If you’ve been wondering whether or not the 30 day no contact rule works, the answer may surprise you. This concept has gained popularity over the last decade with what seems like good results. But, don’t be fooled.
The 30 day no contact rule works only within a specific set of circumstances. That’s the catch which most experts don’t seem to talk about often.
I’ve been coaching people for a relatively good amount of time and have personally experimented with the no contact rule on many occasions.
What I know with absolute certainty is that the 30 day no contact rule will absolutely not work for everyone. There is a better technique which we can get into later on in this article.
For now, let’s take a closer look at the 30 day no contact rule.
What is the 30 day no contact rule?
Essentially, the 30 day no contact rule dictates a total elimination of contact from your ex in hopes of moving on and/or getting your ex back. It includes the following:
- No text messages to your ex.
- No calls.
- Zero social media interaction whatsoever.
- No mentioning your ex to mutual friends or family.
As difficult as this may sound, the underlying principle behind this rule is to withdraw from your ex and the relationship in the same way you would from drugs.
During this time, you are to focus on yourself in hopes of making peace with the end of your relationship, moving on and giving your ex the space needed to miss you.
After 30 days, you are allowed to reach out to your ex if you so desire.
If you make the mistake of reaching out to your ex before the 30 days are up, you risk getting rejected and undoing the progress you have made to move on.
Then you are required to start the 30 day no contact all over again.
When does the 30 day no contact rule work?
As far as anecdotal evidence goes, it works in cases when the breakup was either an impulsive or spontaneous decision after a heated argument or misunderstanding.
It also works when you and your partner have a history of breaking up and making up.
Another instance is when the dumper experiences feelings of separation anxiety. The complete elimination of contact will make him or her miss you profusely and doubt their decision.
Why the 30 day no contact rule does not always work
The main reason why the 30 day no contact rule does not work for most people is that it doesn’t give you enough time to process and move on from a breakup.
Being able to accept and move on after being with someone you love dearly for an extended period of time can take anywhere between months to even a year.
No contact is designed to help speed up that process by removing your ex from your sight in every way possible and as much as possible. Also, it assumes that the dumper will miss you and doubt their decision within a set period of time.
But to limit that to 30 days is ridiculous.
It also won’t work if your ex has genuinely moved on with someone else or is far too stubborn to admit their mistake. If of course, breaking up was indeed a mistake.
There’s no set time in which anyone can predict how long it will take you to move on from a breakup or for your ex to start missing you.
Everyone is unique and different circumstances will elicit different reactions.
You have to take that into account before falling into the 30 day no contract rule trap.
How to use the no contact rule correctly
For the sake of convenience, I’d like to explain how to do the no contact correctly so that you can maximize your chances of re-attracting your ex or moving on from the breakup entirely.
Much like the above-mentioned requirements for no contact, you ought to eliminate all contact with your ex, be it texts, calls or social media interaction.
You should avoid talking about your ex to any common friends or family.
Furthermore, remove any reminders of your ex and most importantly, it must be for an indefinite amount of time!
The only time you ought to communicate with your ex is if he or she directly reaches out to you.
At which point, you may say that you are looking to move on unless your ex wants to rekindle the relationship by admitting their mistake.
Should I wait for my ex to contact me?
As far as possible, do what feels right for you and trust your gut instinct. This may require you to be intellectually honest with yourself and not avoid the burning truth in your mind.
Waiting on someone comes with the risk of wasting months or years of your life without any guarantee of ever being together again.
I understand if you want to use no contact to get your ex back and that is perfectly okay.
But, use that time wisely.
Rather than spend it stalking your ex on social media or sulking in bed, focus on making peace with the situation and developing yourself into a better, smarter, kinder and happier person.
In the end, even if your ex comes back to you or not, that time you spent on no contact would have benefited you in more ways than one.
What does it mean when my ex contacts me?
You may get a message from your ex during no contact along these lines:
- Hey, I just wanted to check up on you. I hope you’re well.
- I miss you.
- I’ve been thinking about you.
- I wish we could talk and catch up.
It may excite you but don’t be fooled into a false sense of security. These messages don’t usually mean that he or she wants to get back with you.
If anything, they’re just reaching out to get some comfort from separation anxiety or to suss out your position given that you have completely cut communication.
Don’t give in.
Make it clear that you’re focusing on moving on and have no interest in just being friends. Or, be as cool and unaffected as you can be.
The only time you should take this seriously is if your ex brings up the topic of your breakup in terms of wanting to makeup or another chance at the relationship.
No contact is all about your well being
If you can use this time to your advantage, I swear it can change your life for the better.
One of my regrest was not doing no contact soon enough and wasting months of my life on someone who was just not interested in getting back together.
When I finally made the necessary changes in my life and focused on what’s right for my future, everything started falling in place.
I made peace with my breakup and went on to have many wonderful relationships thereafter.
More importantly, I became a better person in the process. I learned from the situation and witnessed how resilient I can be in the face of adversity.
I believe we all have the ability to be resilient. Much like grit, it’s something that can benefit you for life.
Please share your thoughts in the comment section below and let me know what your experience has been with the 30 days no contact rule.