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Do Avoidants Care When You Leave? (The Truth)

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When an avoidant leaves or pushes you away, it’s devastating. You’re left confused and heartbroken. You may feel like your only option at this point is to leave. Perhaps, you’re grappling with this question, do avoidants care when you leave? Here’s the truth.

Avoidants do care when you leave because their attachment style does not completely affect their ability to fall in love. When avoidants get over their desire to run away from expectations and commitment, ordinary emotions of loss are experienced.

This is one of the stages talked about in the fearful avoidant cycle.

Whenever the avoidant finds themselves back at square one, their loneliness and desire for love fire up again.

That is when they feel a great deal of pain and discomfort as a result of ending a relationship or losing someone, even if it is their fault.

Then, to escape those feelings, the avoidant comes back or goes on to date other people. 

I’ve been involved with avoidants in the past and I understand how confusing and upsetting it is when they self-sabotage.

They can be wonderful individuals who add so much love, joy, and depth to your life, but when the effects of their attachment style flare up, it’s like they invite unnecessary drama into the relationship and your life.

Often, to get away, avoidants may turn cold and act as if they don’t care.

This is usually a defense mechanism designed to protect the avoidant from experiencing the guilt, shame, anxiety, and sadness of hurting their partner.

To us, it comes across as if they don’t care at all or that they are a different person now.

But, this is usually a side to the avoidant that only comes out when they are in flight or flee mode. 

You need to read this article: How long does it take for fearful avoidants to come back?

How To Tell If Avoidants Care About You

do avoidants care about you

Whether the avoidant cares when you leave depends on your history and bond with them.

If the avoidant barely has any experiences with you and it hasn’t been more than a few weeks since you met, the chances that the avoidant cares when you leave is low.

Any serious relationship extended over a period of time will definitely result in strong feelings of care.

Think about this for a second.

If you were a loving partner who provided attention, support, comfort, joy, and love to the avoidant, wouldn’t they enjoy all of that?

If they enjoyed it, and if you provided all of this over an extended period of time, it’s only natural for the avoidant to associate feeling all those things with you.

Desiring all of the above is a part of the human condition.

When you leave, the avoidant still has those desires, and you will come to mind whenever they miss feeling those things.

Usually, an avoidant will bounce in and out of your life frequently when they care about you.

On the one hand, they have romantic feelings for you and are attached to you.

On the other hand, their avoidant attachment style makes them sabotage your relationship with them.

It influences their behavior in such a way that they come across as uncaring and disconnected.

If you notice that the avoidant genuinely appears chaotic, it is usually a sign of inner conflict.

The conflict in question is between the romantic feelings your avoidant partner has for you and their feelings of avoidance that stem from their fears and anxieties.

You need to read this article: What are avoidants attracted to?

Don’t Remain In Contact With An Avoidant Who Dumped You

no contact with avoidants

The important thing to remember is that you have to leave in order for the avoidant to miss you.

Far too many people believe that if they play a game with the avoidant, things will change.

“If I leave for a few days or a few weeks, he or she will realize that they can lose me forever, and this will make them change.”

It won’t.

In fact, what it will teach the avoidant is that they can get you back after a couple days or weeks of pushing you away.

Things will be worse.

And the avoidant will respond less emotionally as they grow accustomed to you taking them back.

If you are going to leave, you must mean it.

Leave with the intention to heal and move on from this relationship.

It’s the only way to truly give yourself a chance to move on and to win the other person back if they ended the relationship for no good reason.

If you chase the avoidant or agree to be friends, you will only help the avoidant move on.

Over time, you’ll give away all your attention, affection, support, and love because that’s what you are comfortable doing when you are in contact with the avoidant.

You have absolutely no leverage anymore, and the avoidant can string you along and get everything they want from a relationship without having an actual relationship with you.

For the avoidant to reconsider their decision, they need to experience the suffering and discomfort caused by your absence.

Most people overestimate their dating prospects before ending a relationship.

They assume that everything will be easy because they still have access to you.

We can try to prepare for a breakup, even as dumpers, but we cannot truly mitigate or prevent the feelings of discomfort and pain that come from losing access to someone we care or cared about.

There is a grieving process for everyone, including the dumper.

During this phase, most dumpers experience remorse for hurting the other person. Also, they go through discomfort caused by change, loneliness, and doubt or uncertainty.

Your silence will only amplify these feelings, especially if the avoidant cares about you.

That’s the point when there’s a great chance the avoidant will come back.

You need to read this article: When to leave an avoidant partner.

Final Thoughts

When trying to figure out if avoidants care, just listen to your gut.

Most of us are able to suspect when someone genuinely cares about us or not.

Often, we deny reality and fight against the voice of reason that is trying to tell us the truth.

If you truly believe in your heart that the avoidant cares about you, then let that provide you with comfort.

Eventually, they’ll come back in some way to validate that.

If they didn’t, you’ll know it and eventually accept it.

Also, their actions will eventually prove you to be right.

What I want for you is happiness, love, and peace. So, instead of focusing on leaving the avoidant to get them back, how about you focus on healing and attracting the right person for you?

Take some time to process your emotions and prioritize what’s best for you.

It takes a great deal of self-respect and dignity to walk away from someone you care about who isn’t willing to participate in the relationship.

Be proud of yourself for that.

Furthermore, it is a fact that someone who doesn’t respect you will never love you. And for someone to respect you, it is of paramount importance that you behave with self-respect.

That is what you did here.

Take comfort in that.

At the end of the day, I’m pretty sure that the avoidant respects you now at the very least.

With that being said, I hope this article on whether or not avoidants care when you leave was helpful and eye-opening. If you have any questions, please feel free to let me know in the comment section below. If you would like to work with me through an issue with an avoidant, check out my services page for information on my email consultations.

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