I can relate to anyone who says, I feel scared to talk to girls. It was a huge obstacle during my teen years because I was the quintessential shy guy. The only thing I skated on was my intellect.
Since I couldn’t rely on my looks to get me girls, I had to master the art of communication. Here’s what I’ve learnt.
You can stop feeling scared to talk to girls by working on your communication skills, building confidence, practicing like a mad man, and developing a more astute understanding of how to perceive women.
That last particular point is probably the most overlooked and underrated approach to breaking your fear of talking to girls.
Since my teens, I have had huge success dating and have completely conquered my fears of talking to girls.
At first, it was quite difficult. But, with practice and consistency, I got so much better.
The turning point for me was discovering how rejection or poor attempts really didn’t diminish me of anything.
Even the initial disappointment meant little to nothing in the grand scheme of things.
Part of this can be attributed to my realization that I am not defined by the success or failure of any singular facet of life. Additionally, the joy of actually tasting success trumps any amount of failure or rejection from a girl.
If you can adopt the techniques mentioned in this article for any significant amount of time, your chances of overcoming this fear of talking to girls will skyrocket like never before.
Consider that a personal guarantee.
With that being said, let’s go through these tips on how to stop feeling scared to talk to girls.
1. Build emotional control
Emotional control is like a muscle. When your emotions push you to act in a specific way, you develop emotional control by not acting on those feelings.
When you are able to disassociate your actions from your feelings, that’s when you can gain complete control over yourself in fearful situations.
In essence, it’s not about avoiding fear but having control of yourself in spite of fear.
Think about this for a second, every feeling creates two choices. One that feeds the feeling and one that diminishes the feeling.
- If you are afraid, what are you going to choose- courage or cowardice?
- When you are sad, what are you going to choose – patience or impulsivity?
- When you are unhappy, what are you going to choose – graciousness or ungratefulness?
Everything we feel is preceded by two different character traits that are at your disposal.
The only way in which you can make the right choice or answer the call of fear correctly is to adjust your mindset.
When you value growth more than anything, that’s when you choose a different call to action when you are challenged with fear.
2. Practice like crazy
Do you have any idea how many talented people go their entire lives without realizing their potential?
Astronomically more than those who do.
It’s so easy to make the excuse that you aren’t talented at something. Hence, your poor results or lack of trying.
But talented people are in the same boat as you are. So what’s common between you and them?
Practice comes with an unspoken expectation to work hard. You will never find one without the other.
There is a difference between an attempt and practice. An attempt is singular whereas practice requires more than one attempt.
Anything that requires you to do something difficult over a number of different attempts is the ultimate form of hard work.
So if you can find it in yourself to practice communication and approaching women, it’s highly probable that you will improve drastically.
The hard work portion of this practice isn’t the rejection, it’s willing to try again.
Practice hard. That’s the recipe for success.
To sum it up – your level of improvement is proportional to how much you practice.
Here’s what you can do – prepare yourself before approaching girls. Rehearse a conversation and use that as your default approach. When you develop more experience, then you can converse more freely and openly.
3. Talk to everyone casually
I consider this the beginning and pivotal step to practice.
It’s easy for me to say, go practice talking to women until you master it. But, that’s unreasonable.
If I threw you into the deep end of a pool, sure you may learn to swim but you may also drown.
As effective as a tool it may be, why take the hardest approach to something which could be fun and enjoyable?
When I was trying to overcome my shyness, I took a simpler and easier approach.
I spoke to strangers in general.
People greet each other all the time. Instead of just saying Hi or Hello, try this – Hey, how are you?
Now you’ve created a dialogue!
At first, it was making more idle conversation with a cashier or teller. This went on for a while until I could reach a point of being my funny and charming self with them.
Thereafter, I started greeting strangers. I’d go up to someone and ask for directions to a place (even if I knew exactly where I was headed).
Greetings turned into chatter which evolved into full on conversations.
By now, I was far more accustomed to talking with women in general. All I did was remove the romantic expectation from my objective.
My objective was just to speak to someone new and the second we interacted, I accomplished my objective.
Eventually, I reached a stage of comfort and bravery that allowed me to navigate normal conversations into a flirty one.
Take baby steps if you must. There’s nothing wrong with starting from the ground up.
4. Build confidence
I’m not going to waste your time explaining why you need to be confident because you probably already know why.
In fact, most people who are scared to talk to girls often vocalize their desire to be confident so they don’t have to feel so afraid.
Here’s the thing they may not realize – confidence doesn’t negate fear.
But what it can do is mobilize you in the face of paralyzing fear.
So rather than freeze up and do nothing, you’ll actually try.
