Insecurity in a relationship can stem from a variety of factors, such as past experiences, low self-esteem, or fear of abandonment. In other instances, it stems from childhood trauma and neglect that was left unaddressed or worsened by difficulty in school and at home. Overcoming these feelings requires self-awareness, personal growth, and open communication.
More importantly, it involves self-care, self-love, and a willingness to be committed to oneself.
In that context, I wanted to share some of my personal anecdotes and general practices for overcoming insecurity in a relationship.
One thing to remember is that our feelings aren’t an immediate signal for action.
Sometimes, our feelings may betray our long-term goals and desires, which is why it’s instrumental to understand ourselves and why we feel a particular way within a relationship in any given situation.
Also, this article was written under the assumption that you are in a stable, loving, and secure relationship.
Sometimes, the source of your insecurity comes directly from the relationship itself and not you. In that case, it’s best not to ignore your feelings and address the relationship issues causing your insecurity.
With that being said, here are some strategies to help you stop being insecure in a relationship:
How To Stop Being Insecure In Your Relationship
1. Build Self-Confidence
Work on your self-esteem: Insecurity often comes from not feeling good enough. Focus on recognizing your strengths and valuing yourself for who you are.
Engage in activities that make you feel capable and confident. Building self-esteem can directly be correlated to actioning daily rituals that indulge your desire to self-care, grow, and develop as a person.
When you feel worthy of love, it’s difficult to walk around insecure in a relationship.
Set personal goals: Achieving personal goals outside the relationship can boost your self-worth and independence, reducing the need to seek constant validation from your partner. Another way to develop confidence is by keeping your promises.
I heard this in a podcast by Ed Mylett and he expressed how confidence multiplies when you can trust that you will show up and honor your word to yourself.
So, the next time you set personal goals, do so with commitment.
2. Challenge Negative Thoughts
Identify negative patterns: Pay attention to recurring thoughts of jealousy, fear, or doubt. These often come from assumptions or misconceptions rather than reality.
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Also, question self-defeating thoughts.
Ask yourself if they are rooted in genuine concern or if they are a product of past trauma, scrutiny, or criticism.
Replace negative thoughts with positive ones: When you catch yourself thinking “I’m not good enough” or “They’re going to leave me,” consciously replace it with more positive, realistic thoughts like “I bring value to this relationship” or “My partner loves me.”
Your thoughts can be reprogrammed but they require brute force.
If you can catch yourself whenever a negative thought pops into your mind and if you can replace that thought with something empowering, I’m quite certain you’ll build security in your relationship and life in general.
3. Communicate Openly with Your Partner
Express your feelings: If you’re feeling insecure, let your partner know calmly and honestly. I like to believe that a relationship should offer safety and peace.
One should not be afraid to seek comfort and confirmation from their partner, especially if the approach is dignified and respectful.
Sharing your vulnerabilities can bring you closer and help them understand your emotions.
Ask for reassurance when needed: It’s okay to ask for reassurance, but don’t make it a constant habit.
Balance your need for affirmation with building self-assurance. Also, when you observe that the reassurance given is coupled with actions that solidify the security of your relationship, it might just ease the insecurity you feel right now.
But what you shouldn’t do is constantly ask your partner to prove things to you because that could easily turn into a compulsion that’s never satisfied.
4. Trust Your Partner
Build trust: Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship. If you’re struggling to trust your partner, reflect on whether your concerns are based on their behavior or your fears.
Give your partner the benefit of the doubt unless there’s a valid reason for mistrust. At a certain point, it is imperative to exercise vulnerability.
There’s always going to be a risk of being hurt, but that comes with the territory of a romantic relationship.
The trade-off for dealing with insecurity and vulnerability is a relationship filled with love, passion, beauty, and companionship.
Avoid excessive checking: Constantly checking your partner’s social media, texts, or whereabouts will only fuel insecurity.
Focus on trusting their actions and words.
As you experience trustworthy behavior without acting on your fears or compulsions, you’ll notice a drastic reduction in misunderstanding, anxiety, and insecurity.
5. Focus on the Present
Let go of the past: Past experiences of betrayal or heartbreak can cause insecurities in a new relationship.
Try not to project past hurts onto your current partner. Focus on the present and how they treat you now.
It will be difficult at first, but like any intrusive thought, it’s important to recognize when you are getting triggered and take steps or precautions to avoid ruminating on those thoughts.
