In this article, I’m going to help you end fearful avoidant chase once and for all.
More importantly, you are going to learn about the fearful avoidant chase, why it takes place, the signs of a fearful avoidant lover and why chasing a fearful avoidant is a terrible idea.
Being romantically involved with an avoidant partner can be extremely unnerving. Whenever things appear to be progressing well, something or another goes wrong.
Relationships with a fearful avoidant can feel like taking one step forward before taking one step back.
There are steps you can take to assist the fearful avoidant in breaking free from this vicious cycle.
More importantly, there are things you can do to ensure that you do not ruin yourself in the fearful avoidant chase.
I’m going to share everything I know to help with this issue so that you can have a healthy and happy relationship.
What Is Fearful Avoidant Chase?
Before we delve into fearful avoidant chase, we need to quickly cover the basic idea behind attachment styles.
There are four attachment styles, namely:
In this article, we are going to delve into the fearful avoidant style, particularly the fearful avoidant chase.
The fearful avoidant craves intimacy and love but fears them tremendously.
Fearful avoidant chase can be described as a cycle that occurs within a romantic relationship with someone who has a fearful avoidant attachment style.
They pursue romantic relationships and make themselves vulnerable to love when they are in the mood for it.
Unfortunately, the fearful avoidant is overcome by thoughts and feelings of fear when they expose themselves to intimacy and love.
When this occurs, the fearful avoidant pulls away or disappears.
This is when you begin to chase the fearful avoidant.
Either the fearful avoidant comes back or leaves altogether.
Eventually, the fearful avoidant starts to crave intimacy and love again.
Thus, the cycle repeats.
You need to read this article: What to do when the avoidant pushes you away!
8 Signs Of A Fearful Avoidant
1. They frequently experience anxiety over ordinary decisions.
People with a secure attachment style don’t overthink ordinary decisions like when to see each other, how to date each other and so forth.
A fearful avoidant experiences bouts of overthinking and anxiety over all these ordinary decisions.
They appear stressed and concerned over how simple decisions may affect their future and their peace of mind.
At the same time, they’re so averse to change that when a decision runs the slight risk of changing things, even in a positive way, they experience anxiety over it.
2. Serious conversations about commitment freak them out.
When uncertainty is your kryptonite, predictability and control feel like your saving grace. For the fearful avoidant, giving up control of the future is terrifying.
Unless plans are suggested by the fearful avoidant, they will be perceived as threatening and anxiety-inducing for him or her.
Such is the battle faced by someone who is averse to discomfort and uncertainty.
If you are to suggest a plan for the future that requires the fearful avoidant to surrender some control over the direction of their life, they will exhibit clear signs of discomfort, anxiety and flakiness.
“Let’s talk about it later.”
“We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.”
“I’m not sure.”
“Uhm, okay. I guess.”
“I don’t know what I want.”
These are some of the most common statements made by people with a fearful avoidant attachment style during discussions on commitment and the future.
They’re afraid of the confrontation that may ensue from expressing their discomfort right now.
So they resort to vague replies that do not expressly commit to anything.
Believe it or not, they are even capable of rejecting or running away from plans or things that they actually want when they interpret a conversation in a fearful manner.
3. They shut down or distance themselves when faced with disagreements.
Most fearful avoidants avoid disagreements.
This sounds healthy on the surface but it’s not.
It’s unrealistic to avoid all disagreements in a relationship.
If anything, we could argue that what makes a relationship healthy is the ability to handle disagreements in a respectful and mutually beneficial manner.
The fearful avoidant cannot tolerate the discomfort of an argument or disagreement.
When they feel threatened, their fight, flight or freeze response kicks in.
More often than not, they take flight or freeze.
Imagine trying to have a conversation with the fearful avoidant about something uncomfortable but necessary.
You sit them down and begin to talk.
Instead of being met with a conversation, you are stonewalled or shut out. In other words, they walk away or remain silent without engaging you.
If they do communicate, it’s short and shallow.
4. They back away when feeling vulnerable.
What need does a romantic relationship fulfill?
It’s not sex.
To feel loved and close to someone in every capacity.
But, opening ourselves to such intimacy requires us to accept vulnerability. We must be willing to reveal ourselves truthfully at the risk of being judged or accepted.
You can’t achieve true intimacy without vulnerability.
That’s what makes a romantic relationship so beautiful.
To expose our vulnerabilities and trust that the other person will choose to love and accept us as we are.
The fearful avoidant doesn’t struggle with being intimate, they struggle with being vulnerable.
It’s unpleasant and frightening to be so open and vulnerable to another human being.
But, at the other end of this unpleasantness is the beautiful possibility of acceptance, love and understanding.
The fearful avoidant will usually put up walls or hold back a little at all times.
