If you’re going through a breakup or trying to re-attract someone you lost, it’s normal to feel concerned. You are not wrong for asking: Does the no contact rule work? I did. Here’s the answer.
Yes, the no contact rule works. It is the single most effective action you can take to get your ex back or to move on after a devastating breakup.
A few years ago, I went through a difficult breakup that left me confused, frustrated, and heartbroken. I was completely lost, and I kept reaching out to my ex in hopes of fixing what was broken.
My inability to control my emotional impulses led me down a path of more drama and unnecessary pain.
All I had to do was be indifferent. By indifferent, I mean taking the stance of inaction.
But as a person, I’ve always been wired to believe that with action, I can fix any situation. I was unable to surrender myself to a greater power or the story that was written for me.
I kept interfering and intervening with my own healing process.
In return, this drove my ex further away. It also brought an immense amount of pain and baggage into my life.
Thankfully, after some reflection and in-depth conversations with my best friend, I stopped taking action. Correction: I made a choice to take no action. I let things be and initiated the no contact rule.
And you know what? It worked.
My ex would reach out from time to time, but I was head-deep in the dating game at that point.
I met people who were absolutely amazing, and I knew in my heart that there was no way I could go back.
How No Contact Works
Dumping someone is a power move. You change the terms of a relationship and choose to leave a partnership.
That often leaves the person on the receiving end feeling weak, upset and powerless.
The dumper now feels in complete control.
They may be upset about leaving the relationship but not as much as the one who was dumped.
When the feeling of power starts to fade, that’s when the dumper begins to experience the usual feelings caused by any breakup. Uncertainty, sadness, loneliness, separation anxiety and fear.
The last one being the most important from this list.
They will fear the possibility of having made a mistake to dump their partner.
If you, as the person who was dumped, successfully managed to implement the no contact rule, your ex will feel this fear to the max.
At which point, they will question their decision.
Furthermore, your disappearing act will often make them wonder whether you were actually as affected by the breakup as they thought you would be.
Suddenly, the dynamic has changed. And at this point, your ex will reach out in hopes of getting some answers.
At this juncture, the no contact rule has successfully evolved into a power shifting move.
You have taken back some power from the breakup.
When Should You Use The No Contact Rule?
Ideally, the best time to go no contact is immediately after a breakup or being ghosted by someone you were casually dating.
After your last message or call, simply delete their number from your phone and don’t reach out to them under any circumstance.
Some dating coaches claim you should reach out after 30 days but I disagree with this approach.
After being dumped or ghosted, you should not reach out at all. For the no contact rule to take full effect, you must wait until your ex or the other party reaches out to you.
Their initiation of conversation is an indication of where their state of mind is.
It tells you that whatever mess up existed is not as much as a problem as it was before.
Also, as we discussed above, it means that your ex is experiencing some uncertainty, curiosity or fear which obviously means they are not entirely over you.
How Long Will It Take For My Ex To Contact Me?
It could be anywhere from a few days to a few months to even a year. There’s really no set time frame upon which we can 100% predict someone will reach out.
But, take comfort in the fact that the no contact rule allows you to initiate a clean break.
Rather than chase after your ex, get rejected repeatedly and watch him or her be with other people, you are giving yourself the gift of space.
This space and distance is the perfect time to heal, move on and get over your ex.
I know a lot of people go no contact to get back with their ex. But, I think that’s an unhealthy approach.
Go into no contact with the intention of completely moving on.
If your ex reaches out, then you can decide whether to play out the situation or not. If your ex doesn’t reach out, you can go on with your life like normal.
That’s the real benefit of going no contact.
It’s a tool to move on after a breakup as much as it is a tool to get your ex back.
Will My Ex Forget Me During No Contact?
Absolutely not. How can you possibly forget someone you shared a romantic relationship with?
Let me ask you this question, have you forgotten any of your exes?
These kinds of questions will run through your mind during no contact. And you will likely create a narrative that encourages you to reach out to your ex.
Don’t fall into that trap.
On many occasions I made this mistake and it always left me feeling diminished and upset with myself.
The only time your ex may forget about you is if they didn’t really cherish or value you as much as you thought.
In which case, is it really worth spending so much time on someone who didn’t even care enough to remember you?
I don’t mean to sound harsh but there’s nothing to be gained from asking this question if you’re not willing to work.
Does no contact rule work? Yes, only if you’re willing to work.
The work we are talking about here is controlling your impulses, resisting the urge to reach out when you are lonely or nostalgic, taking the time to heal from your emotional wounds and staying mentally strong.
You are more than any relationship.
You will get through this because you are strong or you’re capable of being strong.
Going through this is just another layer of strength and confidence you will be adding to yourself.
Look at no contact as a means of taking back some power from the breakup and using it to maintain your dignity and self-respect.
I hope that I did justice to the topic and answered your question on does the no contact rule work.
Check out this article I wrote on how to make your ex regret breaking up with you.
Please share your thoughts in the comment section below.