I’ve been through my fair share of breakups, some mutually consented to, some of my own accord and some which blindsided me.
It’s the breakups you least expect that hurt the most. You had no time to prepare yourself nor to accept the likelihood that your partner will soon be out of your life.
That’s an eerie thought, especially while you’re still in the relationship.
But, it’s better to face our worst fears than to run from them. Being dumped comes with a host of unexpected problems to deal with.
For one, you have to go through separation anxiety as well as heartbreak, confusion, anger, withdrawals and so forth.
Then there’s the change in your routine that is most jarring.
It’s almost as if a huge chunk of your life remains the same minus your partner. That feeling of loss infects other areas of your life and they become a reminder of what is no more.
For some, this is too much to deal with at first. It’s okay if you’ve been the dumpee who chased after their ex and pleaded for another chance.
We’ve all be in those shoes. I don’t think we should be ashamed to admit that.
You loved someone and you wanted to try to save a meaningful relationship. That’s commendable.
Be that as it may, we have to acknowledge how unhealthy and potentially dangerous that is for our own self-worth and well being.
When you chase after someone who dumped you, it opens you up to further rejection and exposure to behavior from your ex that hurts.
Furthermore, a lack of emotional control will lead you down a path of questionable actions and behavior that is out of character.
In the end, you’re left with a damaged ego and self-confidence apart from a broken heart.
To avoid this or to heal from this, no contact is the ultimate solution.
Related Post: 30 Reasons Why You Can’t Get A Girlfriend
What is no contact?
For the sake of convenience, I want to quickly touch on the basic principles of no contact and how the power of silence works to your advantage.
No contact is a dating rule which takes place after a breakup. To win back an ex or to move on from a breakup, no contact dictates a complete elimination of communication with your ex unless they reach out.
This is particularly useful to people who have been dumped.
By implementing no contact, you fast track the rate at which you move on after a break up.
Some people advocate the 30 days no contact rule but that is nothing more than a lie.
In real life, you can never accurately predict the time it would take for someone to feel a particular way.
Making the assumption that within 30 days, your ex will get over their reasons for dumping you, start missing you and be receptive to reconciling is foolish.
What actually happens is that your ex may reply to you, seem open to chatting and actually friendzone you.
And because you did not give yourself enough time to actually move on from your ex, the emotional reaction you have when reaching out to them makes you want to act impulsively, desperately and foolishly.
When no contact is initiated indefinitely, it works phenomenally at speeding up the stages of moving on after a breakup.
What the first three months of no contact feel like
Month one: This is the most confusing period. You will feel torn up between your desire to move on and the desire to be with your ex.
During this time, I had mostly low days and found myself thinking about my ex all the time and missing my ex all the time. The urge to fire up social media and find out what she’s doing and how she’s feeling was devastatingly tempting.
More than anything, the struggle with change is the hardest.
All those fears of being alone come to fruition.
You may find yourself analyzing everything about the relationship and breakup with intense focus.
The desire to have fun or live life grips you for a week and then dissipates when you realize that it doesn’t erase the fact that you are going through a change in relationship status and the separation of someone who occupied a big space in your life.
It’s extremely hard which is why so many people fail during this time and go on to make huge mistakes by contacting their ex.
Month two: To be honest, the second month feels more like an extension of the first with one subtle but significant difference. The shock of your breakup passes.
You come to the realization that what has happened may be permanent. During this time, nostalgia begins to wrap itself around your heart and mind far too often.
I remember reminiscing and thinking about the little details of our relationship that I missed.
The temptation to break no contact may creep up on you at times. There’s a false sense of security that comes along with the second month. You feel as if you’re in control of your feelings but in actuality, you’re not.
Month three: From my own experience and that of others, it is at the three-month point when things really start to take a turn for the better.
You start to feel more accepting of your new relationship status. Rather than be bogged down by the breakup, a desire to have fun and enjoy life to the fullest begins to manifest.
