My Boyfriend Doesn’t Work And I Pay For Everything!

What does it mean if my boyfriend doesn’t work and I pay for everything? That’s a question becoming more popular in this day and age. Throughout history, the nature of men has been to provide, protect and conquer. Even though times have changed, there are certain merits and benefits to men filling age-old roles. Be that as it may, is it a problem if your boyfriend doesn’t work and you pay for everything?

Yes, it is a problem because laziness, complacency and one-sided effort never translate into a healthy, loving and happy relationship. If anything, it results in a woman getting used, discarded and overlooked. Entering a relationship without the intention to give but to primarily get something out of it is a recipe for disaster.

Sure, we all are driven by our wants but when it comes to love, it is one of those emotions that are fulfilled by being of service to others and by sharing.

When a man enters a relationship and has nothing to give, it poses a big problem. 

I’m not saying that a man can only contribute financially to a relationship. But, when has a man thrived by surrendering himself to mediocrity and laziness?

There’s a growing movement for equal responsibilities in relationships. On paper, it sounds great. In reality, it may not translate as seamlessly or idealistically as we’d like.

Recently, I had a debate with a man who holds the position of someone who wants a partner who will provide equally to the relationship in terms of financial responsibility.

His reasoning is sound and some of the arguments he made about how tough life is cannot be overlooked.

It is true that marriage is costly and building a life can require a lot more money now than it ever did before, especially if you are living in a country with an economy that is suffering.

But, the issue isn’t with the logical arguments. 

Where we diverge and the issue that arose is with the mindset.

Off the bat, his expectation is built on the acceptance that he cannot and probably never will be able to provide completely for a partner, let alone his family.

Has he tried?

Not necessarily.

Has he been trying for decades?

Absolutely not, he’s a young man.

So, he has no evidence that the cards are actually stacked against him. His view is based on the manner in which he perceives the world, money and his own capabilities.

At one point in my life, I maintained the same view but at the same time, it was a time in my life when I lacked discipline, I was afraid of hard work and I’d limited myself due to laziness and cowardice.

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Men Who Don’t Try To Work Are Lazy Or Afraid

“Great goals can never live in a coward’s heart.”

During the debate, when pressed about what he wants from a partner, a list of emotional, mental and physical needs was presented and they were extensive.

It felt unfair to me because everything he wanted required his partner to completely fulfill her feminine role in the relationship and 50% of the masculine role in the relationship.

That doesn’t seem like a fair trade to me.

Now, this article isn’t to disparage or degrade someone in any way. As I’ve said, this is a view that I once held as well.

We live in a time when ideas like this are promoted without a rigid assessment of whether it’s fair and fulfilling in real life.

• I wouldn’t want to be with someone who just accepted defeat from the beginning. 
• I wouldn’t want to be with someone who isn’t courageous enough to try and exceed their own expectations. 
• I wouldn’t want to be with someone whose prerogative is to receive an abundance from a partner instead of entering a relationship with the intention to give abundantly.

If I did, the result would be the same.

I’d be in a relationship with someone who fails to apply themselves to self-development, who fails to grow with me and who fails to adopt a healthy mindset in life.

Eventually, I would be the one shouldering most of the responsibilities in the relationship and feelings of resentment would overwhelm my desire and happiness because I’d feel unloved and unappreciated.

Lazy boyfriends make lazy husbands.

Not much changes.

There’s this misconception that marriage will make a man out of a boy but that is not necessarily true.

We have a divorce rate that’s close to 50% and I’m sure to some degree, laziness and a weak mindset between partners can be attributed to the dissolution of these marriages.

Don’t get me wrong, even abusive men are weak.

A sign of strength isn’t a lack of emotions or resistance. If anything, a weak man is a victim of his own emotions. His actions are driven by whatever he feels and that is dangerous.

True strength is being able to shoulder responsibility in spite of how one feels.

It is the ability to rise to the occasion even when you feel weak.

That’s the hallmark of a real man who would make a good partner.

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Hold Your Boyfriend To A Higher Standard By Having Boundaries

This is when it becomes incredibly important to have boundaries that you express clearly and unequivocally.

Just being unhappy with the fact that your boyfriend doesn’t work and you pay for everything isn’t good enough.

