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What To Do When A Man Pulls Away (The Perfect Response!)

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when a man pulls away from you

It’s distressing and confusing when a man pulls away. I wouldn’t blame you for reacting impulsively and chasing him. But, often, chasing a man who pulls away has an adverse effect on attraction.

Instead of pulling him to you, it pushes him away.

Double texts and multiple phone calls on a regular basis are too much effort. 

Similarly, grandiose declarations of love and lust are not helpful either. At best, you’ll receive temporary validation and attention before they’re snuffed out altogether.

At worst, you’ll get rejected, ghosted or left after attempting to win him back through this emotionally charged intervention. 

What I am going to suggest is counterintuitive. 

For the majority of us, it runs counter to the very message that is emphasized in books, movies, and fables. 

But the best thing to do when a man pulls away is to let him do it. 

What Are The Signs Of A Man Pulling Away?

what are the signs of a man pulling away

Depending on the extent of his feelings, he will exhibit some of these behaviors or all of them. During the early stages of him pulling away, some of these signs may appear as slight changes in his behavior.

If his behavior takes a drastic turn for the worse and each of these signs appears clearly and blatantly, then that indicates a strong probability that he wants to pull away.

The reasons he withdrew will vary, and if it’s something nefarious or malicious, the extremeness and unexpectedness of the subsequent signs will be obvious and startling.

  1. He doesn’t reply to you punctually.
  2. His texts are short and close ended.
  3. He exhibits flakey behavior.
  4. He doesn’t make an effort to date and court you.
  5. He can go many hours without replying to you.
  6. He’s online but not texting you back.
  7. He seems unfocused and distracted around you.
  8. He isn’t expressing love properly.
  9. He doesn’t call you back.
  10. He backtracks on future plans.
  11. He begins to show signs of avoidance when it comes to commitment.
  12. He’s cold and reticent.

You need to read this article: 13 Signs your boyfriend is losing interest through text

Is It Common For Men To Pull Away?

is it common for men to pull away


It is common and normal for men to pull away at some point in the relationship.

If you were behaving like a challenge during the courtship and he was extremely attracted to you physically and intellectually, then he may not pull away at all during that period.

If you would like a step-by-step explanation on how to get an ex back or to re-attract someone who lost interest, grab a copy of my ebook called Reconcile. I put this guide together for serious students of the game who want to cut through the fluff and get results in their love life. Click Here To Check It Out! 

I’m willing to bet that it was when everything seemed to be progressing seriously that he started to pull away.

Just after you let your walls down and opened up to him emotionally and physically, he began to show signs of pulling away.

What confuses you is the fact that he appeared highly invested and passionate about being with you early on, but now that you are ready to commit all of yourself to him and the relationship, he pulls away.

A lot of married couples go through this and it’s startling.

If you are prone to an anxious attachment style, observing your partner pull away is going to trigger all of those insecure and anxious beliefs.

Reminding yourself that this is normal can mitigate some of the anxious and insecure feelings you experience during this phase.

Attraction, interest and desire are very much unfixed.

Just because someone exhibits signs of high attraction, interest and desire doesn’t mean that they will always remain at that level throughout the relationship.

On the contrary, it is inevitable for their feelings to fluctuate.

We are not designed to remain in one fixed emotional state at all times. Emotional fluctuations are completely normal. What goes up must come down. 

That’s when commitment, honor and integrity come into play.

You want to associate yourself with the kind of man who remains committed and honorable during these phases of low interest or attraction.


Because you can’t prevent someone from experiencing a drop in desire. It’s natural and expected. 

You also cannot stop someone from cheating or leaving you when this occurs.

This is why it’s important to find a man who wouldn’t use a decrease of interest or attraction as an excuse to engage in infidelity.

When you can trust a man to be honorable and integrous, it’s easy to respond to feelings of fear and anxiety in a healthy and attractive manner.

The reason why I think it’s okay and healthy to expect and allow someone to pull away at times is because it creates the freedom and space needed for them to miss you and choose you.

Think about it.

Imagine what your relationship can overcome if you trust and allow your partner to pull themselves back to you even after they’ve pulled away from you.

Imagine the kind of security and confidence you’d feel knowing that you didn’t have to latch on to a man desperately to keep him.

Even after pulling away, the thought of losing you altogether was not something he was willing to entertain.

If you can change your perspective on this and view it as a normal test in all relationships, I’m willing to bet that you can channel this event into something highly positive for you and him.

You need to read this article: What should I do if I want a relationship and he doesn’t

Don’t Chase A Man Who Is Pulling Away From You

don't chase a man who is pulling away from you

In other words, allow him to pull away from you without trying to latch onto him with everything you have. 

This is the most difficult thing to do. I’m sure that you’re overwhelmed by the thought of it, but it is the best thing to do when a man pulls away.

The best piece of advice that I ever heard was the following:

“You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

The focus of most relationship based articles online is on the importance of boundaries. To regulate and promote respect, we are to draw a line between behaviors that are loving and those that are unloving.

Yet, when love itself is questioned, boundaries act only as a cage.

To love in such a way that the person you love feels free requires you to leave the door open at all times.

In other words, do not compel or force the man you love to remain with you. 

How scary this is!

I’ve been in the very same situation you find yourself in. Rather than love freely, I tried to hold the person I loved closer. 

In my attempt to resist loss, I lost a lot of respect and value in that relationship.

Ironically, without respect, a person will never truly love you.

So, with a temporary win, you set yourself up for a permanent loss in the future. 

That is the price we pay for holding on to someone who pulls away. 

Online, you’ll come across countless pieces of advice with methods that claim to help you get a man’s attention again.

Perhaps you’ll be advised to ignore him to make him chase you.

I’ve written about this before, when my knowledge of love and attraction was not nearly as diverse and deep as it is now.

