The Reasons Why Self-Esteem Is Important For Relationships

You’ll quickly learn the reasons why self-esteem is important for relationships when you don’t have it.

When my self-esteem was at it’s lowest, my relationships were horrible. I felt like my voice didn’t matter or that what I had to say was worthless. Having boundaries, let alone expressing them, felt like an impossibility.

Unfortunately, people took advantage of this weakness. They were dismissive, rude, inconsiderate, unapologetic, fiercely critical, and cruel. I’ve come to learn that people will do all sorts of things if you allow them to, even people who love you.

Most people have to respect you and fear the existence of consequences for them to avoid crossing most boundaries.

All of these issues make you feel hopeless and helpless when your self-esteem is nonexistent. Conversely, you gain influence over your relationships when self-esteem is present. Let’s explore the importance of self-esteem and how it affects relationships.

I’d also like to share my blueprint for how to build self-esteem that positively influences all types of relationships.

What Is Self-Esteem?

Self-esteem is defined as a general sense of personal value and worth. Moreover, it is often described as the measurement of how much you like, value, appreciate, respect, and cherish yourself. Self-esteem is grounded in one’s ability and competency at various things in life.

Self-judgment occurs when someone thinks of themselves. Depending on their self-worth, this judgment can either be positive, neutral, or negative.

A higher self-esteem signals a greater appreciation of oneself, and a lower self-esteem signals a greater dissatisfaction with oneself.

Put simply, self-esteem is a fancy word that encapsulates the relationship we have with ourselves based on measurements and comparisons.

The following factors are regarded as influential on the development or destruction of self-esteem:

• Physical appearance
• Age
• Competency
• Community
• Life experiences
• Comparisons
• Social standing
• Genetics
• Thoughts
• General health
• The behavior of others towards us
• Achivements
• Childhood upbringing

Related article: 10 Ways to cope with self doubt in a relationship

How Self-Esteem Affects Relationships

I touched on this during the introduction to this article on how low self-esteem affected my relationships, but I’d like to discuss this further.

All romantic relationships depend on three things:

1. Attraction
2. Respect
3. Trust

Like a tripod, you need all three legs for stability. Remove or damage just one of the legs, and it can no longer stand, let alone hold any weight.

Let’s talk about how self-esteem affects these three attributes of every relationship.

1. Attraction

Someone who has high self-esteem encapsulates an energy of self-acceptance. This translates into behavior that is confident, bold, authentic, and sincere.

These traits are highly attractive to both men and women.

The form of attraction that we are talking about is skin-deep. It’s about who you are as a person, how you conduct yourself, and the way you think.

So, if you want to be highly attractive to other people, you need good self-esteem. People who lack self-esteem often shy away from self-expression. In trying to hide, their insecurities, fears, and anxieties are highlighted.

It’s an unfair depiction of someone who is probably a wonderful person, but that is what low self-esteem does.

Unfortunately, they come across as less attractive because of it.

2. Respect

When it comes to respect, at first glance, we measure the presentation and performance of a person to determine how much they respect themselves.

As humans, we are creatures of habit, projection, and social validation.

In other words, we tend to measure our thoughts, opinions, feelings, and actions against what we see in the world for approval.

If someone respects themselves, it often validates our desire to respect them.

You could never elicit respect in a relationship if you didn’t believe that your presence and role were valuable.

Without the perception of value, it’s impossible for someone to express their needs, vocalize their boundaries, and share their preferences.

People will never respect you when you have an obvious lack of self-respect.

What could have been a relationship of depth and desire turns into a one-sided show favoring the individual who has more self-esteem.

3. Trust

Lastly, self-esteem usually affirms confidence. Not just in expression of oneself but in the seriousness of one’s word or commitment.

Someone who places a great degree of value on their word often expects reciprocity.

When people can see that you are a person who acts with honor and expects it in return, they’re more likely to be trustworthy towards you.

This is especially true if they do not doubt your ability to apply consequences to broken promises.

In the same breath, I’d like to point out that if you can’t trust yourself, the part of us that instinctually projects tends to be suspicious of other people.

It’s hard to trust someone in a relationship when you have no trust in your own worth or ability to commit.

Relationships fall apart when people with low self-esteem project their insecurities, trust issues, and suspicion onto their partner’s.

Here’s Why Self-Esteem Is Important

1. Elite communication

Relationships thrive when two people have the confidence, understanding, and skills to express their feelings and thoughts to each other without unnecessary judgement, fear, or insecurity. This stems from feeling secure in oneself and placing a great degree of value on your voice.

If you’re not arrogant or narcissistic, this value of vocalizing your thoughts and feelings is projected onto your partner.

What this means is that you are capable and encouraging of conversations that could help both of you feel heard and understood.

2. Expressing healthy boundaries

Every relationship that has the best chance to succeed includes boundaries. When two people live lawlessly while trying to preserve and nurture a monogamous relationship, it leads to chaos and eventual destruction.

When you have self-esteem, there isn’t much fear or guilt associated with expressing a boundary.

Oftentimes, people who battle with self-esteem issues grapple with their right to express their discomfort over specific things in a relationship.