So, they never truly reach a point of true intimacy in their relationships.
You need to read this article: What to do when a man pulls away.
5. They are prone to sensitivity.
It’s difficult to associate high self-esteem with a fearful avoidant person when observing and examining them.
Self-doubt and low self-esteem are common issues among fearful avoidants.
Often, they are walking through life in defense mode.
As a result of this, they are highly sensitive.
Unable to handle banter or any form of critique, the fearful avoidant runs away or closes up when they feel attacked.
You start to walk on egg-shells around them out of fear of upsetting them without even knowing you are.
Because they are so sensitive, it is difficult to address their behavior without alarming them.
6. They are afraid to express their needs and wants.
What’s one of the scariest things to experience in a romantic endeavor?
The answer is rejection.
Rejection has the ability to cause catastrophic damage to someone who is averse to it.
How we process rejection boils down to our perception of it.
A person who has a strong sense of self-worth and self-belief can see rejection as a common and expected experience when looking for love.
It isn’t given undue importance.
Rejection is seen as a direct assault on one’s value and worth as a person by someone who lacks self-confidence and self-esteem, not just as a romantic prospect.
So, to avoid the pain of rejection, a fearful avoidant may fail to express any of their needs or wants.
Being unfulfilled in a relationship leads to some unhappiness.
Their unhappiness will affect the relationship and their partners.
It’s a toxic cycle that eventually leads to rejection or the failure of a relationship.
The very thing that the fearful avoidant fears are the same things they attract.
7. They run hot and cold.
Speaking from my own experience, I’ve noticed that people who have an avoidant attachment style are emotionally driven.
When they are not triggered, they are loving, warm and expressive.
When they are triggered, they are distant, cold and reticent.
This constant up and down in behavior is attributed to the wave-like nature of emotions.
It’s a fact that emotions are unfixed because they are easily influenced by a variety of internal and external reasons.
This is when it becomes important to develop emotional self-control.
What does it mean to have emotional self-control?
It means that you are able to choose whether to act on emotion or not.
The fearful avoidant is so reactive that they act on most of their emotions which is why they run hot and cold.
8. They come and go.
A significant portion of fearful avoidants want a relationship but fear one.
They crave intimacy and fear it at the same time.
So, when they’re in a state of desire, they’re present and attentive.
But, when their anxious attachment style flares up, they leave or disappear indefinitely.
It may appear as if the relationship or courtship is progressing but as soon as commitment is perceived as a threat to the fearful avoidant, they’ll leave or disappear.
Then, they’ll come back.
You’ll be in this back-and-forth indefinitely.
Every time you get close to taking the relationship to the next level, the avoidant leaves and resets things to where they feel comfortable.
How To Escape The Fearful Avoidant Chase
1. Love in such a way that the avoidant feels free.
An avoidant often feels overwhelmed and stressed out when they are with someone who is needy or clingy.
Try to detach from your avoidant to some extent.
It sounds counterintuitive, especially when someone you love is pulling away from you.
But, if you give the avoidant some time, space and distance to choose you, often they will.
When they pull away or appear cold, don’t push them to open up.
If they want some space, give it to them.
Let them feel your security and confidence.
That disarms their feelings of insecurity and doubt.
2. Let them go.
Part of the fearful avoidant chase entails a desperate attempt at re-attracting the avoidant.
But, when you step on the gas and try to convince them to come back, they pull away.
Again, it will feel counterintuitive but let them go.
If they are unwilling to communicate, don’t force them. If they are unwilling to commit, don’t force them. If they don’t want to be with you, don’t force them.
It goes against the very cycle of the fearful avoidant chase.
It also has a positive effect on their attraction and interest in you because it takes confidence, self-esteem, self-belief and immense self-respect to let go of someone you love for the sake of your dignity.
3. Don’t reach out to them repeatedly.
By all means, make an attempt to contact the fearful avoidant when they pull away or leave.
It shows that you care.
More importantly, it provides closure in the event that you decide to let them go.
But, don’t repeatedly express love and desire for the avoidant if they refuse to work on the relationship.
Remember, people with an avoidant attachment style hate discomfort.
The end of a relationship and the loneliness that follows often create feelings of sadness, discomfort, anxiety, doubt, worry and fear.
All these feelings are heightened during bouts of silence and no contact.
This will make them come back to you or question their own decision to leave.
Another reason why you shouldn’t text the avoidant ex is to avoid reinforcing their behavior.
Think about it for a second.
They have chosen to move away from you for reasons that do not make sense.
Instead of working on the relationship, communicating through issues, and expressing their feelings in an understandable manner, they stonewall you or disappear.
Chasing them is the same as rewarding them for creating the fearful avoidant chase.
