Relationships with an avoidant are bittersweet. It begins beautifully until you hit a wall that blocks you from having the type of relationship with them you dream of. Suddenly, an avoidant will backtrack or pull away without warning. I’ve been in this situation, and I want to share what I’ve learned from dating an avoidant.
Not every avoidant presents the same extremities. In fact, an avoidant attachment style doesn’t have to dictate the willingness and likelihood of someone having a serious relationship.
There are people with an avoidant attachment style who actively seek out commitment and are capable of it. Their attachment style may flare up in certain ways, but never to the degree that prevents them from being in a happy and committed relationship.
Someone like that may avoid arguments or struggle with opening up during difficult times. But, for the most part, they’re present and willing to commit themselves to the process of cultivating a relationship, even if it’s harder for them to do so.
Then there are avoidants, whose attachment style completely governs them.
A courtship or relationship with them can be compared to a rollercoaster ride, full of ups and downs.
What You Need To Know About Dating An Avoidant
They may or may not be aware of their attachment style
Just because some of us are aware of attachment styles and our blind spots, that doesn’t mean everyone else is as well.
Sometimes, you may cross paths with an avoidant who is amazing in many regards but is completely in denial about their issues with avoidance.
They could be so blinded by their own excuses that they remain trapped within a toxic cycle that never ends.
You can try to help them understand their attachment style and offer suggestions on how to manage it, but you can’t do it for them.
Some people don’t want to change because it’s too uncomfortable for them.
As much as you can fantasize about how wonderful things could be if they would just learn about their attachment style, you might have to accept that you won’t have that type of relationship with them.
Related article: How to make your avoidant ex miss you
They push and pull without warning
The ebb and flow of emotions that accompany everyday life will always present a degree of uncertainty and challenges for people.
An avoidant who is a slave to their fluctuating emotions will react to this by running hot and cold unexpectedly and sporadically.
I was completely unprepared for this, and it triggered my fear of abandonment to the next level.
Rather than remain calm and centered, I reacted to the avoidant pulling away from me with more effort to connect.
The more they pulled away, the more I tried to pull them closer.
As you can imagine, the balance of power in the relationship was completely skewed, and I was on an uncontrollable roller coaster ride because of it.
When someone is pulling away from you for no reason other than their fear of commitment or aversion to it, you can’t win them back by chasing them.
In fact, one could argue that there aren’t many circumstances that dictate the use of persistent pursuit.
Unless you were behaving terrible with your partner and displayed nothing but coldness and a lack of effort, you shouldn’t chase your avoidant partner.
It will only push them away.
By all means, make an effort and honor yourself, but not at the total expense of yourself.
Related article: How do you keep a fearful avoidant interested?
Relationship labels usually have to be their idea
Avoidants struggle with submission to control if there’s a degree of expectation and uncertainty placed on them.
As someone who struggles to take things slowly, escalating the courtship into a relationship with an avoidant too quickly can trigger their aversion to commitment.
Rather than seamlessly progressing into a relationship, they’ll de-escalate things to a level that feels less stressful or scary to them.
This can be mitigated by allowing the avoidant to express clear signs of desire for commitment before bringing up labels.
All you have to do is take things slow and focus on the courtship itself.
Every avoidant still yearns for true love and connection. That can be tapped into when you allow them to come to you at their pace.
If you try to escalate the relationship too quickly, they’ll likely pull away.
On the flip side, you also have to accept that if an avoidant person doesn’t want to commit after months or even years of being in a certain type of relationship with you, it might be time to walk away because they may never pull the trigger and fully commit.
Related article: Can an avoidant and secure relationship work?
You have to be secure and patient with them
When you’re in a relationship with someone who distances themselves at the sign of escalation or commitment or grapples with insecurity, it’s going to trigger feelings of insecurity and anxiety within you.
You cannot cultivate a healthy relationship with an avoidant without being in control of your own emotions.
When speaking of controlling emotions, it doesn’t mean that you should be able to select what emotions you feel or don’t feel.
It’s about being in control of yourself, regardless of how you feel.
Two people who are displaying insecurity, anxiety, and fear about the relationship will often clash and affect each other negatively.
The best way to disarm an avoidant who is freaking out is to remain calm, centered, and secure.
When they need space, be confident and secure enough to give it to them, even if you feel a pressing need to close the distance.
Not only does this freedom or space help the avoidant calm down and think clearly, but it also doesn’t perpetuate a cycle of you chasing the avoidant whenever they’re triggered.
At the same time, seeing things clearly and calmly will often help you make better long-term decisions for the relationship and for yourself.
Related article: Do avoidants actually care about you?
I really think that dating is a waste of time.
I know that this will rub people the wrong way, but it’s just how I feel.
When you set out to find a life partner for marriage, your energy will just repel those who are not in the market with the same intention.
You get to bypass those who are not ready or willing to commit when you detach from the unnecessary desire to date.
That’s the biggest lesson that I learned from dating an avoidant.
The whole concept of dating is silly when you are driven by the desire to marry and start a family of your own.
Rather than giving away precious energy and love to people who are not able to commit, you can preserve it and share it with someone who is able and ready to commit.
If you are someone with an avoidant attachment style, seek out a better relationship with yourself and a vision for the future that includes marriage and family.
You’d be shocked at how much strength and wisdom you gain from creating a strong and compelling desire for marriage. So much so that you may just find yourself overcoming and handling your attachment style with grace.
With that being said, I hope you enjoyed this article on everything I wish I knew before dating an avoidant. If you’d like to get an ex back or re-attract an avoidant, grab a copy of my eBook by clicking here. Alternatively, reach out to me for email coaching by visiting my services page for more information.