You need to express that dissatisfaction with a clear boundary on what you need from him in order to remain happy in the relationship.

Do not encourage laziness and mediocrity by enabling his behavior. 

You should not be funding a man to live like a child. 

That is not your responsibility as a partner. 

There’s an extreme difference between supporting or providing for your partner through hardship and enabling mediocrity and laziness.

Your man has to have a plan for his life. He needs to lead the relationship towards better times and stronger values.

It may not seem like such a big deal right now but if this man is to become the father of your kids, what kind of path is he going to show them?

To effect change and lessons in the minds of children, we must lead through action and not just words. 

When our intentions, words and actions align, only then do we lead ourselves and others to be better. 

Hold your man accountable to a higher standard because you deserve someone of a higher standard. 

In my opinion, I would rather have someone who holds me to a higher standard than someone who enables my poor behavior. 

Love has to be tough sometimes. It has to challenge us to do difficult things for the sake of ourselves and the people we value. 

I’ve seen couples “support” each other into oblivion. 

Is that a loving thing to do? 

I don’t think so.

Granted, there’s a time and place for hard conversations. You don’t have to be insulting, rude or disrespectful in your delivery of important messages. 

But, you have to be honest with your boyfriend. 

You should be able to express your concerns to him. 

I would much rather be told that my behavior is concerning and threatening my relationship so that I can assess things clearly than be blindsided by a breakup. 

Because this is where you are headed if nothing changes. 

The fact that you are on this website reading this article is evidence that you are bothered by this situation and you’re feeling some degree of fear and resentment.

I’m willing to bet that even if you were earning more than enough to take care of all expenses, you would still be feeling this way.

The reason for this is that as a woman, you need to feel safe in order to open up emotionally.

Your boyfriend is behaving in a manner that makes you doubt his ability to make you feel safe in the relationship.

Perhaps, the situation itself is just making you feel afraid. 

Don’t try to deny these feelings. 

Instead, have a conversation with him and express your feelings. 

I’m sure that you don’t want to pressurize him further but for the sake of your happiness and the relationship, it’s best that you talk to him about it. 

If he is the type of man who genuinely cares about you and doesn’t have a defeatist mindset, he may get stressed out but it will light a fire within him.

He’ll channel this into motivation and inspiration to figure out a way to get back on his grind and to contribute to the relationship.

Remind him of what the two of you are working towards, the dream life you can have and what the future could hold.

Paint that picture for him again.

Sometimes, when we feel defeated, we need loved ones to remind us of what we originally intended to achieve.

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Find Ways To Make Your Boyfriend Contribute To The Relationship

Let’s say that you are okay with paying for everything if your boyfriend doesn’t work. What you need is to find ways in which he can provide for you.

Whether it’s fixing things around the home to even dropping you to and from work, have him contribute to the relationship in some way.

On one hand, he may actually feel good to be needed.

Perhaps, he may be feeling threatened and upset over the fact that he doesn’t work and you pay for everything.

Even though you’re taking care of the bills, he may start feeling resentful over the fact that you don’t need him.

So, having him provide for you in some way may empower him.

While you’re at it, make sure it’s something that makes you feel loved and cared for. 

This ensures that you feel safe with him, pampered and trusting of his capabilities.

When you lose respect for a man, that’s when your heart starts to exit the relationship.

Try to prevent this from happening by creating opportunities for him to nurture respect within you if he can’t or doesn’t work.

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Final Thoughts

Just like we have seasons every single year, so do relationships.

Perhaps, this is the season of challenge and growth for both of you. What will you do when faced with a problem that threatens the longevity of your relationship?

Challenges and tests are opportunities for people to grow with each other.

As long as you have a positive outlook and he has a positive outlook, things can be worked out.

He may be going through a season of struggle but it doesn’t mean that he won’t get through it. I applaud you for supporting and sticking by your partner’s side through his hardship. You’re amazing for that and you are a keeper.

If he is the kind of man that deserves you, I’m certain that he will recognize this and it will inspire him to work hard at entering the next season of his financial life.

With that being said, I hope you found this article on why to do if your boyfriend doesn’t work and you pay for everything to be insightful and helpful. If you would like my help, please feel free to check out my services page for more information on how to get my email coaching package.