You cheated on your husband and he wants to leave but you don’t want to lose him. I get it. I don’t want to beat a dead horse by explaining how devastating infidelity is, but it’s probably one of the worst things you could do in a marriage.
It results in the utter destruction of trust and the image of the cheater.
Neither can be restored to what it once was.
That’s something we need to understand early on, even if it’s devastating for us to acknowledge.
What you had with your husband is over. You can never get that back.
Following the discovery of infidelity, every couple goes through a grieving process over the relationship they once had.
The betrayed spouse will grieve the relationship, the life they had, the future they dreamed of, and their perception of the unfaithful spouse.
That’s not to suggest that all hope is lost.
Because, it isn’t.
Circumstances surrounding the cheating can have a significant influence on whether your relationship can survive the death of what it once was.
What’s left may be just enough to rebuild on, or it may not.
You need to read this article: What is considered cheating in a relationship?
Be Completely Honest With Your Husband Now.
One thing is for certain, the only chance you have of even remotely winning him back is by giving him complete honesty before he leaves.
You can spare him some graphic details if he doesn’t ask about it. But, you have to open up about when it began, how long it was going on for, the extent of your infidelity, and why it happened.
Lying to him or gaslighting him will be viewed as nothing more than cruel.
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What you don’t want to do is make yourself the victim.
Understandably, when we are backed into a corner and we are to blame, our instinct is to fight, flee, or freeze.
The things you say during this time will matter, and if you handle this situation even more immaturely or selfishly, he will remember that.
The path that follows will be the same whether he leaves or stays.
Everything that I am about to share with you should guide the steps you take, even if there’s zero chance of saving your marriage.
The last thing you want to do is trickle-truth him because you’re afraid that he will leave altogether or because you’re afraid of hurting him more.
That’s the worst thing you can do.
I’ll tell you why.
If he doesn’t decide to leave or if he comes back and then you decide to drop more information on him, it will literally feel like he’s being betrayed all over again.
This will only perpetuate the idea that he will never get the truth from you and he’ll constantly be questioning the story.
You need to read this article: How being cheated on changes you.
End All Communication With The Affair Partner.
I feel like I’m getting ahead of myself because there’s one more prerequisite to all of this.
You have to end things with your affair partner and have absolutely nothing to do with him.
It’s as simple as that.
If that means you have to quit your job because your affair partner was someone you worked with, then that is what you have to do.
There’s absolutely no way that your marriage can or will be saved if you continue to have anything to do with your affair partner.
I know that a lot of women have an issue with the idea of giving up their job over something like this.
But, if we make a selfish decision to cheat on our marriages, then we have to make a selfless decision to save our marriages.
All of this involves taking a big risk.
There’s absolutely no guarantee that your husband will come back or even stay with you despite all these changes.
That’s just the nature of the situation.
I’ve spent countless months on infidelity forums, subreddits, and groups reading through hundreds of stories and accounts of couples dealing with infidelity.
None of them survived without making certain big decisions or sacrifices.
The cheater had to be the one to initiate 100% of these changes to prove their commitment towards growing and saving the marriage.
Any less than that, and things never worked out.
End all contact with the other person regardless of anything or else you have no chance of truly saving your marriage.
Don’t Blame Your Spouse For Why You Cheated.
The truth is that there are countless people in marriages right now who could cheat for a variety of reasons but choose not to.
Why?
Because they understand that cheating is a betrayal of who they are as a person, not just a betrayal of their spouse.
For them, their integrity and character do not permit the idea of cheating.
You will enrage your husband, create a greater gap between the two of you, and paint yourself into a corner of immaturity and a lack of self awareness.
Instead of looking for reasons to shift the blame onto your spouse, even if they are a contributing factor, you would be better served to focus on why you allowed yourself to cheat.
Figure out the reasons why you betrayed yourself and the person that you were.
