Dealing with ups and downs in your relationship is a given. Differing opinions, bad days, or general misunderstandings can often create periods of issues with your partner. While the ebbs and flows of a relationship are normal, our behavior during the highs and lows can significantly impact the trust, connection, and respect we share with our partners.
To navigate these ups and downs, let’s go over some advice from experts who have counseled and guided couples into long-lasting, happy relationships.
1. Practice “Emotional Bids”
According to renowned relationship psychologist Dr. John Gottman, couples make “emotional bids” for connection, which can be as simple as a smile, a question, or a request for attention. Successful couples recognize and respond to these bids with enthusiasm and respect.
Psychological Tip: Pay attention to and engage with your partner’s attempts to connect, no matter how small, rather than ignoring them. These small moments strengthen intimacy and emotional connection over time.
2. Use the 5:1 Ratio
Gottman’s research also suggests that successful couples maintain a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. For every negative interaction (like a disagreement), aim for five positive ones (such as a compliment, hug, or shared laugh).
Psychological Tip: After arguments, work on bringing positivity back into the relationship through humor, appreciation, or affection. This helps counterbalance negativity and reinforces a positive bond.
3. The “Two-Minute Hug” Technique
Some psychologists, including Dr. Sue Johnson, recommend physical touch as a way to calm stress and increase connection. Hugging for at least two minutes triggers the release of oxytocin, the “love hormone,” which fosters emotional closeness.
Psychological Tip: Try practicing a long hug daily, especially during tense moments, to reconnect and release tension.
4. Reappraisal Technique (Perspective Shift)
Cognitive-behavioral techniques can help couples reframe negative thoughts. When feeling upset, psychologists recommend “cognitive reappraisal,” which involves seeing the situation from a different perspective, often through your partner’s lens.
Psychological Tip: When conflict arises, pause and ask yourself, “How might my partner feel in this situation?” This practice can increase empathy and reduce defensiveness during disagreements.
5. “Couple Mindfulness” Practices
Mindfulness, widely studied in psychological research, can enhance relationships by promoting nonjudgmental awareness of the present moment. This reduces stress and fosters emotional regulation.
Psychological Tip: Practice mindful moments together, such as silent walks, mindful breathing exercises, or simply sitting quietly for a few minutes. This shared presence helps partners stay grounded, especially during emotional turbulence.
6. The “Soft Start-Up” Approach
Psychologists suggest that how you bring up an issue can affect how it unfolds. Gottman’s research shows that couples who start conversations gently (soft start-up) instead of with criticism or anger have a much better chance of resolving issues calmly.
Psychological Tip: Begin conversations about tough topics with a gentle tone, soft language, and the intent to resolve the issue, not to accuse. Use phrases like “I feel” rather than “You always.”
7. Couples Journaling
Some therapists recommend that couples keep a shared journal where they write down thoughts, feelings, and reflections about their relationship. This allows both partners to express themselves in a non-confrontational way and creates an opportunity to review progress.
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Psychological Tip: Try writing positive notes or reflections to each other regularly. It can serve as a reminder of shared goals and what you appreciate about your partner, even during difficult times.
8. Engage in Novel Experiences Together
Psychology professors like Arthur Aron have found that couples who engage in novel and exciting activities together often experience greater relationship satisfaction. The brain’s reward centers are activated when experiencing new things, which boosts connection.
Psychological Tip: Try doing something new or out of your routine together—whether it’s taking a class, going on a spontaneous adventure, or exploring a new hobby. Shared novel experiences can reignite the “butterflies” feeling and bring joy into the relationship.
9. Use “Couple Contracts” for Problem-Solving
Inspired by behavioral psychology, creating a “contract” around problematic behaviors can help hold both partners accountable. Couples agree on specific changes they want and set clear, mutual expectations.
Psychological Tip: For recurring conflicts, create a “couple contract” where both partners agree on specific actions they will take to address the issue. This creates shared responsibility and makes accountability feel more mutual.
10. Gratitude and Strength Spotting
Positive psychology research shows that practicing gratitude can significantly improve relationship satisfaction. Acknowledge your partner’s strengths and what you appreciate about them regularly.
Psychological Tip: Set aside a weekly ritual where you both share one thing you’re grateful for about each other and one strength you admire in the other. This creates positive reinforcement and helps both partners feel valued.
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