How To Get The Guy You Want (12 Incredible Tips)

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Are you sick and tired of having to settle for guys that you’re not all that into? Does it feel like you keep attracting toxic and vile guys into your life? If so, then I have advice that I guarantee will solve these problems and help you to finally understand how to get the guy you want. 

What we must understand early on is that our attraction is often influenced by the relationships or lack thereof with our parents as well as the closest people in our lives.

Additionally, the exposure of media tends to cultivate certain ideas and expectations within our subconscious that may not be ideal in real life.

If you really analyze what we are brainwashed into believing, it’s that you can fix a bad guy. So many shows and movies romanticize toxic relationships and immoral men that women start to feel an attraction towards these men in real life.

The problem is that the elements you’re attracted to such as confidence, stoicism, drive, ambition and leadership are traits in men that are easily confused with possessiveness, overbearing control, lack of care, selfishness and immorality. 

So, the very first and most important step in learning how to get the guy you want is to separate these two types of men.

Expose yourself to real men who possess those positive and attractive traits while breaking free from the romanticized version of toxic men that you know of from shows, movies and romance novels.

Thereafter, you need to address any childhood issues pertaining to your parents or their relationship.

Either being exposed to an unhealthy marriage by your parents or a lack of one can actually create an unhealthy idea of what you assume is normal and healthy when it isn’t. 

I’m really excited to be sharing some practical advice on how to accomplish all of this immediately below. Let’s not waste any time and get into the meat of this article on how to get the guy you want. 

Related post: How do I tell if he loves me?

1. Become the type of person you want to attract

It’s very important to be honest with ourselves when it comes to matters of this nature because it can help us to make the adjustments needed to attract better relationships.

Like attracts like.

That’s what I’ve noticed in romantic relationships.

If you’re someone who is lazy, unhealthy, demotivated, unfit, poor at communication, selfish, rude and so forth, then you’re going to get and only keep relationships with people who are the same.

Certain attributes repel the opposite attributes.

Don’t be fooled into believing that opposites attract always.

That’s not the case and certainly not for important character traits.

For this reason, I think it’s imperative that you take a good hard look at yourself and decide whether you’re the right kind of person for the kind of guy you want.

Nobody is saying that you must change yourself just for a man.

But, aren’t we all in a constant state of change?

You’re either getting better or you’re getting worse.

You have a choice to get better in the areas that will attract a certain quality of man into your life. 

2. Build confidence and self love

Whenever I read about confidence, I find that surface level answers usually promote this concept of faking it until you believe it.

There is some merit to this approach.

To behave like you’re confident will often create some results that benefit your life.

In the acquisition of these results, you’ll learn to rely more on these confidence tricks until they become a part of you.

This mindset hack does work.

In sports, this idea is summarized into the following quote, “Train like you’re already a champion.

But, there’s another way to become more confident and I learned this from Ed Mylett who has a phenomenal podcast available online.

He says that to build confidence, you must keep the promises that you make to yourself. 

How often do we make a promise to eat healthier, to sleep earlier, to work harder, to try new things, to learn more or to behave with more self worth around people but then we break those promises at the first sign of temptations, laziness or problems?

Quite often!

When I look at the times in my life when I was most confident, they correlate to a time when I kept the promises I made to myself.

In doing so, I was also the fittest, healthiest, smartest and happiest I had been.

It was so easy to be confident around people because I believed in myself and what I had accomplished by simply keeping the promises I made to myself.

Going forward, keep the promises you make to yourself and I’m willing to bet that you will develop a greater sense of self love and confidence because they go hand in hand. 

Sometimes, this may require you to walk away from a guy who isn’t treating you well or to reject guys who are not what you’re looking for.

If you promise yourself to only entertain a certain standard of relationships in your life, then you need to hold yourself accountable for that and be prepared to do what’s necessary to have that.

It may be difficult to do at first but it’s something that will definitely make you more confident.

Most importantly, prioritizing higher standards in your life is a form of self love. 

Related post: 12 Dating tips for shy girls

3. Be aware of what you’re looking for (make a list)

If you rely solely on emotion and winging it, you can’t control the kind of people you end up with then.

As much as attraction is out of our control, it can be influenced by identifying the kind of guys you’re interested in focusing on and then carefully filtering out those who don’t belong in your circle.