And that is crucial in life. Making an attempt sets you apart from those who continue to be controlled by fear.
Essentially, the first and most crucial step of overcoming the fear of talking to girls or women is to just try.
Once you can try, then it becomes a question of how often are you willing to try.
To master something, a single attempt isn’t going to cut it. We’ve already established that.
What you need to know is that to try, you don’t need to be good or confident.
But if you are willing to try 100 times, now that’s going to make a huge difference. I’m more than certain that by the time you reach 100 attempts, you will be insanely better than you were during the first few.
So now we’re actually establishing the importance of practice.
That’s how you build confidence.
Not just by success but by witnessing yourself gain an understanding of something challenging.
When your efforts start to reap some form of reward, that’s when confidence starts to build.
During the first few months of starting this website, I had barely more than a handful of people reading it.
I wasn’t confident in my ability to write content that helps people improve themselves and their relationships.
And yet I stuck with it.
Can you imagine the doubt I faced writing atleast a hundred of these articles in those months without winning or getting any results to build my confidence?
Now the effort has paid off with some growth.
But, I already put in the work for long enough to witness myself get better at researching, writing and marketing.
In essence, my confidence is only reaffirmed by the result of getting more readers.
In actuality, the work itself made me more confident. Take away this blog and I’ll know in my heart that I can research and write helpful articles.
For you to build confidence in speaking to women, practice regularly. Aside from that, make an effort to improve yourself physically, mentally and spiritually.
All of these actions will accumulate and contribute to your self worth.
In terms of physicality, don’t avoid women you’re afraid to talk to. Walk straight, chin up and make your body language dictate that you are approachable and open to conversation. (This is what my partner wanted to share with you guys from a females perspective and I totally agree with it).
Nobody really makes an effort with someone who avoids eye contact and walks with their head down.
5. Stop putting women on a pedestal
Here’s a little paradigm shift for you – women aren’t all that you have made them out to be.
Don’t get me wrong, they’re amazing. Women are strong, intelligent, beautiful and so on. But they’re human beings. Just like you.
They have flaws. They face trials and tribulations. Insecurity and self-doubt trouble them as much as it does you.
Women are not perfect beings nor are they beautiful hand bags.
You must redefine the idea of a woman. They are everything you are as a human being.
Here’s the beautiful thing about being human, our ideas are based on perception.
The stunning young beautiful woman before you today is just a plain jane to some other guy.
That doesn’t devalue her beauty in any way other than share one ultimate truth – beauty is held in the eye of the beholder.
So if this is your perception of her – why are you allowing it to dictate the way you act?
Instead of fearing what you perceive as beautiful, why not go towards it? Is it because you have made it unattainable in your own mind?
Have you ever considered the possibility that you are doing women a disservice by treating them unequally?
Take a look at some of the women you find beautiful in public, make a note of their partners. You’ll be surprised to see how ‘average’ looking some of the guys are.
Then your first thought is, he must be rich. So now you’ve painted the women you find beautiful with a stereotype.
Your brain is eventually going to associate beautiful women with superficiality or goal-digging. Down the line, you’re going to turn bitter and resentful when that way of thinking blows up in your face.
What you could have entertained was the possibility that beautiful women have a hard time dating because most men are too afraid to approach them other than those who are confident or unfortunately, arrogant.
So to her, she’s dating the cream of the crop.
That so called average man had the courage to approach and talk to her as if she was an attainable partner. You didn’t. Why? Because you think she’s way too good for that.
When in reality, she’s like anyone else – seeking connection and authentic experiences.
You don’t have to feel scared to talk to girls…
If you reduce your expectations.
That’s what creates anxiety and huge disappointment in failure.
When you realign your idea of success in this situation, things change drastically.
Even if the goal remains the same, to get a girl’s number or ask her out on a date, redefine the bare minimum criteria for success.
For me, it was simply being able to go up to a girl and start a conversation.
At that point, I’ve succeeded because I did not allow fear, nerves, anxiety, insecurity or doubt prevent me from taking action.
Practice what I have shared with you in this article on how to not feel scared to talk to girls and I promise you it will work.
Nobody can eliminate fear altogether but you can eliminate the control it has over you. At which point, you’ll actually do things the majority of men can’t.
Trust me, I’ve been through the whole issue with being scared to talk to girls. But it hasn’t stopped me from doing it. And I have no regrets from trying. The only regret I have is not trying sooner.
Had I not tried at all, I wouldn’t have had relationships before let alone the beautiful relationship I have now.
Look out for my next article on the do’s and don’ts of conversations with the opposite sex.
With that being said, I hope you found this article to be of some help to you. Feel free to share your comments below.
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