It is true that an avoidant attachment style is prone to ending relationships and avoiding commitment. You may have been dating or married to an avoidant who suddenly bailed on your relationship. It stings, I know. If you still love them, I’m pretty sure that you’re obsessing about the following question, can you get your avoidant ex back?
Yes, you can get our avoidant ex back but the process of doing so is incredibly difficult because it requires you to let go of them altogether. In other words, you can reattract an avoidant ex by not taking any actions to win them back other than walking away on good terms.
The reason why it’s so difficult to get an avoidant ex back is that your emotional reaction to losing them fuels their avoidant personality.
So, when you are in crisis mode, your default position is to do everything you can to remedy the situation at hand.
In a crisis, people are emotionally, physically and vocally volatile.
You’re completely reactive to everything outside of you and your inner world has been shaken.
Few people possess the inner strength and structure to control themselves despite being shaken by an external circumstance.
Others, like you and I, have to consciously and intentionally work on stabilizing our internal emotional base, at least to the point of thinking more rationally.
When you are emotionally reactive to a breakup and you want to get your avoidant ex back, you’re probably doing one of the following things:
- Arguing and fighting.
- Declaring your love and desire.
- Using logical arguments to affect an emotional decision.
- Begging and pleading for your avoidant ex to come back.
- Lashing out.
- Trying to make them jealous of other people.
- Using ‘tactics’ in hopes of triggering your ex to miss you.
- Pretending to be happy online to make your ex reconsider leaving you.
When you behave in this emotionally erratic, overwhelming and insecure manner, do you really believe that your ex is going to have a change of heart?
You’re not even dealing with someone who has a healthy and secure attachment style.
An avoidant attachment style is constantly pushing people and things away that cause an uncomfortable emotional reaction.
Those behaviors only fuel their discomfort and anxiety.
So, the premise of this article is that you can get an avoidant ex back by acting in a manner that nullifies their avoidant attachment style.
Related post: Why can’t I move on from my ex?
What Will Your Avoidant Ex Try To Avoid After A Breakup?
1. Guilt and shame
He or she is going to do his or her best to avoid experiencing the guilt of breaking your heart.
Seeing you fall apart is going to cause extreme levels of discomfort. They may try to console you because they care about your well-being.
But, their avoidance and anxiety are going to be screaming at them like a drill sergeant to run in the opposite direction.
People who end relationships feel awful. Unless you’re dealing with a narcissist, it hurts to reject or dump someone you cared about.
Even with a secure attachment style, you can’t help but feel some degree of guilt and shame for breaking the heart of someone who is good.
You may not want to stick around to see it because it hurts you.
Imagine the level of guilt and discomfort felt by someone who is avoidant!
So, if you’re falling to pieces over your ex leaving in front of him or her, it’s possible that this may push them away further.
2. Begging and pleading
An avoidant has just made a decision to end a relationship.
Do you think begging and pleading with him or her to be in the relationship is going to make them feel comfortable reconsidering their decision or overwhelmed and overly avoidant of doing so?
It’s the latter.
Not only are you going to make him or her feel certain about breaking up but you’re going to make them run away from you all together and not come back.
3. Intimate emotional connection
Rather than being soft, compassionate and open to support, you may find that your avoidant ex has turned to stone.
He or she is cold and non-responsive to you at times. Their responses are devoid of emotions and they behave as if you’re just an acquaintance.
It may be upsetting to you. It would be to me. But, to the avoidant ex, they’re just trying to get away from all emotions that may be overly uncomfortable and unsettling after mustering up the courage to make a drastic change in your life.
So, rather than showing vulnerability, their walls go up relatively fast.
Related post: Do avoidants regret breaking up?
How To Get An Avoidant Ex Back
1. Let them go
The problem with avoidants who end a healthy and good relationship out of fear and discomfort is that they romanticize the idea of finally being comfortable and free of suffering if they can be alone again or with someone else.
The problem is that life isn’t one-dimensional and the problems or voids you had before your relationship will most likely show up in your relationship and outside of it.
So, by letting the avoidant ex leave, you’re speeding up the process in which they transition from excitement over their newfound freedom to discomfort from the massive change in their life.
Once they start experiencing the consequences of their decision, it will humble them and also bring them back down to earth.
In other words, they’ll look at life more realistically and this may be all that’s needed for them to realize that it wasn’t the relationship or you that actually caused the discomfort.
2. Initiate no contact
An avoidant ex wants to avoid discomfort and seeks easy solutions to complex problems.
When he or she starts to feel alone and experiences the grief of loss resulting from a broken romantic relationship, they’re going to seek out your attention in a manner that does not commit to anything.
They’ll reach out for validation and comfort without actually wanting to get back.
Alternatively, they’ll continue to talk to you until they feel comfortable enough to be alone or let you go.
They may opt for friendship for the sole reason of avoiding the discomfort of ending your relationship.
Avoid this by going no contact if you do not want to be friends and you’re only interested in being romantically involved with your ex.
Related post: Does no contact work with an avoidant ex?
3. Walk away on good terms
As we discussed above, avoidants don’t like messy situations and if things turn ugly after the breakup, it creates too much distance and chaos for him or her to overcome.
They’re going to overthink the path back to you and opt to remain apart because the damage seems too drastic to fix.
Avoid this by simply stating how you feel, wish them well and walk away.
4. Don’t bring up having a relationship again
When your avoidant ex reaches out to you, it may be tempting to bring up exclusivity.
But, you shouldn’t and here’s why.
They need to win you back.
If they chose to end the relationship, it’s only right for them to take the necessary steps to create a new one.
And so, to avoid scaring them off while also sending a subtle message that you aren’t desperate to be exclusive with them, don’t bring up exclusivity.
If you find that your avoidant ex is just contacting you to get some validation and to throw you some useless breadcrumbs, keep the conversation extremely short and end it after a polite reply or two.
This is going to be difficult and you will experience doubt.
But, this is also a test.
If your ex truly wants to get back with you, it doesn’t matter if you ended the conversation before it got anywhere.
They’ll reach out and let you know exactly how they feel.
If they don’t, then it’s most likely that he or she was going to waste your time.
Related post: Why your avoidant ex wants to be friends
During this time, instead of focusing on getting your avoidant ex back, I would advise you to focus on getting to a space of being able to live life even if you can’t get them back.
The reason for doing this is simple.
Healing from a breakup requires you to do things that will empower you.
You’ll have to grow as a person, make peace with the past, invest in yourself and be self-caring.
All of these actions are extremely attractive and inviting.
If your ex decides to come back, they’re returning to a person who will be confident again, empowered, peaceful and fulfilled.
The chances of this reigniting their attraction for you and creating doubt or regret for dumping you are going to skyrocket.
Additionally and more importantly, if your ex doesn’t come back, you’d have used this time fruitfully and reached a point of healing that makes you a high valued man or woman.
You may cross paths with your next future partner and they’ll be completely enamored by you.
With that being said, I really hope that you found this article on can you get your avoidant ex back to be insightful, practical and clear. If you have any questions or thoughts that you would like to share with me on this topic, please do so by visiting the comment section below.