As many of you know, there are four attachment styles that develop in most of us during early childhood. Depending on which attachment style we have, our relationships and behavior within them tend to be heavily influenced. But, what is the worst attachment style for relationships? It’s a good question to ask, and here’s what I believe to be true.
The worst attachment style for a relationship is an anxious attachment style. People with this attachment style predominantly exhibit signs of deep insecurity, an aversion to commitment, and vulnerability to outside influence. In fact, it is said that people with an anxious attachment style are more prone to infidelity than others due to their insecurities and constant need for validation or attention.
Unless, of course, someone with an anxious attachment style has a strong value system or is working towards improving their attachment style through therapy and self-development, there’s a good reason to say that they will avoid cheating.
But, that doesn’t mitigate some of the other issues caused by the anxious attachment style in relationships.
Let’s talk about the signs of an anxious attachment style. They are as follows:
- Irrationally anxious or afraid.
- Overthinking and analyzing most things.
- Running hot and cold.
- Clingy and needy.
- Insecure about themselves and within their relationships.
- Fear of abandonment, either founded or unfounded.
- Constantly needs validation or reassurance.
- Feels empty or unfulfilled no matter how much closeness or intimacy they currently have.
It may seem like someone with an anxious attachment style would make a terrible partner, but in reality, they can be some of the warmest and most loving people you encounter.
You need to read this article: Walking away from an avoidant (should you leave?)
Why People With Anxious Attachment Styles Are So Attractive
What goes up must come down.
Because anxiety based issues create such a spike in emotions, particularly negative ones, it naturally follows that when anxiety passes, the exact opposite can occur.
The same individual can appear understanding, calm, loving, compassionate, and fun.
It takes a great deal of work to live with any form of anxiety. Most people have to discover and practice self-soothing remedies to keep themselves regulated. Those same remedies for care show up in their relationships, which is what makes them so compelling at first.
Being with someone who has an anxious attachment style feels addictive.
When they need you or want you, there’s nothing that will get in the way of that. They have the ability to make you feel validated and special like no one else.
If you have a tendency towards codependency, it’s like the perfect recipe for disaster because your desire to feel needed and helpful is properly matched with their need for validation and love.
You need to read this article: What are avoidants attracted to?
The Problem With Dating Someone Who Has The Anxious Attachment Style
Unfortunately, anxiety is closely linked to doubt.
When you insert doubt into a relationship, peace and security exit. That’s when communication becomes paramount, and without it, you’re destined to fail.
If the anxious person fears abandonment or stews in their own doubt, their self-destructive coping mechanism takes center stage.
Sometimes, they seek comfort in validation and so they stray.
By fearing the loss of their relationship, they actually destroy it.
Similarly, if they fear abandonment, their self-destructive coping mechanism would be to push you away or leave the relationship altogether.
Think about it for a second. When you are deeply anxious, isn’t it difficult to trust anyone else or to be completely logical?
It’s like the rational and logical mind shuts down and is taken over by the anxious and fearful mind.
Even if you wanted to listen, you couldn’t because you’re in a fight, flight, or freeze response.
Those altered states of emotions are useful in a dangerous situation but not in romantic relationships.
In my experience, 99% of the time, actions and decisions taken from a place of love, strength, and security were always the right choices, especially in my romantic relationships.
Unfortunately, people with the anxious attachment style struggle to operate in this manner, which is what makes it difficult for them to have healthy relationships.
Unless they are equipped with better coping mechanisms and have the support of a therapist, it’s difficult for them to handle the flare-up of anxiety that is caused by their fears and attachment style.
Things may appear to be progressing fast because they are prone to love bombing and displaying high attraction and interest early on.
That’s something incredibly compelling about people with an anxious attachment style.
They’re afraid of abandonment and commitment, but they yearn for it on a deep level.
So, when they find it, those early days are filled with lots of admiration, love, interest, and effort.
But, it doesn’t last and when they crash after the high from the honeymoon stage or when the relationship encounters its first few tests, that’s when they experience ridiculous amounts of anxiety and fear.
At this point, they can work through it or fall into old ways.
If they fall into old toxic ways, chances are such that you will be left heartbroken.
Sometimes, you never see it coming, and the person you love appears to be someone completely different than the picture that was created in your mind during the phase in which they are content and anxiety free.
If you’re one of the unlucky ones who gets cheated on, well, the aftermath is something that has the potential to make you question everything you know and feel about that person and your relationship.
You need to read this article: When to leave an avoidant partner.
The point of this article isn’t to hate on or stigmatize people with an anxious attachment style. It’s just to equip you with the knowledge you need to address this issue with your partner.
I strongly believe that everyone is capable of having long lasting and loving relationships if they are able to deal with their own flaws or challenges.
Throw in understanding, compassion, and communication into the mix and there’s a greater chance of helping each other to work through your fears and insecurities.
With that being said, I hope this article on what is the worst attachment style for relationships was eye-opening and informative. If you would like my help dealing with an anxious partner or person, feel free to check out my services page for more information on my email consultations.