselves without your persistent intervention and gravitates right back to you organically.
If they do, not only will it strengthen the relationship because you’ll feel secure knowing that they chose to come back to you based on their own feelings of love and commitment, but the avoidant will also understand your boundaries and realize that there’s no need to panic about feeling trapped with you because you’re not the type of person to overwhelm others or insist on them being with you.
You need to read this article: How long does it take for fearful avoidants to come back?
Should You Leave An Avoidant?
That’s not for me to say.
The most that I can do is guide you to a long lasting and healthy relationship.
And that’s the key to any romantic problem.
You need to ask yourself if this relationship can last a lifetime and if it can be healthy for the two of you.
There is no such thing as a perfect partner or perfect relationship.
People spend a lifetime building a perfect relationship through communication, love, respect, boundaries, and effort.
If you have an avoidant partner who is good to you in most ways other than when they are overwhelmed with emotion or pressure, then there’s much to be fought for.
Don’t just give up on a relationship that has an attachment style problem.
These issues can be worked on and resolved with time, patience, trust, and counseling.
But, if your avoidant partner constantly puts you through tests, makes you question your sanity, plunges you into deep insecurity, and ruins happy times with uncalled for distance, then you need to consider leaving, even temporarily.
Don’t sacrifice yourself entirely to save a romantic relationship with someone who is unwilling to grow and improve as a person and partner.
Mutual effort is necessary for all relationships to survive and thrive.
Most importantly, you deserve to be loved consistently, not only when it’s suitable or convenient for someone.
That’s the most important thing to remember when thinking about what to do when an avoidant partner withdraws.
You need to read this article: Walking away from an avoidant
- Don’t chase an avoidant partner when they pull away. It may overwhelm them and drive them further away.
- Don’t abandon the avoidant partner either. Make a genuine attempt to connect with them without pressuring them.
- Give the avoidant some space while checking in on them when you feel like it.
- Remain composed, secure, and patient while the avoidant is emotionally fired up. Two people who are emotionally uncontrollable will drive each other crazy and ruin their relationship with impulsivity.
- Give your avoidant partner a chance to regulate themselves and choose you. In the future, if this happens again, you won’t be as afraid or insecure because you’ll have more experience dealing with this.
- Use the “Let Them” principle to help you find out who belongs in your life and who doesn’t.
- If an avoidant partner is good in most ways and has a desire to manage their attachment style, work with them instead of abandoning ship. Great relationships are built, not found.
In life, I’ve come to realize that submission to the greater plan always provides peace and comfort during times of uncertainty and anxiety.
Whenever I find myself in this position, I turn to God and allow him to show me who belongs in my life and who doesn’t.
Those who are meant to be with me find a way back to me sincerely and earnestly, while those who don’t belong exit when they should.
With that being said, I hope you found this article on what to do when an avoidant partner withdraws to be insightful. If you’d like to re-attract an avoidant ex, you need to grab a copy of my eBook, called Reconcile, by simply clicking here. It’s a step-by-step guide that is concise and jam-packed with practical information. Alternatively, you can work with me directly by checking out my services page.