Can An Avoidant And Secure Relationship Work? (The Truth)

They claim that we attract who we are. Yet, far too often, opposites attract. You’ll find many people with a secure attachment style in love with an avoidant. It may not make logical sense, but love and desire are rarely logical. Be that as it may, can an avoidant and secure relationship work?

Yes, an avoidant and secure relationship can work, provided that the couple develops the necessary skills to overcome the shortcomings of an avoidant attachment style. They will need excellent communication, healthy boundaries, and coping tools when the avoidant wants to pull away or withdraw.

As much as it’s harder to develop a healthy and long lasting relationship with an avoidant, the truth is that all relationships have issues and obstacles that must be overcome.

Maturity and experience will teach you that love can be messy because life itself is messy.

Most of us will experience one or two catastrophes per year that test us. These issues can either make you or break you, depending on your attitude. It’s the exact same case for romantic relationships.

Those who have a growth mindset will search for ways to overcome obstacles and achieve what they want, whereas those with a fixed mindset will not.

As long as the couple has a growth mindset, they have a great chance of making their relationship work. 

But, the avoidant partner has to really step up to the plate.

Indulging their aversion to uncomfortable conversations will ruin the relationship. Even if they can’t control their need to pull away or distance themselves at times, they need to express this to their partner and be open to conversations.

This simple change could make a drastic difference in their relationship and its likelihood of working long term.

You need to read this article: How much space should you give an avoidant?

What Causes Relationships To Fail?

Here’s a list of the most common and notorious reasons why relationships fail. Use this list to equip yourself with knowledge and solutions for these problems to save your relationship from these pitfalls.

• Miscommunication.
• Failing to meet each other’s needs.
• Stonewalling after disagreements.
• A lack of boundaries.
• Trust issues or betrayal.
• Lack of emotional support.
• Lack of presence.

I think it is fair to say that all of these issues show up in a relationship with an avoidant to varying degrees.

When an avoidant pulls away from someone, stonewalls, or avoids commitment at different intervals of the relationship, it can create doubt, communication issues, uncertainty, a lack of closeness, and trust issues in the relationship.

Altogether, these issues can destroy the foundation of a relationship, which is why it is imperative that an avoidant and a secure person spend a lot of time working on communication and boundaries.

On the flip side, the secure partner needs to also express their love and security in a manner that empowers the avoidant.

By all means, have boundaries and don’t tolerate awful behavior from an avoidant, but at the same time, don’t berate, constantly criticize, and pressurize an avoidant who is struggling during a rough patch.

I’ve noticed that empathy, understanding, and patience have a profoundly healing effect on avoidants.

What we must remember is that not all avoidants are opposed to or averse to commitment.

In some cases, it is the extreme fear of being left, abandoned, or hurt that makes commitment appear scary to an avoidant.

If we can look beyond the fear of commitment and understand what the underlying emotions or issues are, we can empower and help avoidants overcome their childhood issues and attachment styles.

You need to read this article: What to do when an avoidant partner withdraws?

How To Make A Relationship Work With An Avoidant

Couples counseling is a wonderful tool for relationships that have a tumultuous path due to the attachment styles at play.

Rather than waiting for critical damage to occur, couples should consider seeking help and guidance in advance.

You’d be surprised at how therapeutic and empowering it is to have a third party with good intentions overlook your growth as a person and a partner.

A proactive attitude is what separates those who succeed at life and relationships from those who don’t.

Another useful mechanism to rely on is your gut instinct.

Your body will often pick up on unspoken signs of issues before your mind does. If couples can pay attention to these feelings and address it sooner rather than later, a relationship can work and be saved from a catastrophic end.

Avoidants tend to bottle up their negative feelings and pretend to be okay to avoid the discomfort that comes from the possibility of having an argument with their partner.

If the partner with a secure attachment style picks up on subtle changes in their behavior and has a gut instinct that something is wrong, they should vocalize this and proactively engage in a conversation about it while affirming a desire to be understanding and not confrontational.

Similarly, an avoidant should do the same thing.

They ought to introspect and differentiate between irrational fear and fear stemming from a legitimate concern. 

Then, take action to address their fears in ways that are grounded in reality and legitimacy rather than sweeping their concerns under the rug.

Most avoidants have triggers that cause them to react negatively. To prevent or mitigate these flare ups, it helps to identify these triggers together and work a way around them. 

If certain triggers are unavoidable, there should be a coping system in place that allows both the avoidant partner and the secure partner to feel safe with each other or during periods of space from each other.

Look, space is vital for any relationship.

Avoidants need space at times to feel unburdened, while secure partners naturally give space because they’re too busy living their lives.

So, it can work as long as that need for space is discussed and not weaponized to cause anxiety for each other.

You need to read this article: Why do avoidants ignore you?

Key Takeaways:

• An avoidant and secure relationship can work if the couple develops the necessary skills to overcome the problems they will face.
• The avoidant must communicate their needs and discomfort before pulling away or distancing themselves.
• The secure partner should allow affirm their love and commitment without chasing or enabling bad behavior by the avoidant.
• Preemptive action to prevent resentment and disconnection is crucial for the relationships to work.
• Couples should consider counseling or relationship workshops to learn about each other and how to navigate the differences in their attachment styles.

Final Thoughts

Being with an avoidant partner is not a relationship death sentence, despite what some people claim.

Even if we develop our attachment styles in childhood and it’s hard to replace them, people are capable of growth and change.

If alcoholics and drug addicts can develop systems, habits, and relationships that help them remain sober for decades, why would we write off someone who has an avoidant attachment style?

I just want to also emphasize that attachment styles are not the be-all and end-all of relationships. There are many people with a secure attachment style who struggle to cultivate long lasting and fulfilling relationships because they fail to overcome their own issues and lack the necessary skills to build a relationship.

All of us have blind spots, and we all could improve certain aspects of ourselves.

So, as long as an avoidant and secure person strives to grow together, they can make a relationship work.

That brings us to the end of this article on whether or not an avoidant and secure relationship can work. If you are going through a breakup and need help reattracting an ex, grab a copy of my ebook, Reconcile, by clicking here. Alternatively, work with me directly by checking out my services page.