How To Get Closure After A Breakup (6 Ways I Tried)

I want to help you find solace by providing useful ways to get closure after a breakup.

Since most breakups blindside one party in the relationship, it’s natural to ruminate over this massive change in your life.

Sometimes, relationships end without answers. Your ex may “dump-and-ditch” you or disappear into the night without saying a word like a thoroughbred coward.

You’ll have questions that persist, no matter how many platitudes you hear.

You might get some answers from your ex if they are accessible and respectful. But should you count on that? I don’t think so. In fact, what you may experience, like I once did, is a sense of distrust, regardless of what your ex says.

Even worse, imagine the repercussions of seeking out closure from an ex who is narcissistic or manipulative!

Who knows what distasteful, untruthful, and deflective things they may say in an attempt to absolve themselves of feeling any guilt?

You might not trust what your ex says, and I believe this is a natural reaction to being dumped without warning or an opportunity to work on things. Trust is fragile like that, and it’s jarring when promises to communicate and persevere through ups and downs are met with sudden abandonment.

Because I feel like we can’t rely on an ex to give us closure, we have to find a better way to close the chapter and start afresh.

This is what you’ll learn to do from this article.

But I also know that most of us will want to have a conversation with our ex. That’s okay. I agree with the sentiment that we cannot live our lives fearing what other people may or may not do.

Related article: Hurt by someone you love? 8 ways to heal

How To Get Closure From Your Ex

Step 1: Contact them casually 

Start with a simple text, exchanging pleasantries and niceties.

This sets the conversation’s tone and disarms your ex, making them more malleable to communicate about the breakup.

If you’re seeing them in person, be pleasant and non-confrontational.

Step 2: Be honest about your intent to get closure

You can proceed with the conversation by thanking them for meeting you or replying and for the time that you both spent together.

Then, express your desire for closure and make the intention of the conversation clear without being confrontational.

Step 3: Ask your questions

Rather than expressing your feelings for closure right now, I think it’s better to ask the questions you have while both of you are still composed.

Sometimes, when we open up about the pain and hurt we feel, people react guardedly and defensively, warranted or not.

If that happens, we may not get anything out of them, which defeats the purpose of having a conversation for closure.

Step 4: Speak your truth

I don’t think we gain anything by shielding people from growth if there’s an awkward or difficult conversation to have.

Don’t belittle yourself or turn the situation ugly by lashing out or being insulting. But express how you feel.

It will be awkward, but at least you’ll walk away knowing that you honored yourself without compromising your dignity.

At the same time, people need to know when they’ve wronged us; how else are they supposed to learn and grow as well?

They say that we heal in front of people.

Perhaps this is how you can get closure and heal from a breakup.

Related article: How to accept rejection

How To Feel Better After A Relationship Ends

1. Surrender to the emotions

Whenever I think about the times I’ve suffered the most in life, there’s been a correlation between my avoidance of suffering and events of suffering.

Life isn’t gentle at all times. We will be tested with hardship from time to time, often unexpectedly.

And when reality is bad, that is when mindset and attitude have the greatest influence on how we manage our emotions.

If you were to accept the feelings of suffering that come from losing someone you love, would it not be easier for you to handle it?

Think about it.

Grappling about why you’re going through hardship doesn’t make things better.

In fact, it is said that suffering is wanting reality to be different than it is.

If you can let yourself feel emotions without judgment of what is good or bad to feel, you’ll find it easier to care for yourself and work through those emotions.

There’s a book on this topic called Letting Go by David R. Hawkins. I’ll attach a YouTube video summary of the book for you to watch, but I highly recommend getting the book.

It taught me how to surrender to my emotions without suppressing, expressing, or escaping them.

Sit with your emotions until they ease up, and then resume with your work and routine. It’s a practice that requires effort, but you’ll find it easier to feel better after a relationship ends.

If you can pair mindfulness and meditation with this daily practice, you’ll grow mental resilience, unlike most people you know.

As a tool for coping through a breakup, it’s an invaluable strategy.

2. Don’t rush to try new things

If you do a quick search on ways to get closure after a breakup, a great deal of articles suggest moving on with your life and taking up new hobbies.

As much as this is crucial for a healthy mind and body, timing plays a role in whether it helps you after a breakup or does some damage.

Allow me to explain.

When I went through my last breakup, quite tragically, if I say so myself, I didn’t rush to the gym or to take on new hobbies.

In fact, I only focused on work and staying at home. I didn’t try to meet friends, nor did I try to socialize.

I was already experiencing a huge change in my life; I didn’t need to pile on more changes and emotional stimuli when I could barely manage the breakup.

