When dealing with an avoidant, it’s really hard to tell whether their avoidant attachment style is causing problems in the courtship or relationship or if they simply don’t care about you. In this article, I’m going to provide a comprehensive answer and discussion based on my research and experience with attachment styles to the following question – Do avoidants actually care about you?
Yes, absolutely. Avoidants do actually care about you despite their aversion to commitment, expectations, or confrontation. An attachment style doesn’t negate a person’s ability to feel emotions for another person. The problem some of us have is that we assume that an attachment style supersedes human needs, which is absolutely incorrect.
A person could be fearfully avoidant of commitment while simultaneously craving closeness, companionship, and intimacy with someone.
It’s the conflict between their attachment style and natural desire that results in chaotic and confusing relationship dynamics.
People who find themselves wondering if avoidants care about them do so after experiencing the highs and lows of a confusing courtship.
On the one hand, the avoidant exhibits behavior that is in line with someone who cares about you. They show interest, desire, affection, and attention.
But, on the other hand, they pull away and close up when you try to escalate the relationship or start to pursue them.
Whenever you try to proactively take a step towards them, you’re met with uncertainty and a pushback that leaves you feeling rejected. With rejection come feelings of insecurity and inadequacy that influence you to seek out validation from the person who triggered these emotions in the first place.
So, the more you try to elicit feelings of love and attachment from the avoidant, and the more rejection or walls you face, the worse you feel.
This crazy pattern that eventually ends in ultimate rejection can only be broken if you can stop being reactive to the avoidant person’s behavior during a “flare up”.
Furthermore, the avoidant needs to willingly communicate discomfort rather than acting on it by pushing you away and making you feel rejected or unloved.
But, even this idea has to be something the avoidant comes up with or accepts willingly. Trying to force feed this approach to the avoidant may result in further rejection or even ghosting.
You need to read this article: Can you re-attract someone who lost interest?
Are You Causing The Avoidant To Push You Away?
Ever since attachment styles have been discussed more readily, I’ve noticed an uptick in the number of people who lack courtship skills latching onto this explanation for why they are facing rejection or a tumultuous relationship.
To some degree, it definitely plays a role in the courtship, but I would argue that certain actions being taken are far more detrimental to the courtship than the attachment style of their partner.
There are certain things that are off-putting to people, irrespective of their attachment style.
- Insecurity manifesting in the constant need for validation.
- The escalation of romantic interest too quickly.
- Demanding commitment too quickly.
- Love bombing.
- Over communication without space or boundaries.
Eradicate and remove these behaviors from your love life to drastically improve your desirability and success at courtship.
You need to read this article: 16 Reasons why people ignore you
What Are Avoidants Attracted To?
Women want to feel as if they are in a love story, and men want to feel as if they are the heroes women have been searching for.
It’s a very broad explanation, but it holds true for the majority of people.
In almost every romantic novel, women describe the intoxicating experience of being courted by a man who shows desire but inspires her to pursue him.
His presence and actions are romantic without desperately yearning to lock her down.
He leads her through the courtship and allows her to experience and express her emotions freely and without judgment. He does not force her to feel anything. He simply shows up, firmly centered in his masculine frame, and allows her to experience both the strong and gentle sides of him.
In turn, she does the same, at the exclusion of other men’s interest or attempts to court her. She relies on him more and nurtures the love between them with her passion and kindness, firmly rooted in her feminine frame.
To both of them, they are the only ones who matter romantically, and at that point, the natural result of such desire is commitment.
Neither individual engages in the desperate coercion of commitment or love. Neither individual compromises their character or self-respect to win the approval of the other. Neither individual acts with a motive during the expression of desire or love.
This is why the man who supposedly could never be tamed by anyone excitedly marries this woman he falls in love with, and this woman, with ample choices in suitors, has an unending desire to be with this man and him alone.
The way you show up in life can affect the way others behave toward you.
People overcome themselves and obstacles all the time.
When they are motivated and driven by a strong and unbreakable reason to overcome their self-defeating behavior, they’ll stop at nothing to do so.
If you show up to a courtship with the right mentality, attitude, and behavior, you’ll have less of a problem courting people with any attachment style than you do right now.
I’ve seen people with a fiercely avoidant attachment style chase others for a relationship.
Because they obviously loved that person, but more importantly, their attachment style was not given center stage to control the flow of the courtship.
If they were not willing to compromise or work at having a loving relationship, the other person would not be willing to tolerate that.
The other person was not willing to compromise and completely diminish their self worth in the desperate pursuit of a relationship with the avoidant.
To behave this way requires a great deal of self respect, emotional control, and strong leadership or maturity.
These are highly coveted traits in people because they are considered valuable, scarce, and difficult to hone.
They’re incredibly attractive to people and play a huge role in why avoidants can end up pursuing a relationship with the person who possesses these traits.
You need to read this article: Do fearful avoidants want you to chase?
How To Tell If An Avoidant Cares About You
Ultimately, trust needs to exist between the two of you.
If the avoidant has been nothing but honest with you, then that’s a good sign to trust them.
If their actions align with their words, then we can rely on the following signs that an avoidant cares about you.
In other words, the prerequisite for using this list is trustworthiness.
- The avoidant initiates and expresses affection towards you.
- The avoidant takes an active interest in your well being.
- The avoidant appears visibly and genuinely upset when they have done something to hurt you.
- The avoidant shows a keen desire and effort to make you feel heard, seen, and understood.
- The avoidant does things to make you feel loved.
- The avoidant doesn’t ignore your attempts to communicate frequently.
- The avoidant doesn’t lie to you.
- The avoidant isn’t spinning the same story with other people. In other words, the avoidant isn’t a player.
- The avoidant misses you at times.
- The avoidant is invested in you.
Personally, these are broad and important signs that an avoidant cares about you.
So, even if they’re pushing you away in one way, it shouldn’t appear as if you’re just a nobody to them who they ignore, overlook, undervalue, and take advantage of.
An avoidant who checks off the items on this list will be accessible to you, expressive, communicative, and eager to see you at times. If you feel a great deal of doubt about whether the avoidant loves you outside of their aversion to commitment or something else, then it’s more likely a sign of low interest and care.
You need to read this article: Do avoidants care when you leave?
I hope that by reading this article on whether or not avoidants actually care about you, it becomes much clearer to you how avoidants think and behave in courtships and relationships.
At the end of the day, if someone genuinely cares about you, those feelings of love and connection will be palpable. Even if they battle with avoidant issues, what shouldn’t be difficult to observe is their care for you.
If you have to dig deep and overanalyze their behavior to construct a narrative in which they might care about you, then they probably don’t.
I have to be honest with you, which is why I’m being so straightforward.
If they don’t care about you, stop trying to make them. That’s not how this works. You deserve to respect yourself enough to be with people who care about you or who make an effort to care for you.
Anything less is a disservice to yourself, especially if you are making the effort to be caring.
That brings us to the end of this article on do avoidants actually care about you. If you’d like to re-attract an ex or someone who lost interest in you, grab a copy of my eBook called Reconcile or contact me for personal guidance via email consultation by visiting my services page.