It’s usually by the third month when many people get sick and tired of being sad or moping around all day.
This is the point in which you start really taking care of yourself and prioritizing your own needs.
They say that it takes approximately 66 days to form a new habit that sticks and one could argue it takes about the same time to break another.
By the third month, you start to get over the routine and habits you built from your last relationship and start seeking out newer ones.
Unlike the first month or first week of no contact, you should be able to have many days of motivation and happiness.
Let’s just peg month three as the point in which you start making strides towards moving on from your ex and you have come to accept the loss. Happiness no longer feels like a long lost friend.
What it feels like beyond three months of no contact
Days start to bleed into each other in an almost perfect flow. You stop counting how long it’s been since starting no contact.
Your primary focus shifts from getting over the breakup to just living your life.
By now, you’re in a new groove and starting to embrace life as you now know it to be.
More weeks pass you by, then months and then even a year. At which point, you don’t feel the way you did at the start of not contact.
What becomes abundantly clear to you is that things have changed.
To be more specific, you have changed. You feel that difference within you. And with that change comes a new reality and truth – you are no longer the same person you were during the relationship.
Reconciling with your ex may not be out of the question but it’s not something you think is likely to happen or logical.
Your new lifestyle becomes all-encompassing. The empty blocks of time you had after the breakup are now filled by something entirely else.
This may be one of the best signs that no contact is working. The most exciting development is your desire to meet new people to date! Once the bug bites, it’s almost impossible to resist.
How I feel after doing no contact
I have to say, a successful attempt at no contact really changed the way I look at myself.
It was the kind of challenge that showed me how resilient, strong-willed and capable I am of enduring hardship, especially within my own heart.
My self worth increased as well as my confidence. Knowing that I could walk away from someone who dumped me and never looking back despite the nagging feeling to do so was a turning point for me.
If I could do that, what else am I capable of doing?
There’s so much to be gained from doing no contact but of it all, I think you will truly appreciate the renewed sense of self-esteem and dignity it creates.
As time progresses and you reach a year of no contact, it becomes increasingly easier to be objective.
Rather than view your ex as God’s perfect creation (like you did during the first month of the breakup or no contact), you see them for who they really are – flaws and perfections.
This simple change provides the necessary clarity one needs to adjust their requirements for a new partner leading into the future.
If there was ever anything that can help you to grow as a person and to become a better partner for the future, it’s doing no contact.
Looking back, I’m glad I did no contact because there really was no way my ex and I were going to reconcile.
If anything, the relationship had some problems that just flew over my head.
Thanks to no contact, I was able to make sense of that and find peace within myself.
Tips on how to survive no contact
Having so much free time after a breakup is unusual. If I’m being completely honest, I felt lost. I didn’t know what to do with myself or how to use all this newfound time in a positive way.
At first, all I did was try to chase after girls and distract myself with games. That was horrible and never truly helped.
Eventually, I was forced to get off my ass and start being an adult again. So, I set some goals by bullet journaling, changed my routine and started focusing time on my career and self-development.
I also used this free time to start a side business. Fast forward, that was one of the best decisions I ever made.
What I’ve noticed is that people who initiate no contact just to get their ex back often suffer the entire time. It’s an unhealthy approach. When using no contact, come from the place of accepting any outcome.
Let the primary objective be to move on with your life. That’s when no contact will truly benefit you.
Life goes on
And that’s the truth. No matter how we may feel, life doesn’t stop. I like to adopt a positive outlook on that reality.
No contact pushes you to move forward with life. It may be painful at first and emotionally draining but in the end, you gain so much of knowledge, experience and strength from embarking on this no contact journey.
Above all, it actually helps you regain your identity as an individual much faster than any other solution available.
When you rediscover what makes you tick as an individual, that’s when you can start enjoying life again.
Heck, that’s when you take the most important step towards moving on, developing a life you truly love and finding love again with someone better suited for you.
With that being said, I hope you found this article to be interesting and insightful. Please share your experiences with no contact in the comment section below.