I also knew, from past experience, that feelings of loss were going to ruin these experiences for me if I went too soon.

So, I waited.

I waited for almost a month before I rejoined the gym, met friends, and took up a new hobby.

At that point, those new activities actually provided me with comfort and joy because I was out of survival mode and seeking new meaning in my life.

If you’re fresh out of a relationship, wait before you start new things.

But if it’s been a while and you’re stuck, then it’s time for you to stop waiting and start living by trying new things.

3. Find support

Tragedy engages our survival instincts while turning off our rational mind.

When challenged with overpowering emotions, we are vulnerable to them. Impulsive decisions are the symptoms of this.

Talking yourself out of making poor decisions after a breakup is a gamble you shouldn’t be willing to take if you have a bad track record.

I was very impulsive and emotionally driven in my twenties. The only way I could navigate heartbreak was by leaning on my family and closest friends.

Having them around me provided some stability that was desperately needed.

I think you should find support in family and friends. If you don’t have any, seek out a caring and compassionate therapist.

I’ve done that as well, and it worked.

You need people to talk sense into you during bouts of desperation and depression.

At the same time, what’s required of you is openness. Be willing to express your feelings to a caring support system, even if it makes you feel vulnerable.

Over time, you’ll lean on them less and less until you’re able to stand on your own to face what happened and to give yourself closure after a breakup.

4. Give yourself closure

Understandably, we want to fill the gaps in our story. It’s hard to live with unresolved questions, but does that mean we will always be granted the luxury of that? I don’t think so. Death can strike at any time, for example.

At a certain point in life, you have to just be willing to accept the outcome as enough information that you need for closure.

Why something happens becomes immaterial when there’s nothing we can do to change the outcome.

I know that this sounds controversial, and perhaps it is.

But when it comes to your well-being, I think it’s worth it. There’s value in prioritizing your future over questions about something that now belongs to the past.

One of the things I tell myself whenever I’m triggered by a memory of the past that makes me upset is that I free myself from the past.

I’m giving myself the gift of closure or freedom from that which is no longer a part of my life.

There are days when I repeat these words to myself many times, but I’ve started to believe them. Repetition is the mother of all skills, right?

So why not repeat sentiments or affirmations that provide you with closure?

Gift yourself closure.

Related article: How to give meaning to a breakup

5. Pray every single day

I mean this when I say it, but nothing has had a more profound effect on my ability to overcome tragedy and loss than prayer.

It’s calming, therapeutic, uplifting, and soothing to the mind, body, and soul.

The more I pray, the stronger I feel about my destiny.

That’s an important element of spirituality that is often overlooked. When you believe, through dedicated practice and prayer, that God has a plan for you, nothing is without meaning in your life.

Every hardship, every loss, and every test are written to make you stronger or to teach you something.

Belief and prayer will lead to closure.

How?

Great question.

God knows how.

And what he wills will be.

6. Walk away

Now that you have been tested with difficulty, to achieve solace and growth, you have to exert effort towards what looks like growth.

Ask yourself this: What difficult thing do I have to do in order to pass this test?

Meditate on this, and I guarantee you, even with all the avoidance in the world, you’ll come to the same answer.

It’s time to walk away from your ex.

That’s what closure looks like for you.

Being friends with them, leaving the door open for them, keeping tabs on their social media, and clinging onto sentimental items is no longer an option for someone like you.

Here’s the kicker: Not everyone has to be this extreme when walking away. But you do. That’s your test. It certainly was mine.

Believe me, I was bothered by this when I watched a close friend of mine maintain close contact with his ex while moving on and finding someone else.

But that wasn’t my journey.

In order for me to function, to heal, and to give myself closure, I had to walk away for however long I needed to.

Does that mean I never spoke to my ex again?

It doesn’t.

We can talk now without being severely triggered or set back because we had to end contact with each other for a long time.

It might be time for you to walk away so that you can get closure from the relationship that ended.

Related article: Walking away from an avoidant

Final Thoughts

Ultimately, what you’ll come to realize, like I did, is that time and a vision for a new future are what lead to closure after a breakup.

You’re going to experience a lot of painful emotions for a while, but that’s okay.

You can use that pain in a healthy way by fueling yourself to do good in the world and to do right by yourself.

Spend a lot of time and effort doing things that are good for your mind, body, and soul repeatedly, when you want to and when you don’t want to.

In time, you’ll not only give yourself closure after a breakup, but you’ll also become the best version of yourself.

With that being said, you can work with me through a breakup or relationship issue. I offer email consultations, which you can get by visiting my services page. Also, grab a copy of my ebook on how to get an ex back by clicking here.