Stay mindful: Practice mindfulness to help you stay grounded in the present moment. This can help reduce anxious thoughts about what might happen in the future. Also, be open to accepting reality for what it is right now.
6. Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
Avoid social comparisons: Constantly comparing yourself to others, whether it’s your partner’s exes or people you see online, can breed insecurity.
Everyone’s journey is different, and comparison is rarely fair or constructive. I try to avoid social media because I can recognize the effect it has on my mind. Try it or restrict the amount of time you spend online so that you are present with your partner.
Keep in mind that there are a lot of gender war discussions and rage-baiting taking place online.
Avoid that pitfall like the plague!
Celebrate your uniqueness: Remember that your partner chose to be with you for who you are. Focus on your unique qualities that make you special in their eyes.
When your partner pays you a compliment, don’t just brush it off or dismiss it because of your insecurities.
Trust that they mean what they say, and allow those words of validation to soothe you.
7. Strengthen Emotional Independence
Maintain your own identity: Don’t lose yourself in the relationship.
Have your hobbies, friends, and interests that give you a sense of fulfillment outside of your partner.
Maintain your sense of individuality, and this will give you the mental and emotional strength to deal with insecurity in a relationship.
Avoid codependency: Insecurity runs wild in relationships where codependency is a feature. While closeness is important, becoming overly dependent on your partner for happiness can lead to insecurity.
Cultivate emotional independence by taking care of your own needs and emotions.
8. Practice Self-Compassion
Be kind to yourself: Insecurity often comes from being overly critical of yourself.
Treat yourself with the same kindness and compassion you would offer a friend who feels insecure.
If you are willing to be self-critical, be just as willing to be self-complimenting.
Acknowledge your feelings without judgment: Instead of pushing away feelings of insecurity, acknowledge them.
Accepting that you feel this way can help you better address the root cause. If your insecurity stems from your partner’s behavior, address it with them.
If it stems from something in your past or life, process it without acting on it within your relationship.
9. Focus on Healthy Boundaries
Set and respect boundaries: Boundaries create a sense of safety and respect in a relationship.
Define what’s important to you and communicate those boundaries clearly, while also respecting your partner’s. When those boundaries are being crossed, tap into your self-worth and bring it up.
This is how you develop a healthy relationship with your partner and with yourself!
Avoid controlling behavior: Trying to control your partner’s actions due to insecurity can lead to conflict.
Trust your partner’s ability to make decisions that respect the relationship. The more you exert control motivated by insecurity, the more insecure you will be.
You have to give your partner the freedom to choose you every single day. This is a long-term solution to insecurity and a worthy one.
10. Work on Self-Awareness
Identify the root of your insecurity: Reflect on where your insecurity comes from. Is it based on past experiences, fear of abandonment, or something else?
Understanding the source can help you address it more effectively.
Seek professional help if needed: If insecurities are deeply rooted, such as from childhood trauma or past relationship betrayals, therapy can provide tools to work through these emotions healthily.
11. Celebrate the Relationship
Focus on the positives: Remind yourself of the good aspects of your relationship. Celebrate your bond, shared memories, and how your partner makes you feel valued.
Practice gratitude: Regularly express gratitude for your partner and the relationship. Focusing on what you’re grateful for can shift your mindset away from fear and toward appreciation.
Counting your blessings daily has been reported to positively affect depression.
12. Avoid Seeking Constant Validation
Rely on inner validation: While external validation feels good, constantly seeking it can make you dependent on others for your self-worth.
Learn to validate your own emotions, achievements, and decisions.
Focus on your value: Know that you bring unique value to the relationship. Reaffirming this belief will help you feel secure in your place within the partnership.
13. Trust in the Process
Give your relationship time to grow: Insecurity often arises from uncertainty, especially in the early stages of a relationship.
Allow time for the relationship to evolve naturally without rushing or pushing for guarantees. When you allow someone to choose you, it diminishes the need to chase or be desperate for love.
If that isn’t a recipe for a loving and secure relationship, I don’t know what is!
Be patient with yourself and your partner: Building security and trust takes time. Be patient with yourself as you work on overcoming insecurity and with your partner as they support you.
As long as you make an effort to avoid disrespectful and disparaging behavior when you feel insecure, chances are such that a loving partner will work with you to dissipate most of your insecurities and fears in the relationship.