10 Ways To Cope With Self Doubt In A Relationship

In this article, I’m going to share a list of ways to cope with self doubt in a relationship.

Before I do that, I’d like to provide some context on why my advice works so well. I grew up around a lot of validation. Through my teen years, I found myself easily complimented and given attention by others due to the way I conducted myself and appeared.

But, in my later 20’s, through illness and a lack of self care, I saw myself yo-yo between being my best self and my worst self.

As you can imagine, this caused immense turmoil. The foundation of my confidence was built only on external validation that wasn’t earned through hard work. It crumbled easily, and I was left deflated.

There have been other relationship experiences that have also hurt me. This hurt developed into more insecurity and self doubt, especially around the idea of relationships.

Thankfully, I’m an avid student of self development and psychology, which helped me understand and overcome my insecurities to the best of my ability. I also spent two years working with a psychologist on this very issue.

What I’m about to share with you is the advice that has helped me regain a sense of self respect and confidence around other people.

How To Overcome Insecurity In Your Relationship

1. Submit to a lack of control

There are certain things in life that are beyond our control.

As much as we can try to influence people’s opinions and feelings about us, we don’t have control over these things. If you obsess and alter your actions to elicit control, you’ll lose control of yourself.

That’s when insecurity and anxiety flare up the worst.

If you try to abandon the idea of controlling the uncontrollable, you’ll be surprised at how much simpler it is to cope with self doubt in a relationship.

I learned about submission through religion and spirituality.

My belief in a higher power and in his infinite wisdom often provides me with a sense of comfort and assurance that I can’t get otherwise.

Good and bad things are going to happen in life.

Being favored by God sometimes entails trials and tribulations.

If you’ve ever been through any test in life, there was always an intention behind it. If you applied yourself, you grew and experienced rewards. If you failed, you were given an opportunity to examine and grow through change.

Have good intentions, imagine a wonderful outcome, and proceed with God watching over you.

2. Be authentic

I have found that after submitting to a lack of control, my only option was to behave in a way that was congruent with my thoughts, feelings, and values.

Rarely do I base my decisions only on emotions or logic.

I try to find a balance between the three. By being authentic, you begin to trust that whatever happens is meant to happen.

I know that I’m showing up as authentically and honestly as possible. With this comes a sense of vulnerability.

This means that if I were in a relationship and my partner responded positively and affirmed their commitment to me, the positive feedback would wire my brain differently.

Experiencing acceptance and good outcomes from being authentic with your partner will dissolve self doubt in a relationship.

But if you try to develop a relationship based on ‘strategy’ and ‘calculated actions’ rather than authenticity, you’ll miss out on this positive feedback, and self doubt will always linger over you like a dark cloud.

3. Be kind to yourself

The mind is a beast. If it’s been programmed through experiences, community, and visual content to produce negativity, anxiety, and pessimism, it will constantly shower you with these thoughts.

When you least expect it, your mind will take jabs at you. Because you know yourself best, it will zone in on insecurities and fears that it knows will affect you.

The best way to deal with this is through self-compassion.

Whenever I have an insecure or critical thought about myself, I question whether it helps me to be better, do better, or feel better.

If it doesn’t, then I reject it out loud and replace it with a thought that is more empowering and helpful.

I’m not lying to myself, nor am I deluding myself. If the insecure or negative thought is grounded in some truth, which it usually is, I replace it with a positive and empowering thought that is also based on truth.

For example, “I don’t feel good enough for my partner.”

That’s a painful thought to have. It doesn’t really inspire feelings of positivity, empowerment, or peace.

Instead, I replace such a thought with the following: “I want to be a wonderful, compassionate, kind, supportive, and committed partner.”

At least, with my new thought, I can feel some degree of empowerment and hope rather than just criticizing myself without any guidance for growth.

It may not be a perfect strategy, but it is certain that one can help.

4. Communicate effectively

Most of the time, when people communicate while in a state of self doubt, fear, or insecurity, they are reckless.

The content of the conversation is extremely reactive, rather than responsive. Being reactionary often entails survival or fast movement, but not growth and healing.

Being responsive actually requires some careful consideration and direction.

Don’t let your partner experience the reaction of your self doubt and insecurity.

Instead, let them understand how you feel, give them an opportunity to provide some reassurance and affirmation, and focus on how to build trust and certainty in the relationship.

When your conversations about this issue are intentionally focused on understanding and growth, things improve drastically, especially when you are with someone who is good for you and ready for a committed relationship.

Related article: How to have a healthy relationship that lasts a lifetime

5. Examine the doubt

Not all self-doubt in a relationship is a sign of low self esteem or unwarranted insecurity issues.

By carefully examining the doubt and uncertainty you feel, you might find that it’s being triggered by your partner’s behavior.

Either this is intentional or unintentional on their part. But if it is being triggered by them, you have to address it in a healthy way.

So many people who were betrayed or deceived chalked up their doubt and fear to their own fault. When, in reality, their body and subconscious mind were responding to signs of insincerity or deception in the relationship.

Under the right circumstances, anxiety, doubt, and fear are useful tools for self preservation and protection.

It’s always a good idea to examine where it’s coming from.

If you’re good at being honest with yourself, you’ll recognize when it’s rooted in your own insecurities or in the behavior of your partner.

Related article: Should I worry about my girlfriend cheating?

6. Design a life that works for you

This may seem counterintuitive or conflicting with some of the advice on independence and healthy relationships, but I do believe that all of us are designed to have some degree of codependency.

