From a very young age, the idea of action is purported to be an ideal response to problems. When threatened, we respond appropriately, either through fight or flight. But an often overlooked response is to freeze.
When we are romantically challenged by a loss of interest or attraction, our default approach is to fight.
How?
Well, we implore the use of loud and impressive gestures with grand declarations of love, but is that the correct response?
I don’t think it is.
The illusion of action has far more detrimental effects than we realize.
Here’s how:
- We risk abandoning our standards for a partner in pursuit of a disinterested person.
- Unreciprocated love can lead to limerence and obsession.
- If our attempts are ignored, we may abandon our self-respect and dignity out of sheer desperation.
If you’ve ever been infatuated or in love with someone who lost interest in you, I’m more than certain that you understand how irrational we become.
It’s not that we are unable to think logically, but that our emotional state completely overrides our ability to act logically.
Unless you have driven someone away through a lack of attention, love, and respect, finding more ways to declare your attraction and interest isn’t an ideal response.
This is the problem I have with trying to re-attract someone.
With the right person, unless you screw up monumentally, it’s quite difficult to destroy attraction. In a long-term relationship like marriage, change is inevitable, but what remains constant is how you show up.
If a couple is capable of showing up with a similar degree of passion, interest, and investment as they did in the past, the likelihood that they can maintain attraction is sky-high.
So, I’ll pose the following argument to you:
If someone loses interest in you despite your best efforts to be passionate, interested, and invested, what makes you think that doing more to win their attention will work?
I’m proposing the following response to a loss of attraction despite your attempts to be attractive:
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Do nothing.
Any time I’ve been in this situation, the hardest thing for me to do is nothing.
The illusion of action clouds my every thought, and I start to ruminate about what went wrong or what I could do differently.
Double texting isn’t the solution, nor are gifts or grand declarations of love.
These actions don’t scare me. I would argue that most of us never feel afraid to over pursue someone when we fear them losing interest.
The scariest thought is allowing someone to leave.
Which leads me to believe that this is the most effective way to re-attract someone.
If their attraction rises, it can indicate that you were saying or doing something to turn them off. If they leave and don’t come back, they were never that interested in or attracted to you in the first place.
A burning desire and attraction towards someone lingers long after you’ve parted ways from them, which is what led me to this conclusion.
What if they met someone else?
Is it a fruitful use of your time to invest effort into re-attracting someone who is blissfully attracted to another?
I’m of the opinion that it isn’t useful.
After writing a ton of articles on this topic, I fall back on this uncomfortable but useful idea shared by Mel Robbins: Let Them.
If someone makes the choice to lose attraction to you despite your attempts to nurture a relationship with them, just let them.
You’ll lose people faster, but those who stick around will often be the ones who find you to be magnificent.
You’ll also find out how ridiculously strong-willed and self-respecting you can be with this approach.