You need to read this article: Here’s what happens when you stop chasing an avoidant!
4. Don’t reply to breadcrumbs.
At the end of a relationship or after rejection, the dumper or rejecter will often reach out to get some validation.
They’ll allude to missing you.
In some cases, they will tease the idea of getting back together.
When you take the bait and express your desire to reconcile, that’s when they suddenly backtrack.
The avoidant wanted some comfort by finding out if you were hung up on them or waiting for a chance to get back together.
Don’t fall for this.
Keep the conversation extremely short and sweet.
At best, bring up the idea of meeting but it must be on your terms.
If the avoidant refuses or beats around the bush, don’t give them the time of day.
You need to read this article: Why your avoidant ex want to be friends!
5. Learn how to regulate your feelings.
When dating or marrying an avoidant, you will go through phases of comfort which are usually threatened when the avoidant gets stuck in their feelings or anxiety and fear.
To counteract their erratic emotions, it is important to remain grounded and in control of your feelings.
You can’t have two people freaking out at the same time.
The emotional rollercoaster ride that ensues ends in tragedy.
Even if you are panicking or experiencing anxiety over the fearful avoidants’ actions, don’t let them see it.
Choose to behave as if you deserve better.
Don’t allow them to take you into the cycle of the fearful avoidant chase.
Find an outlet that provides you with clarity, confidence and comfort.
Keep in mind, we are all easily influenced by the five people closest to us.
You have to actively work on remaining calm and collected when your partner is someone who is usually anxious and impulsive.
6. Allow the avoidant to experience the discomfort of your silence.
I touched on this above but silence is an incredible tool for communication.
Sometimes, saying nothing can have a much more profound effect than anything you could possibly say.
It just so happens that when someone blatantly disrespects you, undermines your worth or refuses to communicate with you, silence becomes the best response.
It draws a boundary while reminding them of your value.
The avoidant needs to experience what it would feel like to lose contact with you if they pull away and try to make you chase them.
They need to feel as if the discomfort that comes from your silence is far more terrifying and painful than the discomfort that comes from their fear or aversion to certain healthy things in the relationship.
You need to read this article: How to make an avoidant ex miss you!
7. Don’t take the avoidant back excitedly or easily.
Part of the fearful avoidant chase that provides power and excitement to the avoidant is reconciling.
They get a high from it.
If someone with a secure attachment style experiences desire, bliss and euphoria from reconciling with a lover, why wouldn’t it have the same or greater effect on an avoidant?
As I mentioned earlier, emotions are like waves.
When the fearful avoidant is done or exhausted from feeling afraid or sad, they seek out excitement and happiness.
That’s when the cycle reaches its conclusion and begins again.
Don’t make it easy on the avoidant by jumping back into a relationship with them just because they say so.
You’re giving away all your power, rewarding them for pulling away and teaching them that you have no boundaries.
You need to read this article: Do avoidants regret breaking up?
8. Pay attention to what the avoidant is saying.
The way to disarm someone who is caught in an anxious spiral is to make them feel heard and validate their feelings.
It also gives you a good idea of what’s bothering them, which you can address with them when they are not worked up.
Another advantage of listening to what they say is that you can identify specific triggers that precede the backing off or distancing phase.
9. Avoid being clingy and needy in general.
You aren’t going to get rejected if you are the one being chased.
What we know is that the fearful avoidant tends to pull away when they are overwhelmed by commitment or pressure.
They also pull away when they are afraid of getting hurt or rejected.
So, by simply matching and mirroring the fearful avoidant’s effort, you never risk coming on too strong or coming off as uninterested.
10. Practice independence and break free from codependency.
The only way that you can actually deal with a fearful avoidant without losing yourself in the process is by grounding yourself.
Leaning into who you are and maintaining all the elements of your identity is crucial for anyone in a relationship but especially for you.
Your independence and sense of identity as an individual provide the strength, courage and capability to remain calm, level-headed and confident when it appears like the fearful avoidant is pulling away.
Someone who firmly believes in their own worth isn’t going to sacrifice their dignity to chase after someone who doesn’t want to be with them for no apparent reason.
You can’t get stuck in the fearful avoidant chase if you refuse to participate in it.
You need to read this article: How to reattract an avoidant ex!
If I were to summarize the core message of this article, it would be this: Do not chase after a fearful avoidant when they are fixated on escaping their fear.
Instead, express your desire to be together, give them the space to miss you, do not reward them with your attention and time while they push you away and lean heavily into your own life and interests.
Let commitment be their idea and give them the space to choose you over their fear of commitment or love.
This is what I would do to escape the fearful avoidant chase.
With that being said, I hope you found this article to be helpful and eye-opening. If you would like my assistance with an avoidant partner, check out my services page for more information on my email coaching package.