It’s not easy to navigate a courtship or relationship with a fearful avoidant. They have the proclivity to pull away just when things begin to progress and heat up. This begs the question, How do you keep a fearful avoidant interested?
The best thing you can do is develop a good understanding of a fearful avoidant attachment style. In doing so, you can tailor your behavior and approach to minimize the negative effects of this attachment style while enjoying the time you spend with the fearful avoidant.
There are certain key ideas and behaviors that apply across all attachment styles regarding attraction and the progression to a serious relationship.
We’ll discuss those ideas later on, and I’ll share my detailed approach on how to keep a fearful avoidant interested.
You need to read this article: Do fearful avoidants want you to chase?
What Is A Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style?
First of all, it is important to establish that there are four attachment styles, namely:
- Secure
- Avoidant
- Disorganized
- Anxious
These four attachment styles are theorized to develop during our childhood, and they affect the way we behave and interact in relationships.
An avoidant attachment style is divided into two main types:
- Fearful avoidant
- Dismissive avoidant
In this discussion, we will be focusing on the fearful avoidant attachment style, which is described as a longing or yearning for intimacy, connection, and support but a fear or aversion for these things.
You need to read this article: How to make your avoidant ex miss you
Signs That Someone Is A Fearful Avoidant
It’s not always easy to identify someone’s attachment style right off the bat. Through time, experience, and observation, it becomes clearer how someone interacts in a relationship, which would point you closer to their attachment style.
Thankfully, there are a few signs that someone is a fearful avoidant, and they are as follows:
- They are insecure.
- They emotionally pull and push within the relationship frequently.
- They exhibit trust issues.
- They need frequent reassurance and validation.
- They withdraw when things get serious.
- They ask for space in an abrasive manner.
- They struggle to open up to others out of fear of being judged or mistreated.
It’s more likely that someone has a fearful avoidant attachment style if a large percentage of these signs are present in their behavior than if they display only one or two of them.
You need to read this article: Can an avoidant and secure relationship work?
How To Keep A Fearful Avoidant Interested In You
1. Be consistent
Polarity in romantic relationships often evokes desire and stability, especially when dealing with someone who has a fearful, avoidant attachment style.
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When they are exhibiting behavior that appears flakey or erratic, that is when you should be grounded and consistent.
Getting caught up in the fearful avoidant’s flare-up has the potential to influence your decision-making process.
Rather than remaining secure and certain, you may try to pull away from the avoidant or pull them closer to you.
In both cases, it may backfire and drive a deeper wedge between the two of you.
The best way to counteract this is by remaining consistent.
- Reach out as you would.
- Reply like normal.
- Affirm your feelings for the avoidant.
- Be patient with them.
As long as you can maintain some degree of consistency in your behavior, you should be able to keep a fearful avoidant interested.
2. Offer validation when they need it
Often, fearful avoidants battle with deep insecurity.
Due to their low self-esteem, they often question someone’s intentions and feelings for them.
This stems from the idea that they are not good enough or worthy of love. This causes them to project their insecurities onto their partner.
We overlook insecure behavior and dismiss calls for validation because we don’t see anything about our behavior that illustrates a change in our feelings toward the fearful avoidant.
But, insecurity has the propensity to alter someone’s perception. It adds a question mark to what seems like a fact.
When a fearful avoidant appears to need validation, give it to them because if you don’t, it may trigger them to dismiss or avoid you out of fear of being rejected or unvalued.
3. Don’t chase after them
The mistake a lot of people make is to dismiss the instinctual nature of attraction and fixate on attachment styles during a courtship.
They convince themselves that a fearful avoidant needs constant attention and validation due to their attachment style, and they ignore reality altogether.
A fearful avoidant who friendzoned you or pulled away despite your attempts to connect doesn’t need more of your attention and validation, especially if you hadn’t withdrawn them in the first place.
That’s just a sign of dwindling interest or a loss of attraction.
Examine your behavior and determine whether you spent far too much time pursuing or chasing them.
If you were and they still pulled away, then you need to change what you’re doing.
More of the same behavior isn’t going to fix things. So, just because I advised you to be consistent and to provide them with validation when they seek it out doesn’t mean you should rely solely on this at all times.
Attraction is a two-way street, and you should not be chasing someone incessantly.
Instead, give them a little space to miss you and come back when they pull away despite your efforts to remain connected.
If they come back, there’s still enough attraction and interest to reset. If they don’t, then you need to let them go for now.
4. Share your fears and vulnerabilities with them
Real relationships are built on trust. Without it, you have nothing. When the time is right, it helps to open up to fearful avoidants by sharing your fears and vulnerabilities.
Doing so illustrates that you are committed and invested in developing a close connection with them.
To lead by example will encourage the fearful avoidant to open up and overcome their fears because you are someone who can be trusted and relied on.
Ed Mylett shared an amazing anecdote that will resonate with you like it did with me. He said that if you want to impress people, show them how perfect you are, but you’ll connect with no one. If you want to connect with people, show them your flaws or problems.
Rapport through relatability is a surefire way of keeping a fearful avoidant interested.
Especially if they view this as an opportunity to share their insecurities, fears, and problems with you. Once that occurs and you respond kindly and supportively, that’s when a deeper connection will be established.
5. Focus on the courtship
To avoid overwhelming an avoidant or creating undue pressure for a relationship, focus on the courtship.
The courtship creates the foundation upon which a relationship is built.
It requires you to learn about the other person, to be romantic, caring, and real, to spend quality time with each other, to give each other space and time as individuals, and to build trust.
The courtship is thoroughly enjoyable when you do it correctly and sincerely.
Your ease and patience will permeate your words and actions. This will appear highly attractive and compelling to anyone, even a fearful avoidant.
So, ultimately, focus on having a wonderful time with each other, and half the battle is won.
Is It Possible To Have A Long Relationship With A Fearful Avoidant?
Yes, you can have a long term relationship with a fearful avoidant, provided that they are aware of their unhealthy habits of avoidance and are committed to building a fulfilling relationship with you.
I would also like to emphasize the importance of you eliminating unhealthy habits that sabotage the courtship and the relationship.
Personal accountability is something that many people could benefit from. It requires us to take responsibility for what happens in our lives, regardless of who is at fault.
Adopting this mindset encourages us to have a growth mindset that keeps us from walking around like a hopeless victim who is destined to repeat the mistakes of his or her past.
Using someone’s attachment style as an excuse to hold onto unattractive, unhealthy, and/or toxic behavior is an absolute waste of your time and a recipe for long-term heartbreak.
Look into the mirror, reflect on who you are as a person, examine failed relationships for useful lessons, and find skills at which you can work to improve as a romantic partner.
This is the only way to give yourself a fair chance at having a real and long-lasting relationship with a fearful avoidant.
You need to read this article: Can you re-attract someone who lost interest?
Final Thoughts
That brings us to the end of this article on how to keep a fearful avoidant interested. After all my research and experience with attachment styles, I can attest that it is possible to keep a fearful avoidant interested.
Regardless of our attachment styles, all of us yearn for true love and real connection. As long as we cultivate a growth mindset within a relationship and focus on this desire, we can overcome the negative or problematic habits we develop in childhood.
At the same time, I must impress on you the following: You can’t fix or change someone.
That’s not your job.
A fearful avoidant must commit themselves to the process of developing relationship skills and tools that help them cultivate a long-term relationship that is fulfilling and healing.
Show up as best you can, and hopefully they will, too.
With that being said, I recommend grabbing a copy of my eBook on re-attracting someone or getting an ex back by clicking here. It’s concise, detailed, easy to follow, and has advice that legitimately works.