In this article, I’m going to answer the following question in detail: Does no contact work?
Yes, no contact does work in helping a person to move on after the end of a relationship. However, it has also proven to be an effective technique for re-attracting an ex.
Put aside the catchy name, it’s actually a concept that has been around since forever.
I remember a time when an elderly friend told me a story of how he stopped writing and visiting a girl he liked during his late teens when she ditched him for no apparent reason.
When he saw her many weeks after at a party, he greeted her but continued to socialize and have a good time with other people and other girls.
Later that night, she approached him and apologized for how she treated him and expressed desire to spend time with him.
The rest is history.
But, this illustrates how using no contact can be an effective tool for moving on and also re-attracting an ex.
Do you think she would have paid him as much attention at that party had he chased after her for weeks or tried much harder to talk to her at the party?
I don’t think so.
Be that as it may, I want to share exactly why does no contact work and how it changed my approach with breakups.
Related post: Does the no contact rule work if you were dumped?
How no contact worked for me
When I was younger, I made every mistake in the book when it came to dealing with breakups.
I would beg, plead and chase like my life depended on it.
During that time, I convinced myself that what I was doing seemed reasonable because I was ‘in love’.
I was under the assumption that if I could just show my exes how much they meant to me that it would win them back.
What I never considered was the fact that someone who knows how valuable they are or who has a good amount of self respect would never chase after someone who just left the relationship.
If I couldn’t respect myself, how could I expect anyone else to?
And if there’s one thing we know for certain, it’s that respect is paramount in any healthy relationship.
When I learned about no contact, it was a game changer.
For one, it challenged me to do something extremely difficult and to go against my desperation.
Secondly, it stopped me from appearing to be desperate and weak.
In time, I was able to re-attract people at times but more importantly, I was able to move on faster and find peace with the end of a relationship.
Related post: 2 Weeks no contact should I give up?
How to use no contact correctly
There are some people who claim that the 30 day no contact rule is effective but I feel otherwise.
People are not so robotic that a set amount of time guarantees results.
The way I see it, no contact is a life decision more so than a romantic relationship technique.
Being able to walk away from someone and close communication is imperative when your sense of well being is at stake.
The whole point of no contact is to focus on yourself.
If you’re going to use a set period of no contact to get your ex back, it’s going to be a waste of time because you’re using that time to stay hopeful and chained to the past.
People end up obsessing over the days until they can reach out to their ex.
Instead of dealing with the breakup, they fixate on no contact like it’s their only saving grace to fix this separation.
It would be far more effective to apply no contact indefinitely to move on from your ex while leaving the door open for them to come back if they want.
You shouldn’t use this time to desperately wait for them to come back.
On the contrary, you should be using this time productively by dealing with your emotions after the breakup, adjusting to the change in your life and rediscovering what you want in life.
During this time, you want to behave as if you’re in a rehabilitation center for a drug called your ex.
This means that you will not interact or initiate communication with your ex on any platform or for any reason until you move on or they come back expressing interest in rekindling a relationship with you.
Here’s an exception to the no contact rule, don’t use it if you accept the breakup unless you need to.
Sometimes, there’s nothing wrong with remaining in contact with your ex if the two of you agree that the relationship is over and remaining in contact is healthy.
It can actually be quite cathartic and helpful when two people help each other heal after a break up.
Related post: Does 30 day no contact rule work
Lessons learned from doing no contact
1. The first week is the hardest
I have to say, the first week of no contact is probably as painful as the breakup itself.
All you want to do is reach out to your ex and tell him/her how much you miss them.
You’ll be in a fight/flight state often and there’ll be many moments when you physically can’t handle not knowing how they are or what they’re doing.
Everything is going to remind you about your ex and you’ll miss them all the time.
But, by the time you get to the end of the first week, it becomes apparent that you can do this.
This has probably been the longest you’ve gone without talking to your ex intentionally and it only gets easier from this moment onward.
What I’ve realized is that you’ll have a lot of time on your hands now and if you do nothing, eventually, you’re going to get ridiculously bored and frustrated.
This will actually motivate you to do new things for yourself.
I just want to emphasize that once you get through the first week, momentum will carry you until it becomes a lot easier to manage with no contact.
Related post: How it feels to be in no contact
2. Viewing your ex’s social media is a recipe for disaster
People act unpredictably after a breakup. Your ex may leave social media or they may become very active.
The last thing you want to see is them talking or flirting with other people online.
It’s going to hurt you but worst of all, it’s going to trigger more feelings of anxiety and the fear of loss.
You’ll end up convincing yourself that no contact doesn’t work and you need to contact your ex.
This is something your brain conjures up out of desperation and fear.
Instead, I would recommend leaving social media for some time or unfollowing your ex’s posts.
You don’t need to unfriend him or her unless there’s no option to mute their posts.
Trust me, it’s just better to avoid their social media because it’s not worth it to see snapshots of them living their life and being ‘so happy’ when you’re suffering right now.
Even if they aren’t really happy, it’s just not productive for you to focus on them when your primary focus needs to be on your own wellbeing and happiness.
3. Trying to move on too quickly will make you miss your ex more
I remember in the past when I went through a breakup with someone I was in a relationship with for a few years.
Within like a month or two I was already chatting to new girls and meeting them.
It wasn’t that I didn’t love my ex. On the contrary, I was still very much in love with her but I was rebounding and didn’t realize it.
Here’s the kicker, despite the wonderful people I met, I always left feeling weird and off because I was still into my ex.
This resulted in me feeling terribly heartbroken at times and jaded.
Worst of all, I ruined the possibility of having a good relationship with some wonderful people because I prematurely entered the dating scene.
I just want to also mention that it made me extremely unhappy.
You can’t substitute one person for another.
That’s not how it works.
You need to get over your ex before trying to build a connection with someone else or else you’ll end up comparing them and ruining your chances with someone new and awesome.
It was only when I intentionally stepped away from dating people and focused on being on my own that I was actually able to be happy again.
Soon thereafter, I met my next partner.
4. You’re capable of overcoming a lot pain
Let me tell you something, we are resilient creatures. The things we are capable of overcoming is truly phenomenal.
During my relationships, I would think that it’s impossible for me to live without my partner.
I often worried about how I would survive if the relationship ended.
Each time, I’d prove myself wrong and end up living just fine without them.
We underestimate what we are capable of doing on our own.
Successfully doing no contact has taught me that it works to build confidence and self respect.
These two attributes will improve your life, your relationship with yourself and your relationship with others in the future.
Even if I wasn’t able to re-attract an ex or two, no contact does work to help you move on and be happy again because it forces you to face and overcome one of your biggest fears.
Related post: 5 Signs the no contact rule is working
If someone were to ask me whether I recommend no contact, the answer would be a resounding Yes! I believe that no contact does work and it it one of the most effective tools for moving on as well as getting your ex back.
It may be difficult at times but you’re going to be quite happy and thankful in a few weeks or months when you’re no longer chained to the past and your ex.
Trust me when I tell you that everything will be okay in the future and you’re going to be happy again.
Stay strong during no contact and eventually, you’ll move past all this pain and suffering.
With that being said, I hope you found this article on does no contact work to be insightful, concise and practical. Please feel free to leave your questions and thoughts in the comment section below.