By doing this, you’re giving yourself an opportunity to fall for a guy within that circle who fits a certain criteria. 

But, to do this, you need to know what you’re looking for.

A simple but effective technique that I promote on this site is to write down on a piece of paper or in your daily journal a list of traits you’re looking for in the guy you want. 

Be as detailed and elaborate as you like.

You may not find someone who ticks every single item on your list but that is perfectly fine. 

It’s just about rewiring your brain to focus more on a certain quality of guy by repeatedly reading this list time and time again.

Related post: 20 Qualities of a good man to marry

4. Get comfortable with being single to avoid settling

One of the reasons why both men and women end up with subpar partners and a ton of toxic relationships is because they are unable to be single.

What this indicates is a lack of happiness within oneself.

The desperate need for validation and affection is in keeping with the narrative that a lot of people are desperately looking to fill an inner void with relationships.

If you’re not happily single, then eventually, you won’t be happy in a relationship once the honeymoon period subsides.

Your state prior to a relationship is the very same state you will return to after the novelty of a new relationship wears off.

I’ve seen this happen with myself and many of my peers in real life.

An extreme example of this state is known as codependency.

Often, people who are codependent are incapable of being by themselves. They find comfort in painful, dependent, and toxic relationships.

At first, they yearn for a codependent relationship to feel validated and useful but within it, their life turns horrible and their happiness level depletes significantly. 

The only way to break free from this issue is to spend time by oneself until you reach a state of general happiness.

That’s not to say you won’t experience some degree of loneliness and yearning for companionship.

You will and that’s normal.

But, overall, you should be happy with yourself and living a fulfilling life, whatever that looks like for you. 

When you’re usually happily single, that’s when you’re going to meet someone who is similar. Good vibes usually attract good people.

Codependent vibes usually attract someone that will satisfy that energy.

For this reason, it’s imperative that you get into a state of self reliance and happiness to attract the guy you want. 

I think the biggest benefit of attempting to reach this state is that you will rarely behave in a desperate or clingy way around the guy you want.

This will prove to be highly attractive and appealing to him unlike the women who throw themselves at him.

Related post: How to cope with anxiety about being single

5. Deal with childhood issues

I don’t think I could possibly give you all the tools necessary for dealing with issues of this nature but it’s imperative that you seek out professional help to do so.

If you can’t pay for therapy, then seek out books on mindfulness, therapy and codependency that will provide you with certain strategies you can employ in your life to gradually reduce the effects of childhood trauma and issues.

I’ve heard wonderful things about EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy and it’s something you should look into.

Trust me when I tell you that I hate labeling people and generalizing. But, things like ‘Daddy Issues’ are a real factor in why a lot of women end up making poor choices in their love life. 

You have to go back to the source in your mind and deal with it to truly liberate yourself from all those events that keep you psychologically and emotionally chained to the past. 

Journaling is a wonderful way to transfer those thoughts you have onto paper and then challenge them. 

Meditation and mindfulness is effective in transitioning from a state of reactivity into a state of responding. 

The difference is subtle but so significant. 

Think about all the times you reacted so poorly or negatively to a situation and imagine being able to actually respond in a more thoughtful, calmer and stronger manner.

That’s what you can eventually work up to doing by simply meditating and being mindful on a daily basis.

It’s hard but it takes practice.

And you don’t wait to be good at something to practice.

On the contrary, you have to practice regularly to become good. 

6. Start pursuing hobbies and passions

One of the best ways to keep growing as a person is to invest time into your own well being.

So many people are addicted to the consumption of media but in reality, you’re not really living life. All you’re doing is watching other people create and experience new things.

This is why I strongly urge you to pursue some hobbies and passions on the side or on the weekend.

You’re going to have something that will challenge you and provide ongoing fun without any expectations from others.

Furthermore, it’s going to put you in different environments and around different people who have similar interests.

The chances of you meeting a guy you want while pursuing your hobbies and passions are actually quite promising.

Also, you’ll have more things to talk about and share with a guy by actually living a more wholesome life. 

Find something that you would like to practice or learn and make time every weekend for it. 

7. Improve your appearance

To some extent, men are visual creatures.