Like anything in life, uncontrolled and unrestricted access can be poisonous.

There’s a part of you that will want to be closely connected to and reliant on your partner. That’s normal. But it can’t be your only state or your default state.

There’s a time and place for some codependency, and then there’s a time and place for independence.

They don’t have to be mutually exclusive.

When you design a life for yourself that takes health, wealth, spiritiuality, community, and love into fair consideration, you can tap into independence and codependence at the right time and in the right amount.

When you are with your partner and there’s a genuine desire to connect, embrace that feeling wholeheartedly.

Then, when you have to work on your health, connect with yourself and focus on getting the best workout in.

When you’re with your family or community in a serviceful manner, connect with that purpose completely and utterly.

In many ways, this sort of tunnel vision towards different areas of your life at allocated hours balances you unlike many other things in life.

When you have a life outside of your romantic relationship, you have security from different avenues in life.

At the same time, this form of living is highly attractive and will often nurture desire within your relationship.

Related article: How to become the hottest version of yourself

7. Set boundaries for your relationship

Healthy boundaries have very little to do with insecurity.

They are designed around values and morals.

I want you to meditate on this question for some time, like I did, “What do I stand for as a person?”

Forget about all the noise and opinions out there.

You’ll always find people who disagree with boundaries. It doesn’t matter. You have to design boundaries around your own values in order for them to really work for you.

When you honor yourself in this manner, it’s very difficult to live life with a lot of doubt.

In fact, there’s a quote by Anthony Douglas Williams that perfectly summarizes this idea: “When our actions are based on good intentions, our soul has no regrets.”

If the purpose or intent of a boundary is to honor good values that facilitate trust, love, honesty, and integrity, a good partner will respect you for it and honor you.

People who don’t have boundaries often don’t believe they deserve it. I used to be that kind of person. I feared that I didn’t deserve to express boundaries because I wasn’t even living in a manner that honored my own values and morals.

Figure out exactly what you stand for as a person and why you hold these values close to your heart.

When you do that, it’s easier and simpler to create and express good boundaries in a relationship.

A byproduct of this activity is that you get to live with less self doubt in a relationship because your intentions are good, you’re being authentic, and you’re thinking with integrity.

8. Honor your word

When I observe and analyze people, I can’t help but notice how much we are creatures of projection.

What I mean by this is that we base a lot of our thoughts, fears, and opinions on our own shortcomings or strengths.

If you’re a person who fails to honor your word, not just to others but to yourself, you’ll always experience doubt and suspicion about other people.

If you’re someone who bails when a relationship gets difficult, you’ll doubt whether your partner will stick around when things get hard.

A lot of self doubt can be conquered by deciding who you are and what you want to do without wavering on your commitment to that.

This ties into having boundaries as well.

You can’t draw a boundary and not exercise it when someone intentionally violates it.

It’s not easy to walk away from someone who violates your boundaries, but it’s what you must do.

Oftentimes, being a man or woman of your word is an exhausting, painful, and difficult task. But the rewards you receive are confidence, self worth, respect from yourself and others, and most importantly, certainty.

Here’s another nugget of wisdom I’d like to share with you: People who don’t keep their promises or who lack integrity can’t handle being with someone who does.

What this means is that you’ll lose people who can’t match your level of integrity. This leaves you only with people who do.

So, you may suffer through losing some people you care about, but you’ll be rewarded with people who are deserving of you.

9. Focus on the present moment

Much of what anxiety is based on is uncertainty. A constant barrage of obsessive thoughts on what the future holds is a surefire way to create doubt in your relationship.

You can’t predict what will happen in your relationship, nor can you control the way life plays out.

However, you can influence the outcome, and you can prevent regret by living in the moment.

How?

Great question.

The best way to live in the moment is to focus on serving your relationship to the best of your ability.

Do uncertainty and doubt make you feel powerful and useful?

No, they do not.

If it’s not useful to you, then replace it with passion and intensity towards being the best version of yourself right now.

Pay attention to your partner’s needs and wants. It’s a great way to create a relationship that is mutually beneficial and healthy.

When your partner feels loved and valued, they’ll reciprocate and respond in a manner that diminishes your uncertainty and doubt.

10. Don’t compare yourself to others

Unless you have worked exceptionally hard to maximize your appearance, personality, skills, finances, and health, you’ll always feel incompetent compared to those who do.

By all means, be realistic in your self-examination.

It can provide you with valuable information on how to become the best version of yourself.

But to frequently compare yourself to others is a journey to misery that guarantees insecurity, suspicion, and doubt.

You have to protect your relationship, not just from people who have bad intentions but also from the unnecessary and ridiculous standards portrayed on social media.

If being online constantly bombards you with reasons to feel insecure and unworthy of your partner’s love, get off those platforms and focus on living in the real world.

Comparison is useless if it doesn’t empower you to make positive changes in your life.

If it inspires immense insecurity and doubt, it has no place in your relationship.

Final Thoughts

This article on ways to cope with self doubt in a relationship was really enjoyable for me to write because it reminded me of how much I’ve grown as a person.

For a long time in my life, I felt like a prisoner of self doubt.

Those chains of doubt prevented me from living true to myself, and I had no idea what it would take to overcome them.

The fact that I could sit down and write this article with such vigor and enthusiasm reminds me of why I set out to create this site.

I get to help people cultivate better relationships with their loved ones and with themselves.

Take the advice from this article and apply it on a consistent basis. Over time, you’ll diminish self doubt and develop confidence in yourself.