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What Are Avoidants Attracted To? (Answered!)

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What if I told you that I could offer you a look into the mind of an anxious avoidant and what they are attracted to? Would you believe me? Well, I was an avoidant, and I’ve been with avoidants. I know a thing or two about what avoidants are attracted to, and it’s not what you would expect.

There are three things that avoidants are attracted to the most. They are as follows:

  1. They are attracted to the chase.
  2. They are attracted to control.
  3. They are attracted to other avoidants.

You need to understand the mind of an avoidant to navigate a relationship with them. Without a good understanding, you risk losing them soon after the relationship begins or becomes serious. 

With that being said, let’s examine these three things that avoidants are attracted to in more detail.

You need to read this article: How to end the fearful avoidant chase.

Three Things That An Avoidant Finds Attractive

avoidants, what avoidants find attractive, what do avoidants find attractive

1. Avoidants are attracted to the chase.

Would you agree that it is incredibly intoxicating to be in a romantic chase? The idea of new love is exciting, along with the validation that comes from watching someone fall for them.

This phase is highly attractive to avoidants because they romanticize the idea of love.

They may be afraid of commitment, but they desire love and companionship just like you and me.

Usually, the courtship phase is devoid of commitment. There’s really no reason for another person to expect anything from the avoidant.

That’s why they enjoy it so much.

They can show up as much as they want to without the expectation of having to.

It leans into their avoidant nature without actually preventing them from pursuing love during this phase of a potential relationship.

Also, most people are fun, eager, and laid-back during the early days of dating each other.

They put their best foot forward without really nitpicking on anything.

So, for the avoidant, this is highly attractive because there isn’t much that is expected of them.

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You need to read this article: What to do when an avoidant pushes you away.

2. They are attracted to control.

If you think about it carefully, avoidants are not only afraid of commitment or expectations placed on them.

They are also intoxicated by the idea of complete autonomy. Being completely free and in control of their lives without having to compromise on their needs is exciting.

When an avoidant is fantasizing about being single again, this comes to mind.

They think about what it will be like to get back to only serving themselves and not having to meet anyone’s expectations.

It’s all about control.

In a relationship, there is a natural distribution of power and control.

To some degree, the direction of your life is affected by and impacted by your partner. They have a say in the matter. Also, if the other person decides to end the relationship, the avoidant can’t stop them.

For these reasons, avoidants are really attracted to having excessive control.

3. They are attracted to other avoidants.

Like attracts like.

Avoidants are usually attracted to other avoidants because they feel understood.

More often than not, they’re both avoiding similar things.

They aren’t going to be overwhelming, nor will they push for commitment, because they also have an avoidant attachment style.

What we know about indifference is that it’s attractive.

People fantasize about being challenged in love.

They want to feel like they have to earn someone’s love and commitment.

So, when one avoidant meets another, their behavior can be perceived as highly attractive due to its slow, detached, and mysterious nature. 

You need to read this article: How to make an avoidant ex miss you.

How To Be Attractive To An Avoidant

avoidants, what avoidants find attractive, what do avoidants find attractive

Call me crazy, but I think that I’ve mastered the kind of behavior that is attractive to avoidants. It’s not that I’m trying to attract them, but I’m a recovering avoidant myself.

Till today, I found myself surprised by how well avoidants were attracted to me. There’s this sense of closeness and comfort between us that grows relatively fast. 

I’ve examined these relationships, and this is a list of things that an avoidant is attracted to in another person.

  • Be confident.
  • Don’t get hung up on labels.
  • Remain self-assured around an avoidant.
  • Don’t chase an avoidant.
  • Remain calm and composed when the avoidant is showing signs of fear and anxiety.
  • Give the avoidant space to miss you.
  • Allow the avoidant to pursue you.

Ironically, I would recommend this behavior to anyone who is looking to attract a partner, not just an avoidant.

Attraction boils down to respect.

We know that someone could never love you if they don’t respect you.

The only way to behave in a manner that garners respect from others is to have a healthy amount of self-respect.

Without it, you’ll subject yourself to humiliating behavior.

Someone who has a healthy sense of self-esteem and loads of self-respect is not known for desperately chasing someone. They aren’t overly clingy, erratic, or emotionally uncontrollable. 

When they find themselves being disrespected by someone else, their response is usually one that exudes dignity and self-respect.

Avoidants are highly attracted to someone who isn’t willing to sacrifice their self-respect and dignity to be with someone.

When they pull away or appear flaky, you won’t chase them or put up with that behavior.

You’d be willing to let them go because their behavior appears intolerable to you.

So, before you even think about investing emotions and time into an avoidant, be sure that it is a respectful thing to do to yourself.

If you are already involved with an avoidant, examine your behavior and find ways to act with more self-respect and dignity.

You need to read this article: How to re-attract an avoidant ex.

Final Thoughts

Honestly, I can’t stress enough how important it is for you to be confident around an avoidant.

If you’re insecure or lack self-esteem, the likelihood of you falling apart when the avoidant pulls away is significantly high.

To have a successful relationship with an avoidant, they need to be aware of their issues. More importantly, they need to have a plan for how to handle their avoidant attachment style when their anxiety and fear flare up.

It’s possible to have a long and committed relationship with an avoidant if both of you are working on your issues, weaknesses, and strengths as individuals and as a couple.

With that being said, I hope you found this article useful and easy to understand. If you would like my help with an avoidant, check out my services page for more information on how to get in contact with me.

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