It’s not about looking like a magazine cover model. It’s just about presenting yourself in the best possible way that you can.

This includes taking care of your skin, hair and outfits. 

You’re not only going to attract more guys but you’re going to feel good about yourself for making an effort to take care of yourself.

Entice him with your appearance but lock him down with your personality and character. 

Related post: How to become the hottest version of yourself

8. Socialize with different groups of people

You’re not going to meet better guys if you’re surrounding yourself with the same circle of people forever.

I know that it’s uncomfortable to step out of your comfort zone and start socializing with new people but it can be quite fun.

Try to join different hobby clubs, attend more events, be friendly to people you meet in different locations and accept invitations that you may not ordinarily accept from people you’re not close to. 

At the very least, you’re going to improve your social skills and it may just seep into your professional life as well. 

9. Learn how to have meaningful conversations

As much as men are visual creatures, they’re not going to fall in love with your looks, at least not the kind of men you want to be with. 

A true and meaningful connection starts with a good conversation.

It requires both participants to have an input and to listen attentively.

Simple things like asking questions, providing non-harmful opinions and sharing your interests can go a long way in connecting with the guy you want. 

When people feel understood and heard, they develop feelings of fondness and closeness.

For this reason, I strongly encourage you to strike up more meaningful conversations with the guy you want. 

A great book on the topic is called How To Win Friends And Influence People. I strongly recommend it to anyone who wants to improve their communication skills. 

Related post: 100 First date questions to ask

10. Pre-qualify guys

To get the guy you want, you need to make space for him in your life. By this, I mean that you have to stop entertaining the wrong types of guys for an unnecessary amount of time.

You need to honestly assess whether a man is an ideal candidate for dating as you get to know him.

And if he isn’t, instead of trying to change him or settling, choose to let him go so that you can find the guy for you.

I’m not encouraging you to apply this principle to all good guys.

You want to apply this pre-qualification strategy broadly. 

This means that you should decide whether a guy is worth seeing by measuring whether he matches your short list of non-negotiable and important traits.

The last thing you want to do is disqualify a good guy just because he likes horror movies whereas you like romance movies. 

Related post: 15 Signs of a creepy guy

11. Don’t chase him all the time

Life is such that at times, you will encounter the guy you want who may even want you too. The problem is that far too many people get off centered and anxious during this period of courtship.

Instead of allowing the romance to be nurtured gradually over time, people tend to rush things by chasing after the person they want.

This is not exactly ideal.

Some degree of pursuit is always recommended but never to the point where you’re doing all of the work or you’re not getting anywhere with the person.

Yes, reach out to him, text him or call him but don’t be constantly running after him.

Some distance is profoundly helpful in creating feelings of desire and attraction.

By giving him space, it’s quite possible that he’ll start to miss you and cherish time spent with you a lot more. 

When you act from a space of power, you’ll avoid making yourself look weak and needy unnecessarily. 

Remember something, the right person will value you for the great woman that you are. 

If he’s the right guy for you, I don’t think you’ll find yourself desperately seeking out scraps of validation and affection!

Related post: How to give him space to miss you

12. Be a challenge

Building on the advice directly above, men like a challenge. 

We are designed by culture and nature to be competitive but also to value that which comes with hard work.

As they say in marketing and business, scarcity breeds desire and demand.

There’s no reason to throw yourself at him.

Give him the opportunity to court you properly and work for your love and commitment. 

I promise you that in time, this will hook him and make him want you too. 

The goal isn’t to play hard to get.

It’s just to slow down the pace at which you would ordinarily move things forward unless he already wants you as much as you do. 

In conclusion

Whenever I feel anxious about my future or experience fear about being with someone I really want, I tend to remind myself that this phase is as hard as it gets.

When I find and get the person I want, then I am beyond certain that it will be an emotionally thrilling and romantic time in my life.

And that’s something which eases a lot of anxiety and fear during the courtship phase.

You don’t have to take things so seriously at times and this can be a time for you to grow as a person.

As you grow, I’m willing to bet that you’re going to get the guy you want but he may not even be what you currently think is good enough for you.

He may turn out to be better than you ever thought.

With that being said, I hope you found this article on how to get the guy you want to be insightful, practical and eye-opening. If you have any questions or thoughts, please head over to the comment section below and let me know.

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