But these bandages cannot overwrite fate.

When your default position in life is to give love, you will only accept someone who operates from the same prerogative as you do.

People who are driven to receive love under the pretense of giving it are those who turn bitter, unhinged, desperate, needy, clingy and weak when that love is threatened.

Never will one find peace in love that was not given freely and enthusiastically.

When you value lasting peace over short-term relief from suffering, it’s simple to conduct yourself in a dignified and respectful manner.

A man who feels your lack of neediness will often question his decision to pull away.

Furthermore, a man who senses a confident, secure and self-respecting woman will struggle to find solid reasons to pull away altogether. 

Men are driven by value.

Granted, there’s an argument that men are visual creatures and that may be true. But that is speaking in terms of lust.

In regards to love, men are only interested in women who they perceive to be valuable.

What do men view as valuable?

Anything and anyone who has to be earned! 

In other words, anything and anyone who poses a challenge and isn’t easily available or accessible to anyone.

I want you to consider the option of letting him pull away and get some space.

It is a common fact that attraction and interest are nurtured both in person and in absence. 

Think of it like the Yin and Yang symbol.

Together, they complement each other beautifully. 

Believe me when I tell you that I was completely resistant to this idea.

In fact, throughout my early 20s, I struggled with immense codependency. This was partly due to my childhood but it was also the result of pursuing a long distance relationship.

Spending an obscene amount of time texting and calling my partner every single day rewired my brain to need constant contact.

This is not healthy, nor is it conducive to a healthy relationship.

Some distance is a healthy necessity after time spent together. It promotes desire, interest, attraction and enthusiasm.

However, it’s not just good enough to take time apart.

This brings us to the next thing to do when a man pulls away.

You need to read this article: Here’s what happens when you stop chasing an avoidant

Focus On Realigning With Your Identity

realign with your identity

Whenever I examine a situation such as this one, there’s a correlation between a change in behavior and the man pulling away.

During the early days of courtship, you don’t have much of an investment in a man.

This gives you the freedom to express your truest and most positive self without fear of loss.

You can’t fear losing someone who isn’t your partner.

But, as soon as you begin to invest in someone and the idea of a future with them bounces around your brain, that’s when our weakness is revealed.

Some people have worked on minimizing the effects of this by working through their fears and by maintaining their sense of individuality.

In other words, they are able to love in such a way that the person they love feels free.

To do this, you must love yourself.

Then there are those who are unfamiliar with this and they cling to the other individual.

In other words, their sense of identity and happiness get tied to the idea of being with this man.

How can you love freely when you are bound by the shackles of your fears and attachments?

Perhaps the reason he is pulling away is because you transitioned from your most comfortable and peaceful self to one that is fixated on holding him close.

By all means, prioritize love but never beyond the preservation of your own identity. The reason he fell in love with you in the first place is because of who you are.

Your relationship and your mental health will appreciate the choice you make to align with your true self again.

Use this time to center yourself and lean back into who you are as a person.

Make time for your health, family, friends, beliefs, religion, goals and passions. When you can get in touch with your identity again, you’ll go back to how you were during the courtship and honeymoon stages.

Essentially, you’ll remind him of all the reasons why he was so drawn to you in the first place without having to chase or beg him for attention or affection.

You need to read this article: How to handle rejection from a guy

Don’t Pretend Like You Don’t Care About Him

don't pretend like you don't care about him

I am saddened to see advice on the internet promoting dishonesty and manipulation.

Granted, when I started off, I found myself writing about topics that could easily be construed as manipulative. 

Thinking about this makes me cringe. 

I have considered removing some of the content on this site but I feel like transparency is more beneficial to you, my readers. 

The evolution of my perspective and understanding of relationships should serve as a reminder of what each of us is capable of. 

It is futile and asinine to waste your time pretending to be careless and unbothered by a man who is pulling away.

There’s nothing truly honest or sincere about that. 

Play stupid games and you will win stupid rewards. 

If someone is feeling overwhelmed, smothered or uncertain, it is unloving and uncaring for us to manipulate them by pretending as if we feel the same or worse. 

Astute men will read between the lines and identify your insecurity or tactics from a mile away. 

You’ll lose him at this point, or you’ll reveal your weaknesses to a vindictive man who will manipulate you.

Unknowing or gullible men will believe you and feel fear. 

In a fearful state, he may pull away altogether and leave to avoid being hurt or he may unravel and chase you.

In both scenarios, the two of you will lose.

You’ll lose respect for him if he unravels and chases you incessantly.

At first, you may enjoy it but soon thereafter, you’ll grow to resent the fact that he showed such weakness and fragility.

You stand more to gain by remaining honest and honorable than by playing silly games.

Without breaking down or acting rashly, you are absolutely allowed to feel disappointed or worried about him walking away. 

Expressing some care and concern won’t turn him off or push him away forever.

On the contrary, it may soften his heart and be a reminder of your value. 

You wouldn’t have much to regret by being truthful to him and to yourself.

If he still chooses to leave, you could rest easy knowing that he wasn’t the right man for you. 

More importantly, you’ll find comfort in the honesty and sincerity that you exercised in this relationship.

You need to read this article: How to make an avoidant ex miss you

Final Thoughts

As difficult as it appears to be, there’s a great deal of growth that comes from dealing with a man who pulls away.

Exercising emotional self-control and remaining grounded in your identity will have profoundly positive effects on your relationship with men and with yourself.

Remain patient, be loving, avoid acting desperate and prioritize yourself over the validation of someone else.

It’s difficult but the rewards are stupendous.

I’m willing to bet that you’ll reattract a man who pulls away by leaning into these changes.

With that being said, I hope you found this article on what to do when a man pulls away to be helpful and practical. If you would like my help, please check out my services page for more information on my email coaching package.

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