All this does is manifest stress, disconnection, resentment, and insecurity. I challenge you to present one person in this world who is highly successful, happy, and good but who doesn’t have discipline or boundaries in their life.

I can’t think of anyone.

That’s how important boundaries are in life.

Check out this article on how to set healthy boundaries in your relationships.

3. Resolving conflict

It’s easier to approach conflict without feeling attacked or threatened by differing opinions when you have a positive self-image.

A lot of times, low self-esteem presents itself as sensitivity.

Then, when the sensitive person feels critiqued, they react completely emotionally.

Stonewalling with anger, breaking down into tears, or caving into the opposing view are the most common reactions, which don’t actually help the situation or cultivate healthy conflict resolution skills.

In the end, the relationship suffers from resentment due to both parties being unable to adequately express their views and feelings.

4. Being vulnerable

When examining truly beautiful relationships, there’s a great degree of vulnerability shared between the couple.

A healthy self-esteem doesn’t automatically amount to a lack of insecurities, fears, and weaknesses.

One could argue it is acceptance of these things and the willingness to comfortably own who you are, especially within a relationship.

Those who are able to share those parts of themselves and trust in their partner channel their self-esteem to do so. They believe that they are deserving of love, even with the existence and expression of their flaws and weaknesses.

When you can be vulnerable to your partner and it is met with acceptance and love, it unlocks a sense of closeness and trust unlike anything else.

Related article: What makes a man open up to a woman

5. The ability to compromise

When people have healthy self-esteem, compromise doesn’t make them feel disempowered or inferior.

Their decisions are not fueled by fear of abandonment or judgment, which allows them to prioritize long-term happiness and their ultimate goals over immediate or urgent emotions.

6. Independence

A common issue with couples who have identity issues is that they struggle to maintain their independence as individuals while integrating themselves into a relationship.

I don’t believe that we ought to be one or the other. People can be both independent and co-dependent under different circumstances.

It’s timing and appropriateness that determine whether this dichotomy results in a healthy or unhealthy outcome.

People with good self-esteem are able to manage their dependence within a relationship with their independence as an individual with their own identity.

In doing so, they can derive happiness outside of the relationship. When you don’t place the burden of core happiness on a relationship, it has space to breathe and grow into something more powerful and long-lasting.

There’s room for sadness, hard times, and disagreements without the fear of loss or dissolution of the relationship when it isn’t burdened with being the only source of your happiness.

7. It fosters more support

Have you ever noticed how some couples break up because of internal competition?

It’s a common trope with women who are highly successful. Their success becomes a threat to their relationship because their partner feels inadequate as a man.

This happens because of low self-esteem.

Men who have a strong sense of being, a mission, and a healthy belief in themselves don’t only define their value in one way.

So, when his partner becomes more successful with him in a specific facet of life, rather than reacting fearfully, he celebrates her win and motivates her further.

Similarly, if a woman isn’t threatened by her own success, she’d know how to present her success without shifting the balance of masculine energy unfavorably.

In short, people who truly respect and love themselves are not threatened by other people’s wins and strengths.

8. Less jealousy

Self-esteem provides emotional security.

Under normal circumstances with reasonable boundaries, people with a good sense of self-esteem are not going to be overwhelmed by feelings of jealousy at every turn.

At the same time, when they do feel jealous, it is met with a mature response that examines whether there’s merit in feeling that way, along with a healthy approach to dealing with it.

You’re always going to feel jealousy when it is perceived that someone you truly love could be poached or taken away from you.

It’s normal and healthy to feel that way.

A healthy self-esteem helps you decipher whether there’s actually something to be worried about or not. 

It also helps you decide whether a boundary needs to be enforced or not. 

These are crucial for relationships to succeed long-term.

Those who struggle with insecurities tend to have many jealous outbursts. Not only does this cause them to feel stressed and afraid, but it also creates trust issues. The jealous one becomes more suspicious, and the accused partner feels attacked and judged poorly.

Related article: How to stop being jealous once and for all

How To Build Your Self-Esteem

You’re going to find a lot of advice about improving yourself physically, speaking kindly to yourself, journaling your thoughts, challenging your critical beliefs, and repeating affirmations every day.

All of these activities will have a wonderful effect on your self-esteem, and I highly recommend them.

But ultimately, self-esteem comes down to the relationship you have with yourself.

Are you honest and committed to yourself?

Let me unpack that question. Can you trust your opinion if there’s no commitment and consistency behind your behavior?

No.

Every single time you make a promise to yourself and break it, you’re sending a message to your subconscious mind that you are untrustworthy and that you are not valuable enough to make sacrifices for your own well-being.

This is why it is imperative that you dedicate yourself to extreme honesty and commitment to yourself.

When you decide to do something for your well-being, commit to it. Commitment requires sacrifice, effort, and honesty.

You’ll be tested, and that’s when you have to keep your promises.

Doing so proves your commitment, and that will build self-belief.

If you can do this daily, even through failures, you’ll develop healthy self-esteem over time.

That brings us to the end of this article on reasons why self-esteem is important for relationships. I hope you found it useful. If you did, please scroll up and subscribe to my email newsletter for more articles like this.