People with an avoidant attachment style need space. If they are made to feel locked down or imprisoned, they will flee. This doesn’t mean that you can’t have a healthy and loving relationship with them. By mastering the art of pulling back when the avoidant needs space, you can disarm their attachment style and re-attract them to you without chasing them. This brings us to the following question – How much space should you give an avoidant?
You should give an avoidant enough space to feel free and to miss you. That’s the key to any courtship, but especially with fearful and anxious avoidants. It is a struggle for them to cope with expectations and commitment during a flare up of anxiety and fear. For this reason, it is crucial that you avoid chasing or pushing them during this time. Instead, attempt to detach and give them space to process their emotions.
What’s interesting to learn is that the partner of an avoidant may experience the exact opposite emotion from that of the avoidant.
When the avoidant feels a strong fear or aversion to closeness, the other person may experience a desperate need for closeness with the avoidant.
It’s so easy for people to get stuck in a cat and mouse game. The push and pull effect can cause couples a great deal of suffering when it occurs in an uncontrollable and unhealthy manner. That’s one of the main reasons why avoidants struggle to maintain or nurture a long lasting relationship.
Not only do they have to overcome their own attachment style, but they also have to manage the feelings of their partner, who may react desperately and needily.
This is why it’s so important to develop a secure attachment style in yourself.
Someone with a secure attachment style doesn’t require a great deal of validation and attention to feel good about themselves.
When they are challenged with rejection or distance, rather than desperately seeking out validation from the person who is pulling away, they remain calm and secure, allowing the other person to have space.
By giving the other person space, there’s an opportunity for them to experience desire and longing. If that person was afraid of being tied down or overwhelmed by the possibility of extreme commitment, space would resolve those feelings.
In other words, you can disarm an avoidant’s need for distance and space by actually providing them with the freedom to have distance and space!
It seems counterintuitive when you are in love.
Most of us have a strong desire to fight for what and who we love. But, in this case, the fight doesn’t necessitate closing the distance but allowing it to exist.
Fighting your own need for validation and attention can drastically affect the outcome of your courtship or relationship with an avoidant.
In fact, one could argue that this fight affects all relationships.
If you really want to have a great deal of success with relationships, learn how to control your emotions. By fighting your own need for validation and attention, you will never find yourself sacrificing self respect and dignity for the validation and attention of others.
This will translate into confidence and high value for other people.
In turn, you will be coveted and viewed as highly attractive.
Believe me, it really is that simple, but it requires a lot of work and personal growth.
The fact that you are reading this article means that you are one of the few people who have a growth mindset. You are looking for answers, and you are open to suggestions. Great things can happen for someone who approaches problems with this healthy attitude.
You need to read this article: Why do avoidants ignore you?
What Makes An Avoidant Pull Away?
I believe that prevention is better than cure. Now, it’s not your duty to fix someone else. They have to put in the work to remedy and overcome their own flaws and issues.
But, that doesn’t mean you have no influence over a relationship.
On the contrary, how you behave can drastically influence the course of a relationship. We should never just assume that people with an avoidant attachment style are incapable of commitment and long lasting relationships.
That’s a cop out.
Far too many people get hung up on attachment styles so that they can continue to behave in a manner that is universally considered unattractive or off putting.
There are certain actions that will make an avoidant pull away from you, and they are the same actions that will make most people pull away.
- Constantly needing validation.
- Texting non-stop and all the time.
- Guilt tripping people into liking you or spending time with you.
- Giving cheap and insincere compliments.
- Rushing someone into a relationship and a commitment.
- Falling into a routine and expecting the other person to show up irrespective of their own needs and desires.
- Fighting for attention all the time.
If you are guilty of the above, then you have to assess yourself and figure out where this behavior stems from.
I’ll be honest, I used to be someone who constantly needed attention and validation. It seeped into a lot of my relationships, especially during my late teens and early twenties.
The issue was that I lacked self love and confidence.
When I finally invested a lot of time into self development, prayer, and self actualizing goals, I developed a better relationship with myself.
The more comfortable I felt with myself, the easier it became to be single at times and to allow people to have space.
Rejection didn’t bother me as much, and I was able to cultivate friendships and relationships built on a mutual desire to be together rather than a need for each other.
These types of friendships and relationships far surpass those that are built on need and desperation.
When you allow people to miss you by giving them space when they need it, the feeling of joy and love that comes when they reach out and miss you is unparalleled.
Anxiety and insecurity dissipate because you allow people to seek you out and choose to be with you.
You need to read this article: Do avoidants actually care about you?
When Should You Contact An Avoidant Ex?
Honestly, never. I know that this sounds extreme, especially if you are missing them dearly. But, I’d give this advice to anyone, irrespective of their ex’s attachment style. You shouldn’t reach out to an ex who dumped you unless the reason they ended the relationship was your fault.
What does this mean?
Allow me to explain.
If you cheated, lied, deceived, or disrespected your ex and they ended the relationship, then you should make an effort to win them back.
Reach out to them and try to make amends. Show that you are truly remorseful and that you care about them. Make an effort to work on yourself and fix your issues.
But, you have to do so without the expectation of them coming back to you.
Furthermore, you have to be prepared to walk away if they make it clear to you that reconciliation is impossible.
If remaining in contact with your ex is only harming them, then, you need to do the loving thing and let them go.
But, let’s say that you didn’t violate the relationship in any way and they broke up with you for whatever other reason, including their avoidant attachment style.
Then, you need to allow space and distance to work their magic.
Silence and time apart have a profound effect on the dumper. Once they get over the “dumper’s high”, this is the phase in which the dumper feels empowered and free. Afterwards, reality will set in, and they will begin to reflect on the past.
Once nostalgia begins, rose tinted glasses will project the past in a more beautiful manner.
That’s when the avoidant ex will begin to reconsider their decision and start to miss you.
Another thing to remember is that avoidants experience an aversion to discomfort.
Wouldn’t you agree that being alone or navigating the nasty relationship sea is uncomfortable? It is! When the avoidant has to go through that, they’ll experience an aversion to that phase as well. That’s when they’ll start desiring love and attention again.
Who will they think about at that point, especially if they haven’t met someone else?
They’ll be thinking about their last ex, whom they left and who was a wonderful and loving partner to them.
If you didn’t chase them and if you used no contact, there’s a huge possibility that the avoidant ex will come back, and you won’t have to chase them at all for a relationship.
You need to read this article: Can you re-attract someone who lost interest?
As a rule of thumb, I tend to advise my clients to text an avoidant when they text you back. It’s okay to initiate contact with an avoidant, but wait for them to reply before you double text. Give them space to think about you and reach out when they want to.
This will allow you to establish an understanding of their patterns and just how interested they are in you.
If you haven’t heard back from an avoidant within 3 days, it’s okay for you to send a double text. But, at that point, don’t reach out again unless they do.
Please keep in mind that you shouldn’t double or triple text an avoidant when it is clear to you that they are online or active on social media.
At that point, they are making a choice to not reply, and right now, you’re not a priority to them or they’re in need of space. In both cases, just don’t waste your time texting them again until they make an effort to gain your attention.
With that being said, I hope you found this article on how much space you should give an avoidant to be helpful and practical. If you’d like to get an avoidant ex back, grab a copy of my eBook called Reconcile by clicking here. It’s a wonderfully concise guide that details everything you need to know about reattracting an ex. Alternatively, check out my services page for information on how to work with me directly.