It’s common to say that someone with a fearful avoidant attachment style is averse to intimacy or commitment at times. When overwhelmed, they pull away from others or push people away from them. It’s often unexpected and quite sudden, leaving you with a sense of confusion and fear over losing them. When they pull away, do fearful avoidants want you to chase them?
Fearful avoidants do not want you to chase them while they are overwhelmed or fearful over the idea of serious commitment. When they are pushing you away, they want you to stay away. When they are fearful of loneliness, that’s when they want you to chase them so that they can feel validated, loved, and comforted.
Being with a fearful avoidant requires you to exercise a great deal of emotional self-control. What you’ll notice is that they run hot and cold quite frequently and almost unexpectedly.
Unless they are good communicators and self-aware, you’ll be met with random flare ups of avoidance without much warning.
Understandably, this would make anyone feel scared. The natural reaction to this situation may be to chase the avoidant or insist on spending time together.
You may suggest communicating with the fearful avoidant to understand and support them. But, rather than being met halfway, your attempts will be ignored or dismissed.
In most cases, it will have an adverse effect on the fearful avoidant.
You need to read this article: What is the worst attachment style for relationships?
Chasing Fearful Avoidants Turns Them Off
There are very few cases when chasing someone is an appropriate solution to a romantic problem.
Being dismissed or avoided isn’t remedied in this manner.
In fact, more often than not, people who chase a fearful avoidant end up getting ghosted, blocked, dumped, or completely ignored.
This brings me to the crux of this article. The best response to a fearful avoidant is no response at all.
In other words, giving them the space to work through their own fearful avoidant tendencies without pushing them to communicate or make things work is the ideal reaction.
Just because someone is a fearful avoidant doesn’t mean they are immune to the same fears and desires as a securely attached individual.
The fearful avoidant also yearns for love, companionship, attention, and some validation. They also fear loss and yearn for true connection.
During a bout of fear over commitment or expectations, they may seek out the comforting arms of solitude, but that is not a permanent desire.
As soon as their nervous system calms down and they exit the fight or flight state, that’s when they default back to their original desires and fears.
At that point, if you don’t chase the fearful avoidant, they will miss you or experience a great deal of uncertainty or doubt over their decision to leave you or push you away.
What we know from experience is that distance makes the heart grow fonder. Similarly, giving someone space is an effective way to make them miss you, as long as you are kind and dignified towards them.
Don’t get me wrong, though.
The fearful avoidant wants you to chase them when they begin to experience bouts of loneliness and doubt so that they can feel comforted.
It’s more a desire for self-preservation than it is for reconciliation.
This is why it’s dangerous to chase a fearful avoidant when they pull away.
You’re feeding into a bad cycle.
It’s akin to rewarding the fearful avoidant for engaging in self-sabotage behavior in a relationship.
If there’s no fear of permanent loss, what’s stopping the fearful avoidant from pushing you away whenever they feel like it?
What’s motivating the fearful avoidant to work on their attachment style so that they can have a better relationship?
That’s the danger of chasing a fearful avoidant.
If you’re in the courtship phase, chasing them will only solidify their aversion to commitment. We must always remember that the best forms of love and romantic relationships stem from a mutual desire to be together.
When people talk about how relationships require both individuals to show up, what they mean is that both people should have the intention to serve the relationship.
With good intentions, anything is possible, especially in a romantic relationship.
I’ve seen people with a fearful avoidant attachment style have incredibly loving and healthy relationships because they intended to show up for their relationship every single day.
It wasn’t easy, and they didn’t expect their partner to chase them.
Instead, what they wanted was to have the best kind of partner.
A fearful avoidant who wants you to chase them isn’t thinking about what’s best for the relationship, and that is a problem.
You need to read this article: Walking away from an avoidant
Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Chase The Fearful Avoidant
Here’s a quick look at why you shouldn’t chase fearful avoidants. This is based on personal experience and the accounts of many people who have been in this exact situation before.
- It makes them more fearful of commitment.
- It scares them off because they feel overwhelmed and cornered.
- It rewards them for pushing you away.
- It re-enforces and validates their unhealthy behavior in a romantic relationship.
- It diminishes your value in the relationship given that you are subjected to chasing someone to be with you.
- It is disrespectful to yourself.
- It will make you feel insecure if they only come back because you had to chase them.
Two people who act out of fear are in great danger of ruining their relationship and their own security within that relationship.
I am of the opinion that the best decisions in romantic relationships come from a place of secure love and power.
It may be scary to let the fearful avoidant pull away but as long as you are being a good partner and you are respectful to the relationship and yourself, then there’s no need to have any regrets.
Never sacrifice all your respect and dignity in pursuit of someone.
Not only will you lose respect for yourself, but they will in turn lose respect for you.
Without respect, love cannot and will not exist.
That’s the bottom line.
So, for these reasons, you should not chase fearful avoidants, even if they want you to. There’s a fine line between pursuing each other and chasing each other. Don’t indulge someone who wants you to chase them like a lovesick puppy.
Let them know that you care a great deal about them but that you are not willing to chase after them.
You need to read this article: When to leave an avoidant partner
Look, even if fearful avoidants want you to chase, why would you? Isn’t the point of being in a romantic relationship to love each other?
If so, how is being made to chase them a loving thing?
It doesn’t make sense to me, and whenever I think about whether I would do something like this ever again, I can’t bring myself to.
Desperation, apart from in the pursuit of personal accomplishments, has never resulted in anything good or lasting for me. That has been the experience of most people, especially romantically.
The best relationships come from a place of security, dignity, respect, and mutual desire.
Someone with a fearful avoidant attachment style shouldn’t want you to chase them.
Instead, they should want to build a connection and coping mechanisms that lessen the impact of their attachment style.
With that being said, I hope you found this article on do fearful avoidants want you to chase them insightful and eye-opening. If you would like to work with me through an issue like this, check out my service page for information on how to get in contact with me.