If, unfortunately, you are someone who always dealt with integrity issues, explore the reasons for that along with ways in which you can take ownership and responsibility for your actions.
Be Proactive In Seeking Help.
You need to understand that your word means nothing to your husband anymore.
Trust has been broken.
If it were a single incident that happened under some form of intoxicant and you confessed to your husband the next day, all trust may not be lost.
However, there is no way that he will believe what you have to say if lies, deceit, and/or manipulation were used, at least not for now.
He will still question the idea that you are being dishonest or holding back some information from him, even if you show him your receipts and evidence that you are being entirely truthful now.
So, words alone won’t fix much.
To give yourself the best chance of reestablishing trust, you must act sincerely.
This is why I began this article by explaining the importance of being forthcoming with your husband and cutting off the other person completely.
Now you need to show your husband that you are genuinely invested in addressing what happened on a serious and deeper level.
This is when therapy becomes instrumental.
It’s not just about persuading your husband to try couple’s counseling to save the marriage.
You need to pursue individual counseling to figure out why this happened and what you can do to build integrity again.
What I’ve noticed is that people who are truly remorseful tend to face shame because they are so committed to changing.
Someone who is still resistant to change and unwilling to own up to their character flaws will continue to run from the image that is associated with their behavior.
They will evade responsibility for their problems by desperately looking for justifications while making empty promises.
Internally, they aren’t ready to change, nor have they reached a genuine state of remorse.
The interesting thing about remorse is that it’s the only feeling that helps you understand the pain you have caused another person.
It’s the one emotion that will truly help you understand and connect with your husband.
Believe me when I tell you that the spouse who has been betrayed feels completely alone in their suffering and pain.
You need to read this article: Learn how couple counseling can help with affair recovery.
Be Caring By Giving Him What He Needs.
What you must understand is that your husband’s world has essentially been turned upside down.
He has no idea what to believe anymore.
His perception of reality is messed up.
You’ll notice that his emotions will swing between feeling betrayed and even loving you.
We see this all the time.
Infidelity is a traumatic event, and sometimes couples tend to trauma bond with each other.
Trauma bonding is renowned for being chaotic and unpredictable, ranging from being intimate with you to completely pushing you away.
You have to be prepared for what’s to follow.
Perhaps he will not want to touch you or look at you at all.
There’s no saying how he will handle the emotions that stem from trauma.
Sometimes, he may want all the details again, and other times, he’ll want nothing to do with it.
If you are trying to hold onto your marriage and work through what has happened, you have to be prepared for the tumultuous nature of healing from infidelity.
If he wants to leave, by all means, let him know that you love him and want him to stay. But, ultimately, you can’t force him to stay.
Perhaps, he needs some time away from the situation to think.
Check up on him, be supportive, and offer him comfort. He may not want it at all, but if it’s something you want to give, do it.
At this point, you need to let your heart guide you to do what’s right.
Final Thoughts
The last thing that I want to do is ostracize someone. I don’t think you set out to intentionally hurt your husband but you did prioritize your own desires over his feelings and you have an issue with integrity.
Both of these are true, even if it is difficult to accept.
In saying that, I do not believe that you are too far gone or that you can’t do everything in your power to change.
Even if your husband decides to leave and divorce you, it is still honorable and undeniable that you should do everything in your power to fix your character flaws and to have mechanisms in place to prevent yourself from ever cheating again.
If your husband decides to come back or he wants to work on the relationship, you have to commit yourself like never before.
He will test you and that’s okay.
You will have to be the one to initiate things and you will have to discuss uncomfortable truths until he is ready to move forward.
Your life will be a mess for a long time but if you put in the work to change, I promise you, things will improve.
Be supportive, be committed, show your remorse, start working on yourself and make amends in every way you can.
The road back can be devastating but you won’t regret working towards doing what’s right.
That brings us to the end of this article on what to do if you cheated on your husband and he wants to leave. If you would like to contact me for help directly, please visit my services page for more information on my email coaching package.